So i got this comment at the bottom of the recent ‘Singleness’ Taboo Topic posted and approved it and started replying, but then thought that responding to ‘How much sex in marriage?’ on a Singleness post might be stretching the boundaries of love and sensitivity and so i decided to deal with is directly as a separate post… [singles are welcome to read, because maybe this will help]. So the comment i received is below, as it came through:
Can you do an article on “how much sex” in marriage? Say you are married, then hopefully it comes naturally and everything is great. BUT what if it does not. You are both Christian, and it says in the Bible that the woman must give herself to the husband. What if your wife is not being reasonable and you are not having sex too often. Say months go by, what is a man to do? If the wife is not willing to work at things from her side, then what should he do? Should he just wait, one, two years if need be or longer? Try to get professional help – but only if she is willing which may be difficult in some cases. It is not the all that ends all, and the love should carry the relationship. But a man has needs.
So if one partner is not up to meeting the needs of the other then what can you suggest from a Christian standpoint?
And let’s be honest, just doing this because I knew how many people would come and read this post due to the title alone [you guys!]
But ja, a very interesting question and ‘Sex in Marriage’ is definitely a Taboo Topic that could do with being handled as that is certainly something you don’t get told much about in church.
[The ‘No sex til marriage’ mantra seems to be it as far as sex and the church is concerned]
This is not the kind of topic that is brought up a lot at the dinner tables i hang out with, but i do imagine i would find it a particularly difficult one to invite my friends to share my stories on as well for this blog.
so let me try and deal with this by speaking a little more generally, by specifically looking at some of the key issues which i think underlie the question. and hope that some of my cool friends will add their thoughts in the comments section afterwards.
i think i would put the ‘how much sex in marriage?’ question alongside the ‘how far is too far before marriage?’ question in suggesting that both of those might be the wrong questions to be asking.
and it might help to more properly frame the question i am hearing you ask in this example, which is ‘how much sex can i get in marriage?’ because it doesn’t sound like your concern here is for your wife. this is a very me-focused question, which is fine to ask [we all have me questions] but i think it is more important to be asking a ‘her’ question first. i don’t think the me question is a good place to begin, otherwise that shows a misunderstanding of marriage.
this passage from Ephesians sums a lot of it up for me powerfully:
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church — 30 for we are members of His body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery — but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
# it speaks of a mutual submission and so that is an important thing to notice – this passage has been used by many to somehow try to show the woman as being under, or less than the man, but it starts off with verse 21 which boldly states this is a two way thing [and it’s done out of reverence for Christ!]
# then, what is interesting, after you get past all the woman submission stuff, which a lot of women have found difficult to take or understand or hold on to [again because of a lot of damage that has been done when this has been misused causing understandable hesitance to embrace this piece] is the description of the man’s responsibility. the woman is meant to submit, yes, but the man is meant to love ‘just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.’
how did Jesus show His Love for the church? By dying for her.
um. wo. now wait a minute there. i don’t remember that being in my vows. [well it was there, if you took the time to read the finer print]
so if we go back to your question in the context of this statement, does that change how it looks at all? if we make her the subject of the question, then it looks a little more like, ‘what are her needs? and how are you meeting them?’ ‘are there some needs she has outside of sex that you are maybe not meeting, which may possibly be having an affect on how much sex she is being open to? [this is really difficult to say in terms of your situation, because i don’t know you and so i just have to ask questions – you will be able to ask them more specifically and on target] ‘have you tried discussing this area of your marriage from a her point of view or only from a ‘this is what i need/want’ point of view?
i just think there might be some different questions to ask. what is the end point you are looking for? you being sexually fulfilled or the two of you having a real, authentic, honest relationship? and is it possible to have both [hopefully]. but i would suggest the latter is more important? have you listened to her at all on the topic or have you simply presented your side and your needs?
