i would love to hear some thorts on this topic because i think it is a highly complicated, tricky one and imagine different people will have different responses and i would love to hear a bunch of them in a friendly it’s-okay-that-it-think-differently-than-you-i’ll-try-not-verbally-punch-you-in-the-face kind of way… so please read, consider, discuss and share…
or maybe it is a number of topics but it all was birthed out of a blog post i read today relating to calling someone’s baby “ugly” and how you should never do that and also on the topic of how truthful is too truthful if there is such a thing? and maybe the premise of, ‘if you don’t have anything good to say then point wildly in the opposite direction, shout “LOOK, A DISTRACTION!” and, as the person looks, make a run for it in the other direction.’
this is probably the worst picture i have of myself… it was taken at a missions trip we did to Umtata a whole bunch of years ago when i was still at Claremont Baptist and it is the worst fat face picture i own of myself. to let you in on a little secret, i don’t have any major identity issues, i love myself and at times possibly too much. i have been known [well not ‘known’, cos i do it when it’s just me] to stand in front of a mirror and just appreciate how good i look. i mean, to me, cos i’m not delusional, i know i’m not worldly hot man [GQ are not gonna stick me in their top 100 any time soon, no matter how many emails i send them. i don’t. hardly ever.] but i appreciate the way God made me and how i helped Him with the details as i’ve grown up. i think it’s healthy and good. and i know that when i can look in the mirror and really enjoy what i see that it usually coincides with me being in a really good place in other areas of my life so i definitely think the two are linked.
but this was a time when my face got fat [which means the rest of me was probably in the same region as well] and i keep it to remind me that it is a look i don’t enjoy and that while my body shape may never quite get to where i would like it to be, that i need to be some kind of responsible in what i eat and how i exercise so that i don’t head to that place again any time soon… so it is a motivational picture for me.
and the point? well if i knew that i was looking like ‘fat-face brett’ and you told me i looked good, that would not be a positive thing for me. in fact, it would possibly make me doubt the sincerity of anything else you said after that.
herein lies my dilemma. because i think most babies are ugly. i have never told anyone their baby is ugly to the best of my knowledge, but have been aware of the global pressure of needing to tell each new parent that their baby is the cutest i have ever seen [and it has been of great breathe-in relief that a bunch of my close friends and my sister Dawn and her husband Glen have produced great looking babies so as to buck the general trend and so i have been able to be more openly honest]. i think my general go-to place would be that if i saw a baby that in my opinion was ugly i would say nothing rather than lie to the extreme or damn with the faint praise of “well done, it has all the correct bits.”
but i don’t want you to be distracted by babies, because that it not the point of this – it extends to hair-cuts/styles and other personal preference topics like that… and herein lies my dilemma.
i don’t think i fully understand how me not liking a hairstyle [band, movie, bedroom paint colour etc] you like has to be a bad thing for you. i do get it if i add a personal insult to my comment – “Ew, how can you like Twilight, you must be a moron!” But for me to think/say, “I don’t particularly dig that hairstyle,” should not envoke quite as much rage/sadness/lowering of self image as i think it sometimes does.
i think i would hold to ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all’ in terms of offering comment, but if you ask me for a comment then that should free me up to be honest and hold to a great biblical principle of ‘speaking the truth in love’, surely?
this is probably a lot of non-issue happening right here but i imagine there might be some usual pondering possibilities. 
most ugly babies i know grow up to be really decent or even good-looking people – i don’t think there is the mathematical equation that UGLY BABY = UGLY PERSON – and so why should it matter, right? and why does it matter if you don’t like a hairstyle that i have that i particularly like? i like it, that’s the point – if you liked it then you would probly get yours done this way too and then mine would not be as cool any more.
what do you think? is it a cardinal sin to call someone’s baby ‘ugly’? what should my response be if you ask me about your new hairstyle and it kinda looks to me like a Johnny Depp/Tim Burton collaboration?
and do you keep your own fat faced picture, not to dwell on it, but to remind yourself that with some focus on better eating habits and working some exercise into your regular schedule there can be more days when you look more like your version of this:
Interesting one. Here’s my vague thoughts on it… I think there’s a huge difference between not liking the same films as someone, and saying so, and saying someone’s baby/ haircut/ photo is ugly. Personally, I’d rather find other, more positive things to focus on.
Although no new parent has ever said “Do you think my baby is cute?” to me. They’re so madly, completely and utterly in love with their new little bundle of joy that it probably doesn’t even occur to them that someone else might not think it’s the most beautiful creation to have ever graced the planet.
I don’t think there’s any good to be gained from telling someone their baby is ugly. All it’ll do is cause hurt. For the same reason, I’ll never tell someone I think they look fat in a photo. What good is going to come out of it, for either of us? If it’s a really bad photo, that they don’t like, the chances are they won’t let it out in public anyway. And if someone specifically asks if you think they look fat in a picture, well then they’re obviously coming from a place of insecurity and telling them “actually yes” is not going to help at all. I’d far rather, depending on how close we are, find a more caring way to answer their question. Even if it’s a case of waiting a while and then mentioning I’m looking for someone to come to gym with me, or even go for a walk once a week, or help me come up with some exciting new salad ideas for lunches.
If a friend comes to me with a new haircut that she clearly doesn’t like, I’ll commiserate, we’ll have a glass of wine, complain about the hairdresser and come up with ways to fix it. However if she seems ok with it, but I prefer how it was before, I probably won’t say anything. It’s not my hair. Her lopsided pixie cut is not making my life any better or worse.
