i really believe this is ONE OF THE FUNDAMENTAL KEYS to a REVOLUTIONISED SYSTEM OF DATING…
there is a trend that happens specifically in christian contexts (altho i am sure there are equivalent secular contexts that promote the same thing – like actors making a movie together for example) which contributes to a lot of debris in relationships WHICH COULD EASILY BE AVOIDED…
the mathematical equation reads something like ‘bunch of christian guys’ + ‘bunch of christian girls’ added to short-term intense spiritual space [holiday club, weekend camp, mission trip] = ‘he/she is the one’alism’ = ‘relationship’
i’ve been there. it happens. because you are ‘forced together’ with a bunch of people in a situation which highlights their positive side [playing with kids, leading a small group, reaching out to the poor] it is VERY EASY TO BE ATTRACTED to someone in the group, altho in a lot of case the attraction is purely context-related and not person-related
and so you see an attractive girl and spend as much of the mission trip trying to spend time alongside her and you feel like you’ve found ‘the one’ and you have to be with her and so at the end of the weekend or week you ask her out and SUDDENLY YOU’RE DATING… and a few weeks goes by and the butterflies head north for the summer and suddenly you realise actually you don’t know this person…
[a spanner is thrown into the works if you have rushed into PHYSICAL STUFF (whatever level – holding hands, kissing, more) because then you might decide actually this person is not the one for you, but you have already entered A LEVEL OF INTIMACY on some level (physically, emotionally, spiritually) and it becomes much harder to break up with them]
now this doesn’t only occur on the weekend or week trips/event but they often intensify or speed up the process – i think ONE OF THE FUNDAMENTAL FLAWS with the dating system we currently use is that we rush into relationships WITH PEOPLE WE DON’T REALLY KNOW AT ALL.
and yes, a huge part of being in a relationship with someone is getting to know them, but IT MAKES A LOT MORE SENSE TO SPEND SOME TIME (possibly in group situations so there is less pressure on the two of you) WITH THE PERSON GETTING TO KNOW THEM before asking them out. what this will do in some cases is eliminate a bunch of people as possibilities simply by taking the step of getting to know them – not necessarily cos they are bad people, but purely because you will be able to pick up that you are NOT WELL SUITED AS A COUPLE.
for example, if i am a complete outdoors nut – surfing, climbing, jet skiing – and i meet a girl and she is a complete indoors person – computer geek, playstation province champion, crochet fundi – then there is a strong possibility we WON’T BE WELL SUITED because we are PASSIONATE ABOUT DIFFERENT THINGS – and so just by spending a little bit of time getting to know each other we can pick that up and be saved even entering a relationship that is in all likelihood not going to go anywhere
GET TO KNOW THE PERSON FIRST – both as an individual and in group settings – and at least get some idea of possibility of compatability – BEFORE YOU RUSH INTO A RELATIONSHIP blind simply based on some attraction that may be based on the context or your loneliness and ‘need’ for a person…
Totally agreed!!! 🙂 getting to know the person is essential 🙂 looking forward to hear some more!
sounds like pretty solid advice….but I seem to remember that you and Val started “dating” pretty soon after meeting one another correct me if im wrong….
Jared
ah yes jared you are right – actually as tbV points out it was my last two girlfriends – just because i didn’t get it right doesn’t mean it’s not good advice though…
but my previous girlfriend is case in point – i knew hew sister and “met” her via mxit/facebook and if we had spent time getting to know each other face to face first there is no way we would have ever ended up dating (and again, not cos there is anything wrong with her but just cos we were not a great match)
another factor in the me/process is the age thing – i think to a large extent that the older you are the more idea you have of the person you would like to be with and so the ‘ascertaining the compatability’ process will for the most part be a much quicker process (largely cos you know what you don’t want or are not suited to) so this is more largely aimed at younger people, but does still apply in most cases i think…
val and were definitely an exception to the rule in a number of areas but i still think the rule is incredibly valid.
As I said above, it is def great advice, but somtime one needs to take a risk and put one’s self out there( like you did with Val) or you may never get the chance to see that person again.( you need to be mature in this, and look for somone who is the right sort of person for you) All im saying is there is risk involved in dating and it doesn’t always work out even when the compatability looks amazing. Somtimes the “perfect” person on paper isnt the “perfect” person in real life. In the past ive always been super cautious, looking for that perfect women and have let many opportunity’s go by. Im not saying those were mistakes and Ive missed meeting my wife. but if I meet somone I feel is “suited” to me im gonna go for it and take the risk. Im not saying Im gonna rush it for the sake of rushing it, but somtimes you need to make a “call” and commit to getting to know one another (somtime called “dating”, without spending weeks getting to know one another) or the opportunity could pass you by.
But yes if your 18, 19 or 20 you probably aren’t ready or able to get married…so why rush it. haha
respect
Jared
maybe you just need to do a mission trip? ha ha… but ja Jared, i agree completely with what you said – maybe need to write something about ‘putting yourself out there’ as opposed to just waiting and hoping a neon flashing sign will slowly lower itself from the heavens above a girl’s head pointing out that she is the one… chris basson has been writing a dating series and the one thing he wrote about was the distinction between a date and dating and so i would encourage a bunch of dates in your case perhaps which are specific set times with the girl you think may be a ‘the one’ so you’re still heading in the direction, but to refrain from dating (intentional committed relationship with the ultimate direction of marriage or the seeing-if-its-right-for-the-two-of-you’ness of that… so putting yourself out there and inviting on a date for sure, but generally (especially the younger guys) get to know each other a bit before moving to the exclusive-committed-dating stage (and then what would be key with the dates is making your intentions clear so the girl is not confused between the two)
Indeed!
I love this line: “and the butterflies head north for the summer” 🙂
And love the blog post in general too!
I’m not really loving the whole idea of dating right now.. It is honestly pretty awkward jumping some of the first steps of getting to know a person without the context that time, other-people-around-you and your-usual-favourite-activities bring, by going on one-one-one dates. I dunno, I personally really don’t like it. There must be better ways to get to know a person……………. less intense, less pressuring towards commitment and premature intimacy.
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I know what you mean. I was on a mission trip where I was becoming attracted to one of the young women there. Everybody is on their spiritual best. That’s why I kinda like the semi-traditional jewish form of dating:
You sit down at a table with the person in question. You share all you’re looking for in a spouse. They do the same. You share some of the things that could potentially be deal breakers (debilitating illnesses, past lives of crime, etc.). And then if it doesn’t seem like a match, you just go separate ways.
Though, I can’t say I’ve completed this in it’s fullness…
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