so those are my thoughts which feel very scattered as to some extent it feels like i am addressing a hypothetical question as i don’t really know any of the people involved, but there are some key questions and principles here which all of us can grab hold of strongly for marriage. and so hopefully there was something helpful and if anyone else has some helpful thoughts, as always please chime in…
is it worth getting help for your marriage? absolutely. and that can come in various shapes or forms. is there a married couple that you both respect that you could ask to sit down with both of you and give you space to talk out some of this stuff with them? is there a pastor or leader you both trust enough to be able to meet with you both individually to hear both sides and then together to give you a chance to share your feelings with each other? or maybe even a professional counsellor who may be able to help.
i say this cautiously, but my thinking is that if in some way you have made sex and being sexually fulfilled the centre of your marriage or the focus of it, then you are likely to be in some trouble and this will not be easily resolved… if, however, you have made your wife the centre of your marriage [with God the foundation, of course], then it will be a lot easier to figure this one out, and every other one that comes along.
Love her well, look after her needs, go out of your way to spoil her and treat her well just for the sake of her feeling good [not for what you might get] and who knows what might happen as a result…
I like the way you tackle these difficult questions, thanks Brett. As a newly married guy I can stand behind your sentiments about having the right focus in terms of getting away from ‘me-centered’ attitudes towards sex or anything else. When I think of petty arguments my wife and I have had they are usually because one of us is being very selfish, and lets be honest selfishness is not attractive and is not going to get you anywhere sex-wise. 🙂
This is in no way about my marriage, (disclaimer hehehehe) BUT I have heard of the other way round…the wife is keen but the husband is not. He is not interested in seeing professional help either as he says there is nothing wrong. What do you do?
I enjoyed this response. I think I might have something to add. When one partner feels they are not getting enough sex, let’s say its the man as that is more common, he tends to see himself as sexually unfulfilled, a victim, and his wife as the problem. Perhaps he even sees her as selfish or manipulative. What I think is important to remember is that both partners in a marriage should ideally be sexually fulfilled . This means the wife too. Is she not losing out just as much as her husband even if she has no interest in sex? Should her husband not have compassion on her and be aware that she too is suffering and missing out on the joy of sexual fulfilment? In this kind of situation it is important that the husband realise that he is not the only one short changed and that his wife is not the problem, at least not of her own volition and certainly not in isolation. Sensitivity is needed to understand the problem, be it biological (lack of libido, depression, discomfort etc), psychological (poor self image, upbringing etc) or relational (resentment, not feeling safe or loved etc).
I think very few women with a healthy libido in a loving marriage would withhold sex. And by that I dont mean to say that there is no place for sex when you’re not in the mood sometimes. Thats for another conversation. I’m not saying that a woman can’t be sitting with a strong libido and deliberately withholding sex from a loving, sensitive husband, just that it’s far from the default explanation.
The problem needs to be addressed with sensitivity by both partners, seeking to understand more than to be understood, with the humility to expect that there may be another perspective to one’s own. And that the problem is likely to be far deeper and broader than it first appears. Having a fulfilling sex life, even if it’s not what you thought it would be, is something worth fighting for but do fight for your partner on this issue, not against them and be prepared to adjust your expectations and to be very patient… these things absolutely cannot be rushed and the longterm goal is key.
what an incredible addition Leanne, thank you so much – said it so much better than i could! “Seeking to understand rather than be understood” – powerful!
I think the most important thing here is not to focus on the sex.. Someone once said to me that sex is a good indicator of whether or not there is a problem in the relationship. I think that if a relationship is done properly, and both people are happy, comfortable and secure in the relationship, sex will follow, however if there are issues elsewhere in the relationship, sex will illustrate that.
The question to ask yourself is, what is wrong (other than the sex) and what can I (yes you, not the other person) do better in order to meet the other person’s needs, because if they are happier in the relationship, sex will usually follow. Unless you have maried someone who has never been attracted to you, at one stage you were attracted to each other, so what has changed? Find out what the real issue is, fix that, and the sex will fix itself.
