continuing with a look at the whole dating thing and how JESUS-FOLLOWERS NEED TO BE UPPING THEIR GAME, transforming their lives thru A RENEWING OF THEIR MINDS and being part of creating a BETTER, HEALTHIER SYSTEM OF DATING…

this one is closely linked to the previous one which was about dating someone who has JESUS AS THEIR NUMBER ONE, which is ESSENTIAL, and it deals with a sense of compatability looking specifically at VISION AND PASSION

let me start by saying that i don’t think there is any kind of set pattern of needing to date either someone exactly like you or someone who is completely opposite to you – i don’t think there is a rule – in fact, BECAUSE RELATIONSHIPS INVOLVE PEOPLE they will DIFFER SO HUGELY FROM PERSON TO PERSON that there will probably be MORE GUIDING PRINCIPLES THAN RULES with most aspects of relationships.

but i do think that HAVING A SENSE OF EACH OTHERS VISION will be a huge factor in determining whether you are LIKELY TO BE A GOOD MATCH OR NOT.

but let’s start with PASSIONS/INTERESTS – things that DON’T COUNT AS MUCH – for example, val really enjoys watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ whereas i can’t stand it – does that mean we shouldn’t be together? not at all. what it generally means is that val hires ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ episodes when i am out playing TheatreSports so she can enjoy them by herself… but it also means that a few weeks ago i hired the last disc of the series she was watching and watched it with her (as a sign of my love for her) and tried to not be too disparaging about the stuff i don’t enjoy in it. But we both enjoy ‘Scrubs’ and ‘Chuck’ and ‘Top Gear’ and so we watch those together all the time which is great.

the point is that OUR PASSIONS – the things we enjoy (hobbies, pastimes, sport, entertainment, music) – CAN BE DIFFERENT, even largely so, and it doesn’t really matter – altho it is REALLY GREAT WHEN OUR PASSIONS ARE THE SAME because it means we can SHARE THOSE THINGS – so for me and tbV it’s things like Coldplay/Snow Patrol/Mumford & Sons [music] and Carcossane/Settlers/Rage [games] and cooking/reading/starcrafting(recently for her, yay!)/soduko [pasttimes] and much more… but we also have things that ONLY ONE OF US ENJOY DOING and it’s important that we MAKE SPACE FOR EACH OTHER to do that.

when it comes to VISION AND VALUES, the things that define WHO WE ARE and the DIRECTION WE’RE GOING IN, i think it is more IMPORTANT THAT THEY OVERLAP a lot more. the number 1 factor here which we’ve looked at is having Jesus as your number 1. another example of this is children – if you have spent your life wanting three kids and your wife has spent her life not wanting any children, then that is a value that will more than likely prove you are not a good match. if one of the parties places huge value on career and the other one places huge value on family, then those values could clash strongly and also point towards this not necessarily being the best match.

i don’t have a comprehensive list of vision and values because there are so many things it could be but the key is being able to FIGURE OUT AND COMMUNICATE WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU AND YOUR PARTNER and see IF A LIFE TOGETHER WOULD BE POSSIBLE with those things in mind. Are the vision and values going to BRING YOU CLOSER TOGETHER or are they likely to become OBSTACLES TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.

basically we are saying, ARE WE WALKING IN THE SAME OR SIMILIAR DIRECTION (so that if we both keep walking the way we do we will end up in the same place together) and do we place emphasis and importance on the same things when it comes to THINGS THAT COUNT?

it is possible to have SOME AREAS THAT DIFFER and by talking to each other and working out SOME COMPROMISES (meeting each other halfway as opposed to one person simply giving up all their stuff) you can still see good relationship happen, but if the majority of the vision/values differ it is GOING TO BE VERY TRICKY and possibly MORE TROUBLE THAN IT IS WORTH to make it happen.

none of this means the other person is a bad person. it is NOT A CHARACTER JUDGEMENT. it is merely a case of seeing how you both function and operate and which direction you are both going in and REALISING THAT YOU ARE NOT A GREAT MATCH in terms of dating and ultimately marriage.

but this can also ACT AS A GUIDE to help you FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL BE A GOOD MATCH FOR YOU. if you both have similiar vision and values then it will be a lot easier and more fun to be HEADING IN THE SAME DIRECTION and the LIKELIHOOD OF A STRONG RELATIONSHIP is increased.

maybe a good thing for you to do is SIT DOWN SOMETIME and try and IDENTIFY your values and vision and passions so that you are aware of what you are bringing to the party… happy dating!

[click here for the next one looking marriagewards]