When I started thinking about having children and even long before.. I would never have guessed that the word abortion would ever be part of my vocabulary. I am definitely pro-life, and have been an active advocate against abortions, even doing speeches and presentations on the matter. I always thought that it was a black and white issue, and I am sure that for most people it still might be… I kind of wish that it was still that easy for me. But my life and view of things have changed dramatically over the last 3 years.
I’ve always wanted to be a mommy. I even wanted 6 children! But when I was about 20 years old, I was diagnosed with endometriosis and polycystic ovarian syndrome. My doctors told me I would have to have a lot of medical help if I want children and one doctor even told me that I will never have children. About 9 months after I got married, I went to the gynecologist and she told me my chances of getting pregnant without medical help is about 0.05%. I was devastated, and decided to discontinue my contraceptive medication. We weren’t planning children right away, but it seemed senseless to use if I am not really able to get pregnant.
I got pregnant 3 weeks after stopping the contraceptive.
I was so overjoyed and in awe of this amazing miracle. I had a very tough pregnancy and had morning day and night sickness for the full nine months. I had almost every possible ‘side effect’ of pregnancy and lost 10kg during my pregnancy. My baby boy, Helgard [HG] was born a healthy 4.52kg through normal delivery (I believed in doing things as natural as possible). One of my friends had her baby 1 week before my son was born. Her baby died when she was 3 months old. She had Edwards syndrome. This friend is still struggling severely. And not knowing this would change my view of things.
When my son was about 10 months old, we decided to get pregnant again, and again it happened so quickly. This time I got so sick right from the start, and it was really bad. We went for the first scan at about 9 weeks and everything looked pretty normal, but I was REALLY sick. By the time we went for the 12 week scan, I was hospitalized 3 times for dehydration because of the severe morning sickness. When we looked at the baby on the sonogram we could see something was very wrong.
This ended up in weeks and weeks of testing and worry and uncertainty. We were so devastated. This was (I thought at that time) the worst thing that could happen to anyone. By the time I was 21 weeks, the tests could not diagnose anything specific, but we could see with every scan how the baby was deteriorating. We went to see a fetal specialist and were told our baby was suffering from advanced heart failure. His lungs, kidneys and liver were much too small and his limbs were under developed. The specialist told us that heart failure this severe was not very common in a baby this size. She also informed me that there was no life expectancy for this child and that he would probably not survive another 2 weeks inside the womb. By this time I have lost 12kg and have been hospitalized 6 times. I have been prodded and poked by needles and emotionally I was dead. Because of the risk on my own life, we decided to end the pregnancy. Terminate. Abort.
This was horrific. I wanted this baby so bad, but he was so far gone. Through this whole ordeal we kept praying and believing in a miracle… but despite people telling us that ‘if we just believe and pray and keep faith, he will be fine’ he was not. I believe that God can do ANYTHING. But I also believe that just because He can, it doesn’t mean that He will. God has His plans and His timing. And sometimes people get sick and die. And my baby was sick and dying.
I cannot begin to describe the devastation of holding your lifeless baby in your arms. We could see by the severe swelling and malformation that he was never meant for this life. We had a post mortem done, and he was diagnosed with a rare genetic mutated disease. There is no baby born alive with this disease. Although this was difficult we made peace with it and tried to move on.
We still desperately wanted another child. I really put everything in front of the Father and told him that I don’t think I can face something like this again. So I prayed feverishly for a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy.
I had so much faith. And I believed everything would be fine.
About 5 months later I was pregnant again. We were so overjoyed, especially in light of our loss. But again, despite my belief that things will be easier, I was very sick. I made the hospital my home every second week. At the 12 week scan everything looked fine, and I was so relieved that I cried. But this relief turned into the worst devastation I could ever imagined when we went for the 20 week scan and found out that this baby (we named him Christian) had severe spina bifida . We went to see a specialist again. And the prognosis was horrible. Although there was life expectancy, everything else was really bad. They also told us to go for more tests because it was very likely that there were other illnesses as well.
I felt like I had died. I could not believe that this was happening. AGAIN. My heart felt like it was ripped out of my chest and into a million pieces.
I believed. I prayed. I fasted. And still this was happening.
We had to go through the process of deciding on this baby’s life. Again.