Unfortunately, we are all taught from an early age to look after ourselves first. that does not work in a marriage. If you look after your spouse first, they will in turn find it easier to look after you first, and then you will truely know what it is to love someone.. Then there will be no sex-issues.. I know it is hard work, and not as simple as it comes accross, but the idea is a simple one, the practise is very hard.. But well worth it!
great words bro, i knew the community would make this blog post a lot better than it is so thank you and right on!
Hi. Thanks Brett for your thoughts, I agree with you wholeheartedly. I have been married for 17 years, separated for 3, not willingly, my husband says God gives him free will and he is exercising that. But that’s a whole different topic. With regards sex in marriage, I always felt that it was not the be all and end all of a marriage and that marriage was made up of so many more facets than just sex, but what I can say, in my humble opinion based on walking the journey of discovery of a broken marriage, and that is that sex life in marriage is an indicator of how healthy the marriage is, if I had known that, we could have sought counselling long before the marriage broke, instead I was accepting of my circumstances and the husband God had given me in sickness and health, for richer and poorer, etc….and therefore I did not use this as an indicator that there were serious problems. Many counsellors and leaders in churches that I know, when helping couples will ask what the sexual relationship is like to get an indication of the health of the marriage. So although it is not the be all and end all and both parties should be happy with the amount of sex that happens in the marriage, we have to make sure our marriages are healthy, that our relationship with God is healthy so that we lack nothing, that He fulfills our needs and makes us happy, so that we don’t expect our spouses to make us happy. We should have a firm and solid relaationship with God and from there the fruits of the spirit will flow not only to the world out there, but definitely to our spouses. We are to communicate as soon as possible to the problems we feel exist and not ignore them for years on end. A happy and healthy person, makes a happy and healthy spouse and with God as the centre, a happy and healthy marriage with the right amount of sex for both.
brilliant Karen, thank you so much for sharing as i know there is a lot of pain in your story. Really appreciate your vulnerability and know that the feedback to this post has contained so much more depth than the post itself which is what i was hoping for. May this encourage and help many people. Thankx so much!
Brett, being married for almost ten years now has been a roller coaster….its never a plain sail experience. The minute a man sits down with himself the better. He needs to admit that sex get less. Yes man, that’s the truth! Men don’t talk about it. They want to either let their buddies know that its cooking in the bedroom. Maturity in a marriage relationship is noticing the how, when and where especially when children are around. Also many couples have stressful jobs and sometimes just a cuddle, a long hug or a massage witj no benefit to you is the best sensual experience your wife needs. It is frustrating for us, cause we want that physical thing. So sit down with yourself ‘young man’ study your wife and her moods and study the things she love: I know my Hazy loves Hazel nut choclates, monday messages on her deadline day (she is a journalist) and me just being there and saying nothing on those off days. Like that song : More than words, you don’t have to say you love me cause I would already know….
beautiful, thankx Sedrico. appreciate you sharing, love b
Very true what you wrote.
If a man provides the wife with everything emotionally, does everything he can do for her and she still does not wish to be more intimate, then what can be done? Does he resign himself to a marriage without sex?
How do we know if it is a PHYSICAL or EMOTIONAL cause?
I disagree with some of the posts here. I think that it is possible to have a good marriage without too much sex if the love is there. If a marriage is based purely on sex, it will only last as long as the sex is there. Once that ends, the marriage will probably end if there is no love. However; a marriage based on love and respect will last no matter if sex is there or not. Ideally there is both.
They say that for all newlyweds, you can mark on your bedpost the number of times you have sex in the first 2 years of marriage and in the years after that, you will probably never reach that amount in the next 50 years of marriage. This is not to say that the marriage is breaking down. It is only natural that it would drop off.
