i met this guy when he was part of a not-so-famous band when they came and played at the teacher’s college i was studying at. Then i met him later when he was part of a famous band in south africa and over the years kept bumping into him and he always recognised me and treated me as if we were mates even though we didn’t really know each other so well – and then he became part of an even more famous international band and i finally got to have a decent coffee and chat with him in Los Angeles when i was visiting my sister… and it continues to be like we’re old mates – he has a great crazy naughty sense of humour and he is an excellent family man – so here are the thoughts of my friend, Daniel Ornellas:

When you first fall in love, couples are willing to sacrifice everything for the new love they have found and it leads up to the vows where we lay down our lives for our spouses. After a few months or years pass there is a tendency to try take back some of the me stuff and selfishness tends to creep in. It becomes a case of a “I’m going for a surf” and “ok then, “then I’m going shopping when you get back” vibe.

Soon there can be a pattern of disappointment because each person is looking out for their own interests and themselves first. It means that whenever we do something for ourselves we know that it’s taking from our marriage and quotes like “my wife says if I go fishing one more time she’s going to leave me… Gosh, I’ll miss her”.

The key I believe to really making this stage of marriage turn around is to turn it on its head and do the following. You know by now what your spouse loves and is interested in. So forget about your own interests and your own desires and make your partners interests your own mission.

So an example would be. “hey babe I know you love shopping so why don’t you go out for a couple of hours ” then while she is out shopping she knows she has gone with your blessing and will come home refreshed and ready to send you for a surf. Same outcome, different emotion and you have added to your marriage bank account instead of taking from it. You will both be stoked and not end up in an ‘overdrawn’ situation when you really put each other first.

[married for 12 years]

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