I still don’t know if we did the right thing. But we ended the pregnancy. I held my broken and hurt baby until he went cold. I have cried a river of tears and find it so difficult to be happy for my friends that had normal and healthy babies. There are no words to describe this loss and the agony of our decision to anyone. I don’t think anything else in life I will face or have to decide on, will be this difficult. A part of me died that day. And I will mourn for the rest of my life.
We have been judged on our decision, without compassion. And although I am sure that this might be a struggle for the rest of my life, I still have hope. I know I am loved by our Father. And I know my babies are with Him and they are not hurting and suffering. I am the one suffering. Most of the time I feel that I made the right decision, but I question myself constantly.
My faith has been tested in ways that I would never have dreamed possible, but I still have faith and I know that my Father held me through this whole thing. And I picture Him crying with me. I don’t understand why any of this has happened, and doubt that I ever will in this lifetime. But I know I have a deeper understanding of God the Father, and I know I am close to His heart.
[…] to read the story of Irma, click here […]
You are blessed more than you know, you have a husband, and a beautiful child. REjoice in your blessing, and give praise to God.
I don’t think that there is Any excuse for abortion. We have to suffer for our children and truly lay down our lives for them. those born normal and not. not just abort when the child doesn’t look normal or deformed. thats playing GOD. people died during child birth to give birth to babies that died , were sick and weren’t normal. no amount of justification will remove the fact that you took away a life. I don’t think God favors abortion, under any circumstance. He is a God of forgiveness, yes, but this is coming across as someone who just took things into their own hands and doesn’t have the faith that they speak so much about. just my view. Thanks
Thanks for responding Marce. The Bible speaks very clearly about “speaking the truth in love” and whether or not you got the truth part right can be up for debate, but i very much doubt you got the Love part right – maybe read the story again and try and imagine yourself in the position of the person telling it and try and hear the genuine wrestling and crying out and brokenness that took place – it is possible to respond in love to something you don’t agree with and maybe taking an extra few moments to imagine an encounter between Jesus and Irma – what He might have said, how deeply she would have felt loved by Him and what words He might have responded to her with.
I am also pro-life, and find it incredibly hard not to outwardly judge healthy, professional adults who accidentally fall pregnant but choose to abort in order to maintain their childless lifestyle. I do also, however, feel that there are real situations where there is a genuine argument for abortion, and this is an example of that. I also don’t believe in divorce, but some sad and difficult situations have strong arguments for divorce too. One big difference here to the ‘easy to judge – black and white – obviously immoral according to Biblical views’ is that this was not a quick, selfish, go on with life decision. This decision was made with hurt and pain and loss and sorrow and even regret. I think it would sadly be wrong for this mom to continue trying now that it’s pretty evident that she’s likely to put herself and her family back into the same situation. I also think it might have been wrong if the child was going to be born ‘deformed’ but no risk was on it’s health and the mother’s health. But it’s a real and scary and sad consideration to have to choose to potentially leave your healthy living breathing child motherless and with a dying sibling with so many special needs, or for that mother to let go of her already dying baby and trust God in His ‘time for death’, heal and refocus on being a mother and wife. Even if it is ‘wrong’ or ‘sinful’ this mother feels pain and remorse, and let him who is without sin throw the first stone. God has long gone forgiven her, and as the Christian body we should be sympathizing in her pain, encouraging her to accept His forgiveness and towards healing.
Thank you for this. Sometimes we tend to get ‘pro life’ mixed up with ‘anti death’ and if we are pro life it really is a much huger consideration and question. So glad we get to stand in front of God one day and be judged cos not sure i’d trust too many people, including me… you have summed this up so well.
It is not enough to say that one shouldn’t judge though. Why is it that we are troubled by Abortion any way if it isn’t wrong?? Too many people are getting away with murder because they have a valid reason or supporting emotion, sickness or excuse! Who are we suppose to be holding ourselves accountable to if not each other? I can plainly say, yes, I feel your pain and what you must’ve gone through but why not challenge the individual or couple? I am not casting stones because I am not sin free.
i am not saying that people should not be held accountable and i am not saying i think abortion is right but i am saying regardless of how i feel about that, that i am still called to love the person whether they make the best choice or not and Irma clearly here made choices she was conflicted about and is still trying to figure out whether it was right or wrong, but in the midst of a very complicated situation [once health issues get brought in, survival of the mother while giving birth etc] that it becomes a lot more complicated and that it is worth listening and really trying to hear before we respond, and then when we respond to speak truth in love and then to be committed to the person afterwards, again whether they chose right or wrong, to walk the path of healing and forgiveness if necessary – abortion certainly is not an unforgivable sin, right. We need to be asking how do we show God’s love to the people involved regardless of what has happened [which doesn’t necessarily have to validate what happened or mean we agree with the choice].