In the natural and Biblical sense, people would marry, and then soon after kids would follow. The roles would change from a courtship type of phase to a more adult and parenting phase where sex is secondary and raising and supporting a family are of primary importance. In today’s environment, we see many young couples on contraception and this interferes with the natural order of things. We are of course living in modern times and people prefer to plan nowadays. The libido is not meant to be at an all time high continually. It is cyclic.
The question we should ask is whether sex in marriage is always an indicator of a bad marriage? I do not agree that it is. Libido is primarily physical for men and more emotional for women. If it is purely emotional then the marriage probably does have a problem. If sex is based on say 50% physical then it is not necessarily a marriage problem. It may be a health problem. It may be hormonal (men and women) and a lot of other purely physical factors.
I believe that when there is not enough sex in a marriage according to one partner, then they should both seek to 1. Improve their diet (zinc, avocado, vitamins) 2. Take up physical activity 3. Actively try to work on it. If that fails then there is probably a deeper emotional problem which would be more complicated to fix. For men, there is also Viagra which could be used if there is a physical problem.
It is important to communicate and try to find the source of the problem as a couple. Both are in it together and should find a solution together.
But how much? How many times per week,month,year or decade( lets hope its not that bad)? That is what most of the guys are thinking and wondering about.
Once the couple is doing what they can to sort themselves out physically, the rest usually follows. It is rarely emotional. If it were emotional, the marriage would have ended long time before that.
I man physically to improve health and hence libido…
Hi Brett
Thanks once again for your faithfulness.
This is definitely a topic that needs to be addressed. My life before I got saved was when I am going to pic up a guy and get some, and all my single life and dating life was almost focused on Sex, and then I got saved and all every pastor, elder and christian friend and all of that was how not to have sex, please don’t do it, sex is a sin, and for the 4 years of being saved and unmarried was all about not doing it and changing my mind off sex, sexual feelings, lust and to a point where you finally got the battle won, and then I met my husband to be, and before getting married, did all I can to not do it, stay away, fight about it, this constant battle to not. And then I got married and now I may have sex, and it is nothing like it was when I wasn’t saved.
And this became an issue and a fight for me with God. Why wasn’t it as much fun to have sex as when I was younger and single and stuffing around. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed sex, but it wasn’t fantastic. But all I had was this desire for great sex, that I am not going to get into trouble for or reprimanded. And so began 3 and half years of battling with God and husband about sex, and not wanting it, and wanting it and not being satisfied and trying to put God first in all aspects. My first child was born, 6 weeks after I made sure I did my duty and before any way I could, because I didn’t want to be one of those married woman that after children you don’t have time for your man.
Feeling fat and disgusting about myself and hubby and I still fighting, I on accident found Porn on hubby computer. God has forgiven me so much in my life, so I go to hubby and sort out in love, and discuss it and I become his accountability. And he gets to a point where he tells me how my lack of excitement basically opened up the door for him again, which he struggled with for a long time. So we talking about sex and how we can try and get it right. But I am not feeling it.
I listened to a teaching from Joyce Meyer where she talks about sex in marriage and he not wanting it, but explaining to hubby that he can still hope on and enjoy, I tried that in my marriage and it backfired horribly in the past. Because, every time I say to hubby I am not in the mood, but you can get it on with me, made him so angry that he would go to sleep mad at me. Like why doesn’t he do it for me. She also said sex was spiritual warfare in marriage and it helps protect your marriage as you become one every time.
So the 3 and half years on, I am really getting peeved with God about sex, because if this is the way it was supposed to be in marriage, well then why bother. And then we got a new pastor and he preached an anointed message, and I got butterflies in my stomach from the pastor, I tell hubby, the pastor is very sexy when he preaches. But that is the feeling I want to get about my husband. Still not happening. So I ask my friend if she will go with me to a woman’s camp, but I am going to go to sort out my sex life. At the camp, after every speaker we get broken up into groups, and the small group I bring up my issue. Not enjoying sex in marriage. And they bring up all the crap from the past, need counselling, soul ties, extra. I did all that before I got married, hectic sorting out that I was forgiven for all my sins, broke all soul ties, repented of. they keep just going on about this, 101 Christianity for newly saved. I had bigger issues than that.
