one of the aims of the ‘Taboo Topics’ series was to have real people sharing real stories about topics that people don’t speak a lot about – up til now i have had people share as themselves but i fully understand with a topic like this, that my friend did not feel comfortable sharing her name and i totally get that… so to those reading this, it is an anonymous story of someone who had an abortion, but i know who the person is and so it is once again a shared story or a real person and i trust it will help others out there who have been struggling with having gone through a similar experience:
It is now three years and 5 months after the day I decided to have an abortion.
And at times I feel fine…and then out of the blue it hit me…I will see a baby or here a song or just a smell or a normal doctors appointment and it feels like a ton of bricks come smashing down on me.
Everything happened so fast and I felt so overwhelmed and confused at that time. I had a very abusive relationship with my mother, and even though I loved her I was so scared of what she would do if she found out I was pregnant. I can remember the one thing my mother always told me was that if I ever get pregnant before I was married I will have an abortion. I can remember how over the December holidays I was soooooo sick and alone. I felt crammed into making a decision…I worked at a school at that time and getting pregnant without being married would get me fired because of the nature of the school added to that neither I nor the dad could afford to raise the child…all these issues threw me into a desperate frenzy.
I felt so alone.
I ended up making the biggest mistake of my life and had the abortion. I can remember each small detail from leaving for the clinic to the doctor’s face …everything of that day. That same day my parents wanted me to come and visit so even though I felt horrible physically and was a mess emotionally I had to pull myself together and make like nothing happened. A week later work started. It was so difficult! Seeing the little children running around and knowing that my boy/girl would never be able to do the same! I blocked everything out for about two years and then my life started falling to pieces. I felt so guilty and the “what ifs” drove me insane.
At the beginning of the year I decided enough was enough. I went for counseling and decided to accept God’s forgiveness on what I did. I made a journal of a letter I wrote to my child, what I missed of him/her (for example I would never she him/her smile, or their first step…or first day at school…I would never be able to tell them how much I loved him/her) I wrote in verses and poems and then Bible verses reminding me that God has forgiven me. The one is: Isaiah 1:18 Come now and let us reason together, says the Lord, though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow. On paper it sounds so easy but talking to someone about what happened (since I have so far only shared this with three people in my life) and giving it up to God and making the choice to not let my baby’s death be an end of my own life but a mistake I made which will bring me closer to God, was such a hugely difficult process.
To those who have been in this position. I know how isolating it can be. And how little help there really is for mothers who have chosen to go this route and realized afterwards just how much they really lost. But I can assure you that in Abba Father there is healing. You never forget your child. But God can change even your worst mistake into something that will make you grow closer to Him.
And to those who are faced with having an abortion or not. Please please please don’t rush it! Think carefully about what all you will be losing really. And talk to Godly people. Listen to advice. Don’t shut yourself off and make that decision on your own.