Marce, why are you feeling the need to challenge someone who has already admitted that they feel challenged themselves. Even if your point of view is right, after having committed, confessed and struggled with mixed feelings of regret and pain about a sin, do you expect your christian community around you or those you open up to to repetitively point out your sin and challenge you? Or at that point would you be needing people to help you come to forgive yourself and accept God’s forgiveness?
There is Love in challenging, and many times in my career and personal life I have been challenged and therefore felt I could be accountable to others as well as myself. We cannot measure pain because a great pain to one may not be to another but we often think that our pain is the greatest anyway. The twist is that many individuals have experienced pain on levels which cannot be measured,captured, written about but we honor their selfless decision because it was in the face of evil of wrong doing that they Chose , Chose life, Chose to have Faith. Why teach that Abortion is wrong if you don’t truly believe that the life in you is Living?? I was also faced with abortion and I would be writing out of complete guilt if I chose that way. I was shown the Light at a very difficult time in my life but I decided that I will lay down my life for my child, following through on 12hours of labour , an emergency c-section and then my heart was pumping too erratically that they could not give me my child immediately, I’m sorry for believing but yes miracles still happen like that!
Look, we all have our lives and this is a blog so there you go, my opinion is my opinion…
thankx for sharing Marce, it is a reminder that we all have our stories and we call carry our pain and so can hopefully understand and appreciate when others have the same, especially when it has not been an easy or clear cut decision but followed a huge amount of wrestling and confusion and then just trying to do the right thing – whether Irma got it right or wrong at the end of the day definitely has impact for her – but as far as we are concerned the call for us is to respond in love and compassion and being a shoulder where needed…
You absolutely are throwing stones, Marce. But yes, you are correct in that you shouldn’t. You haven’t walked in anyone else’s shoes, and it’s not our place to judge, condemn or challenge someone for their actions.
Love one another, and love this woman for sharing her heartbreak and anguish, regardless of if you FEEL you would have done the same or otherwise in her situation. I, for one, am grateful to have never experienced this exact situation, and until I do I won’t comment on how I would act. I imagine we have all, everyone one of us, made decisions that we can be proud of or not, in both difficult situations and not.
This woman deserves the very best of our love because she has fought multiple battles within her own self already. It hurts my heart to see those who have been through so much be attacked and questioned in the name of faith.
so let’s not question because its a tender situation? because we shouldn’t question? you’re right. it is questioning, the problem is that people dont question enough, there’s a difference between throwing stones and merely questioning. I am responding differently and nows its not out of love and compassion??come on people. ..
Maybe we should leave it there, Marce. I don’t think anyone here is saying that we shouldn’t question. If you read the post carefully you see that Irma was and is doing just that – this was a traumatic time for her and she had to make a choice and has to live with that choice. But it is done. What is most important in our response is not letting her know that we think she did the wrong thing – I think you’ve made that clear – but that regardless of whether she got it right or wrong, she is loved by God and by us. That is THE most important thing in all this. Ultimately we are all responsible for the death of a child… because it was through our decision-making and lifestyle and embrace of sin that Jesus ended up on the cross. So are we any better or worse than Irma? Well we are all in need of love and compassion and forgiveness and Jesus offers that to us freely, WHATEVER our sin is or has been. And He calls His people to do the same – we are called to be known by the love we have for each other, not anything else. We still get to question and to challenge and to hold accountable, but there must NEVER be any doubt of our Love.
Irma, thank you so much for sharing your story. It was courageous to be honest and vulnerable about facing such difficult decisions and facing heartbreaking loss – I cannot imagine having to walk that road, and then to face the harsh reactions of people who have not been in your place would put me over the edge. Thank you also for sharing the beautiful pictures with your son – I pray that the joy captured in these moments will permeate your days and ease the pain, and I trust that God will continue to sustain you.
love from a sister in Christ,
Alyssa
Irma, thank you so much for sharing this story. (I hope you get to see this comment). I’ve long since decided that this issue is too complex for me to have a black and white, blanket “one size fits all” sort of answer to it, because those sort of responses tend to fall flat when presented with cases like this one. I’m so incredibly sorry for the pain you’ve had to go through, but I’m ecstatic that God has blessed you with a beautiful child to love and the knowledge that, whilst you may not understand all that you’ve gone through to this point, that he’s in control and there for you. Your faith and strength have inspired me. God bless you going forward.