So after being really disappointing that nobody could help my issues, I went to bed and then God spoke, you see when you really seek with all your heart, God will answer your prayers. And he told me the most profound breakthough I have ever had in my marriage.
YOU ARE NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO YOUR HUSBAND BECAUSE HE ISN’T WHERE HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE IN CHRIST. He was so right. The things that turned me on in the past was things of the devil. And I am so inlove with Christ. Jesus is the Lover of my soul. And the reason the butterflies in stomach with the pastor, was the anointing of God.
Few, how my husband turns me on, when he speaks about God with authority. I had my breakthrough. I went home that weekend, broke the news to hubby very lightly, not explaining the total depth of my breakthrough. But I had my PEACE. I WAS IN LOVE WITH JESUS.
After coming to that point, I explained to hubby, I might not feel like it, and when I say to him, just get onto and start, I am not rejecting him, I want to serve him and please him, and protect him from being attacked by the devil with porn. I will get in the mood after he starts and I will enjoy it. And then we could discuss I like this, don’t like that and be accountable with each other. And so changed our attitude towards sex, we have 3 children now, almost married for 7 years, and my husband isn’t where I would like him to be with God, but having peace with where my issue lay with sex, I am enjoying my marriage knowing that God is making my husband more like him every day, and he is totally on a different level from when we met, and so I have the beauty of falling more and more inlove with my sexy man every day as I keep falling inlove with Jesus in him, and that making me want my man even more. And through all of the having the best Sex I have every had before. Thank you Jesus…
Really hope that this will help any of you, as it was a major breakthrough in my life.
Be blessed
(brett, you know who I am, but changed my name) tnx
I understand the first part of your story as I’ve been there before. I completely feel what you wrote there.
With all due respect (and please forgive me for asking), but how do you know it was not lust for the pastor? I’ve seen this many times at Church. Women lusting after Church-band members. Women lusting after the pastor. Is it really because of the pastor preaching Jesus or is it because women are inherently attracted to men in positions of power? If you mentioned that the pastor is ‘very sexy’ when he preaches then surely you were in lust with him. If this pastor is 80 and overweight and you still found him sexy because of as you claim; he is with Christ then I may find it easier to believe. However I am skeptical as this pastor was probably reasonably attractive to begin with. In hindsight; this was probably not the ideal thing to say to your husband at the time. He would have been angry and felt complete annoyance with the Church for putting a rival for your affection in a position of power and most likely felt that you had the eye for another man. I mention this because I’ve experienced similar things at the Church where men in power (leaders, ministers, band-members) have knowingly or unknowingly used the Church platform to further their own aims with members of the opposite sex. To this day, it’s the reason I refuse to attend Church. Why put myself into a subordinate position to other men when pretty women are around?
If Jesus were a woman called Jenna, what would you do if your husband told you that he found the ministeress (woman) sexy because she spoke about “Jenna” with authority? It sounds like a silly question but have you put yourself in the man’s position? When a woman mentions Jesus as being her “lover”? Could a man ever say that Jesus his his ‘the lover of his soul’? I am not sure if your are misusing words, but surely God or Lord or Savior is a better word to use. ‘lover’, especially in the context of your writing is in a sexual context.
I mean…. can’t find the edit on your blog. Apologies.
Problems with sex in marriage (and this take a number of forms, eg wanting too much, only enjoying kinky sex, having sex but not ‘being there’, or no sex at all) can sometimes be connected with abuse earlier in life, in this case it is likely that help from professionals trained in sexual conuselling (such as Relate in the UK) can help and patience will be required to pull through.