As an aside… I’ve never really seen any “ugly” babies. Some of them look a little funny, but if you consider they’ve been squashed up for the past few months, they’re bound to. Babies are babies. They’re delightful no matter how squished, red, wrinkly, chubby or cross they look. And I’m generally just so thrilled for my friends that what the baby looks like really isn’t the issue at all. So long as he or she is healthy and mum and dad are over the moon, then I’m happy and waiting in the wings to ply them with gifts and good wishes.
🙂 Really interested to see what other people think.
wow i think your response proves i’m just a horrible person… ha ha, i like all of what you said… the unnecessaryness of personal truth being shared i think is a key… this may lead into a second blog about some of the things people have said to me and people i know – telling you you have grey hair or have put on weight or look pregnant or whatever – because as you have said, what good does it do? most people are not going to be super amped about having grey hair or gaining weight and so on, so why do people so excitedly offer that information up? whereas at the same time i have one buddy who has made put-on-weight comments to me who i totally appreciate cos i know he tells me it in love and i think knowing that i will want to hear it and be safe hearing it from him…
i think i would love to hear more from people on the haircut issue cos what you say about babies seems right?
altho i would also be interested to know if there are any parents out there who maybe thort they didn’t have a particularly cute/good-looking baby and were okay with that?
just cos it’s interesting, not at all important…
I think everyone is entitled to their opinion, and if you generally find babies ugly, then that’s it – that’s what you think, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I do think that telling the parents of a baby you don’t find nice-looking is a bad idea. Parents can be very insecure, especially new parents, and their baby is the most beautiful, wonderful, precious person in the world for them. Hearing others say that their baby is ugly can only be hurtful. I don’t think you have to lie, but you also don’t have to say everything that’s on your mind – you are not the world’s critic, and, as you implied in your post, what one person finds ugly, another can find charming and gorgeous.
Engaging question!
You got me at hello.
It’s an exercise I enjoy to look deeper, and find the beauty. I’m also pretty good at it.
I work it out to not let it get fat faced.
Any way my opinion is that anything you connect with, and give a little of your heart to somehow becomes beautiful.
Experiencing beauty is one of the sweetest feelings, think being in love with a ravishing woman, or man whatever way you go, then imagine, feeling that intensity, minus the eroticism, over a an old person, or over a baby, a friend, an object, anything. Some feel this toward God. That is an easy one.
Obviously babies are a challenge for you, so if you were to even think of seeking to see beauty and feel great joy in random people and things, you might not want to start there. I started with things, I already liked and just felt all my feelings of it, with gratitude for those nice feelings. That mix of drugs really worked for me.
Once, I got onto a bus, in mind of being of service, because it’s free joy, no need to smoke to feel that good, very selfish of me, and looking for a mother with a bored kid to entertain, or someone to smile to.
Boom! A shock wave of wtf. The most ugly person I have ever ever, I mean ever seen was looking up toward the bus driver three rows down. The ugliness would take a page to describe so I’m skipping it.
I was so shocked that anyone could be that ugly. Every feature was off, like out of Hollywood makeup. I wanted to avert my eyes like I bet everyone did. The horror in my own face embarrassed me. Awkward moment!
I was young and dumb, but I’d just read in one of my college books about people sometimes just need to be noticed. Also, I’d started taking the bus, and being noticed allot, and like “likes”, and comments, it felt really good!
The bus was not that full.
When the guy looked up, I held his gaze. begging myself to see something that could reflect on my face that wasn’t fake because I could not fake this one. reaching for something to hold onto that wouldn’t be more awkward my mind raced. What expression goes on my face. How do I get it there? How can i be of service to this guy who obviously could use a stright look and not be hypocrite. this is no cute baby bored baby intervention.
The question popped in my mind? He has a mother. She has looked at him his whole life. What does his mother see?
Not even a mother, seriously, could like to look at this guy, was my answer.
That didn’t work in the moment of truth, the guy looked back at me.
Emergency!
What does his mother feel?
Oh, and that was it. Right there. His mother. Wow!
I don’t know why, but I knew what his mother felt, and she felt terrific! Her heart felt warmer than any heart I’d ever felt. That’s just what if felt like in my sudden experience.
I’d been debating about where to sit, didn’t want sit as far away from him as possible, yep that was the seating pattern. A bus full of people looking fidgety straight ahead. To sit close to him might seem calculated. to avoid him. Much less next to him for charity. Charity sucks.
There are other empty seats, every one in his vicinity was empty. The back of the bus was packed.
I found myself eagerly sidelining up to the empty isle seat right next to him to swing into the seat to turn and smile an in love mother’s radiance, shy and polite. Looking him in the eye, I’m seeing, feeling this unique and comfortable company, the real engaging person. I lost track of time.
We talked. He told me some things i felt but didn’t understand, till much, much later. Some of what he said made me uncomfortable, some made me mad, when I thought of it later. It was all cool stuff. I was so spellbound that I didn’t see my stop.
This is your stop.
What? Oh, yeah.
It was nice! Bye.
Then his words unraveled into long golden strings in my life way way later.
From this, I realized I wanted to exercise my seeing the truth in people muscle. Back then, I didn’t have words for it.
Well, all this was unexpected….
Guess, I’ll post this on my blog today. Its so long….
Wow, you really have a gift.
Also, your rambling stream of consciousness reminds me of me. It’s like home, in feeling. Of course I like mine better.