Irma (and Brett and others), thank you for sharing. The net has become our living room for conversation (without the coffee). Irma, if you would please allow me to lift you in prayer. Heavenly Father, thank you for our lives. God, you created all of us, you knew us before time, and you know our hearts. Thank you for blessing Irma with a loving husband and a healthy child. Dear Father, please send your Holy Spirit to bring peace to Irma and her family. To surround her with Your love and warm embrace. Continue to bring healing to her heart, and help her to carry the burdens she has shared with us. Father please help us to be your workers in your vineyard; to walk alongside our sister without judgement. To lift Irma in prayer and to serve her as your Son suffered to serve all of us. God grant wisdom to Irma’s husband to be the servant leader is their marriage. Bless him to protect and care for his wife, and support him with strong Christian men who can help him to comfort and guide his family. I ask all these things in the name of our Lord and savior, Your son Jesus Christ. Irma, I don’t have a point of reference to fully understand your loss. I appreciate you sharing your story here, but I wonder if there are places where you might seek comfort that is more near? This all seems to be very, very recent and while the church of the internet has it’s place, we probably can’t offer you the support you would find helpful to work through the pains you feel. You are wise to know that God loves you (for his son died for us even while we were all sinners). I encourage you to lean on your husband, to surround yourself with Christian witnesses who are nearby, and to prayerfully consider healing before acting. May the peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you!
You are an amazing woman of strength and wisdom. I pray that you find peace and it breaks my heart that you have to go through so much pain.
Irma, you have an awesome Father on your side. He loved us while we were lost in the dark, therefore there is nothing that will make Him change His mind about you. What we know for a fact is that we do not need to justify God or make “excuses” for Him if He didn’t show up as we expected. For now we see in part, only a mirror reflection, but then we shall fully know as we are known. Fact: He shall be with you wherever you go, it’s His promise, whether exile or land of milk and honey. He died for us because there was a need for redemption, in this situation too you are redeemed, it is accomplished, your redemption is not lacking in any form. He will gather you from the east and from the west, He says to the North “Give her up!” and to the South “Do not hold her back!” He will gather you from all corners of the earth and make you whole again. You are loved!
Thank you so much for dropping by, Phumzile, your love is evident and His through you.
Sjoe, it’s really hard for me not to be judgemental here… having almost lost a child to cancer at 3 months of age, at a time when we were told there was no more help that she wouldn’t survive. Today she is a healthy 13 year old….so it makes it harder for me not to judge, as He healed her little body miraculously.
What I do remember is though is what we went through during that time and how utterly helpless and alone we felt, even when surrounded by well meaning people.
So I choose here not to judge your choices. as I know living and going through such an ordeal is horrific, life changing and devastating.
All I can say is I feel your pain and my words of comfort to you is that only God has all the answers what I do find comfort in is through, when I mess up and make choices that are contrary to the word, His grace covers over all my failures. We all have our own road to walk and we all stand before the King one day accountable for our decisions, I have no right to judge you as I myself am not without fault and often fail hopelessly. Please know that He is gracious and feels our pain.
Enjoy and treasure the little one you have, much love and many blessings xxx
[…] of town, i posted a story from my friend, Irma, as part of the Taboo Topics section of my blog, on the topic of abortion, where there were special circumstances with both of the babies she lost and where she and her […]
Thank you Irma for being so brave in sharing your stories which demonstrate that life and living the Christian life is not so black and white as some would have us believe. The bible does not teach as to whether abortion is right or wrong. However, I need to ask the question of the readers “Do they believe God judges us by our actions?” If so, I have news for you. Read Ephesians 1v4.