Okay assuming all is okay in that department, now what if one of the partners is more adventurous in wanting different positions (won’t elaborate here) and so on…? Does one go crazy and try everything in the Kama Sutra? Or stick to doing it Amish style with a sheet in-between and only for procreation? What are the limits for Christians?
i would say the same principle of submitting to each other applies – if you are ever doing something that is making your spouse uncomfortable or hurting them then i think you’re missing the point… so within the confines of loving each other well you can come up with whatever creativity you [or your book] can come up with i imagine…
the Amish use sheets in between?
Well I guess it should be within the Bible. So any position should be okay and probably encouraged. But no things such as sodomy or other perverted acts.
Not sure about the Amish, but I hear its only for procreation. They also have more than one wife? Or is that the Mormons? I suppose the man doesn’t have to worry in that case as there are so many wives, one of them must be in the mood.
Now the question to whomever is listening: Can sex in marraige just be physical fun? Or must it always be a full on epic spiritual thing? Aren’t people taking it too seriously?
hey Barry, thankx for commenting – i think you’re thinking of the Mormons there… and yes for sure sex in marriage can just be for physical fun but the point we are all trying to make here is that it must be fun for both people…
Julie, one could go by feeling, or by receiving messages on what to do, but is there not something in scripture to help clear this up?
I was also under the impression that sodomy included anal or oral sex, and that was strictly forbidden in scripture? Not sure if I have read the Bible correctly or misunderstood it. Is there anyone who knows exactly from a proper Biblical standpoint?
i don’t think you will find direct references in the Bible relating to how a man and a woman should engage in sex beyond the principles that have already been discussed here – i do imagine that people have preached from the pulpit that various types/positions/styles of sex [eg. oral] are wrong or that sex is only for procreation and a variety of other skewed theologies that they might have even found a verse to back up [although i don’t imagine that might be what the verse intended in its original context] but it really is more clear on how we should Love each other unselfishly and putting our partner’s needs before our own [the hope is that both partner’s do this, creating a beautiful union] and then we have the Holy Spirit of God living in us which if we are asking genuinely out of a desire to know what is right or not, should be more than enough to let us proceed with confidence.
[…] I think i must add a link to my Irresistibly Fish blog where yesterday I posted something called ‘How much sex in marriage?’ in response to a question i received in the comments of a different post. I was blown away by how […]
But what are the boundaries. Assuming it is fun and nobody is harmed. Are various positions permitted? Some people may frown upon certain positions as a Christian. Is sodomy permitted? So according to Christianity, should there be limits?
i did a quick google search on sodomy definitions just to clarify what is meant by that and the definitions online are quite broad including such things as bestiality [which i would say it’s safe to assume is way beyond the line] but when i think of the word the first thing that comes to mind is coersion or being forced and that is what is counter to the argument or proposal we have been putting forth here which is honouring, respecting and lifting up the other person. i imagine that there might be different lines for different couples [and just because you are okay with it as a couple doesn’t mean it’s right – something like swinging, having sex with another man’s wife with his consent etc, i would also say is an easy one to figure out the wrongness of] but that a strong key would be your spouse being comfortable with it and then if there is any doubt inviting the Holy Spirit to give guidance.
BSM/Domination is wrong. Swinging is definitely wrong as that is adultery. So anal sex is wrong then obviously? What if the husband wants this and you are okay with it?
Julie, i am uncomfortable with reducing this topic and the beauty that sex in the right context [marriage] with the right person [your husband/wife] can be – i think we have given some really great guidelines here and that if your question is a genuine one, first discuss it with your husband and try and come up with a conclusion that you are both happy with and think is right, and if you cannot or are unsure then that possibly is a sign already or else try and find a Christian leader or counsellor who you both would be happy to share your unsureness with and get their advice on the matter.
Sodomy usually refers to anal or oral sex. Usually in a homosexual context though. But I assume it may pertain to heterosexual relationships also? That is what I was taught when I was younger anyway.
