dear nigerian widow

firstly, thank you. your mail came as a huge surprise to me. i really appreciated you writing the entire correspondence in caps as my eyesight is not what it used to be. having it all condensed together in one run-one-line paragraph saved me a lot of time while conveying the urgency of your news and the need for me to act quickly on it.

your husband [what was his name again?] and i had not been in communication for i do not know how many years and so hearing of his sudden death of course caused me to have to take a moment and reflect on the brevity of life and the fact that before you can even really hardly get to know someone at all really, at all, they can be gone and you will never get that opportunity back to maybe get to know someone you have maybe not yet gotten to know, yet.

congratulations seem a little late, and possibly insensitive, but to have married someone who has so quickly risen to the rank of general in his country is not something to be sniffed at, especially at this time of his sudden passing, but i trust you had some valuable time together and had opportunity to enjoy it with him for a season.

i also really appreciate the fact that in the midst of the turmoil that your country seems to currently be in, that is restricting your ability to get yourself or your money safely out of the country, that you had the time and sensitivity to contact me and be thinking so strongly about someone other than yourself.

when i saw the sum of money you were wanting to transfer into my account i really had to double take as i was not aware that such large numbers even existed and had to google the amount of zeros simply to find out how to accurately share with my friends and family how much i was going to receive.

mrs widow, this is where i must just pause and express my genuine affection and how your mail deeply moved me. you see, i have been struggling with low self-esteem of late, due to some challenges in my personal and work environments. so when you mailed to say that you viewed me as a trustworthy and reliable person [or company] who will “kindly help us to accommodate and safeguard this fund into his account to save us from the calamities of the present clamp on her husbands bank accounts/assets all over the world,” well i just burst straight into tears.

thank YOU, mrs general [what was his name again?]’s widow. or maybe i can express my feelings with more meaning by saying THANK YOU. AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF STRUGGLE WITH WORK THREE JOBS JUST TO GET THE BILLS PAID AND TRIED AND MOVE OUT OF MY MOTHERS IS HOUSE IT IS SO SATISFYING AND JUBILATE TO KNOW THAT THE END IS NEAR. THEIR IS NO THING THAT CAN STAND BETWEEN ME AND MINE DREAMS NOW AND I HAVE YOU TO THANK AND LOOK FORWARD TO HELP YOU IN THIS MANNER THAT WILL SAFELY GET THIS MONEY INTO MY COUNTRY FOR YOU, FOR A SMALL PERCENTAGE IN RETURN.

if you could please email the specifics of the transaction to my primary email address [it should be in your husband’s inbox] we can speedily proceed with this matter further

yours sincerely
to whom it did concern

[title Weekly Writing Challenge: Mail it In]