It is a serious question. Not really comfortable going to a person at Church for advice of this nature. lol.
Anyone else care to comment? I was always brought up to believe it is wrong, but now it may be okay? Anything in scripture to advise then?
Dear Julie,
I understand your frustration. Sometimes, you just want somebody to give you a yes or no answer to matters that aren’t specifically laid out in scripture. I think you’ll find, though, that God is pretty clear about several things: that marriage (and sex) is meant for His glory, and that He cares deeply about you and fulfilling your life purpose (living an abundant life in Him). He also gives us the Holy Spirit to guide these questions. So, I really encourage you to seek God’s will in this area, to find out if certain aspects of sex are sinful and self-serving, or if they are pleasures for us to enjoy with our spouses. You might find that you feel distant or close to God in these areas of life- and that might be an indication of the Holy Spirit’s leading.
My husband and I are newlyweds (5 years now), so I can’t claim a lot of wisdom on this. But, I have found that the more honest we are with each other, and the more we aim for each other’s pleasure and not our own, the better. I was assaulted many years ago, before I was married, and we have learned (through trial and error and many conversations) that it helps if my husband asks before even touching me. If I dream about my attacker, he wakes me up to hold me and to tell me that it is him, my husband, and that I am safe. We also learned that sex is better in the morning, during broad daylight. We learned that for me, a couple of times a week seems like a lot, and for him, a whole week between sex seems like a long time. It also helps him to know that when I don’t feel like sex, its often because I feel unloveable, not because I am not aroused by him. I had to tell him that (he doesn’t read minds- weird huh?). Because he is privy to this information about me, he validates me without expecting sex in return, which makes me love him more. He now feels very loved and appreciated when sex happens more often than i have expressed an expectation for. These observations are unique to us. Other couples have different strategies. But, we would not know these things if we had not explicitly talked about them.
It might seem unsexy, awkward, or an extreme mood killer, but talking about your expectations for sex (preferably when you’re clothed and not in the moment) has been really helpful to us. We have both been surprised at how deeply and overwhelmingly we have felt loved by the other because of this honesty.
wow, thank you for sharing, that is incredible stuff. really appreciate the vulnerability and posting it here and you have made some incredible points.
[…] did i know when i responded to someone’s comment about how much sex should take place in marriage [ironically in the comments section on a blog i posted on 'Singleness'] that this would get as much […]
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I am a single but would like to know if married couples ever think about taking risks in sex – like wanting to do it on the beach and in different places outside while still been safe with the person? I was emotionally abused and this also takes a toll on my identity and how I feel about myself and therefore I am very afraid that my husband would not like to accept and even attempt a “fantasy” of mine which could be doable in some settings.
I am also afraid of flashbacks from my sexual past happening in the marriage and may be physically distant and yet I have this hating of sex (because I separated myself and I associate being used with sex) (now I am celibate again) and also trying to figure out what is beautiful about it when it feels harmful to me.
This is a bit all mixed up but not sure how to express the question and the hurt at the same time.
That is a really tough question, Butterfly, thank you for stopping by. What i have come to learn from marriage and relationships in general is that each one is different – i think it has more to do with the personality of the people involved than something brought about by their marital status as to whether they would attempt or even simply fantasize about those things.
Hopefully if you found the right person as your husband then they would love you enough to give you time to emotionally heal and be a huge part of that process. It might be that you need outside help and hopefully he would be big enough to see that and strong enough to walk through that hard journey with you. As a Christ follower i totally believe there is healing and restoration available in Him and that those things which are holding you back now are not too big for God to fix and bring new life to whether inside or outside of a relationship. When your mind has been given a negative perception of sex then there definitely needs to be some work and healing in terms of helping restore the innocence and trust needed to engage with someone sexually.
i would not wait til you find that person to start walking through that healing by finding help from people you trust. Or professionals who understand more about the journey.
All the best
love brett fish