God calls us to a holiness which is blameless.(not faultless). The difference between blamelessness and faultlessness is that the latter has to do with our faculties such as being gullible, cannot keep to time, being disorganised and the like, whereas the former refers to our intentions. This is why Jesus explicitly teaches us not to judge as we seldom know the intentions of others. For instance I may preach a wonderful sermon to be acclaimed by those who listen rather than that God be extolled in my preaching-that would be a wrong intention. Or one can make a big mistake but with the right intention. Could the little boy who wanted to make his daddy’s car look better and decided to surprise daddy by painting it with wall paint be punished for his actions?. The intentions were honorable but what a costly mistake. The same applies to the way in which we conduct ourselves.God looks at our intentions. There are some things in life where there don’t appear to be right or wrong answers and the choices may seem contrary to what we may hold dear. Has it ever occurred to some that our Father in Heaven has allowed these situations (think of Job) and knows all about it. In Irma’s story, she has put her own preconceived ideas behind her in favour of looking to those of her unborn children. It has been very painful as she has related but her intentions were of others first before herself and this would accord with what God expects of us. As members of Christ’s body, we are meant to show the same grace, compassion and love that He showed. Being condemning usually means we lack grace and understanding. if you are guilty of this be careful, God may throw you a curly.
You want to hear my thoughts / comments? you want me to play nice? ok 🙂 I don’t know the lady in this story, but my heart can only go out for someone in this situation. However, and this is not aimed at the lady in this story, we (Christians) have to stop using the exceptional circumstances to make the rule!! Otherwise we might as well just justify everything we want and write it off as ‘controversial’.
i’m not quite sure what you mean by using exceptional circumstances to make the rule, or by justifying things by labelling them controversial because i don’t think any of those things happened here – Irma herself in the post admits that she doesn’t know if she did the right thing – it was an extremely tough situation and she had to make a tough call – when i talk about ‘playing nice’ i’m not saying let’s justify this, i’m saying let’s speak the truth in love and let’s be known by the love we have for each other and we [the church] don’t have the greatest track record of that – it is okay to think someone made a mistake and still love them – one day we will get that and the world will be transformed…
Very good points Brett, and I didn’t make myself very clear, my humble apologies. Right let me clarify as best I can. I don’t judge Irma, I have no place to. I pray I never find myself in the same situation needing to make the same decision. I don’t judge her decision either. My criticism actually falls far from her and her family – my criticism is actually directed at the broader Christian family. What I mean to say is that I feel that all to often we look at these controversial topics, i.e. abortion, same-sex marriage, etc. and we there is the tendency to favour the outcome which favours the individual, and not Scripture. I.e. Irma’s life story would, in my humble opinion, be an exceptional circumstance which most people would not find themselves in when debating the “to abort, or not to abort’ question. What then happens, is that the controversial issue of abortion suddenly becomes acceptable based on an exceptional circumstance, i.e. “the exception proves the rule”. In my humble opinion, if that is justifiable, then we might as well research, construct or conjure up any number of exceptional circumstances to controversial topics, and thereby justify EVERY SINGLE sin which we currently would categorise as “controversial”.
My honest estimation of this situation, is that this is actually the truth across the board. As western civilisation continues with its dogma of “I was born this way”, the truth of the gospel becomes further watered down in order to accommodate our “western way of thinking”. We like to look at the laws in Leviticus and tear them apart because of things like shellfish, tattoos, sideburns etc. not giving much appreciation to the intent of making a people of God’s own that were distinct from the rest of society. Then, we make the same mistake in our world by again forgetting that we are still supposed to be distinctly different from society…I don’t believe we fit in. it’s acceptable in our society to abort, to have same sex marriage, to divorce and re-marry, but since when should we live exactly the same?
In closing, I reiterate, this is not a judgment on Irma. My criticism is on the Christian community that is happy to use the exception to make the rule.
Make any better sense?
Thankx Christopher, that is a much helpful clarification and i agree with you wholeheartedly. Really appreciate you taking the time to come back and respond in this way. Don’t know that i could have said it better.
The only real judging going on on this page is how a mother judged her disabled child with a congenital disorder to be unworthy of living.
“Most of the time I feel that I made the right decision, but I question myself constantly.” This poor soul needs to hear that what she did was gravely wrong so that she can confess the sin of killing her babies and receive the loving mercy of Jesus. Human life is never ours to take, even the weakest and most hopeless among us. May God have mercy on us all.
i suspect there may be more judging going on than that…
All I’m saying is that the whole article is all about how the mother is suffering and hasn’t been shown enough compassion (presumably by other Christians). But what about the poor babies who never even got to see the light of day? They are the ones who were truly judged. Where was the compassion when they needed it most? It’s important to be compassionate and merciful, but the concept of mercy is absolutely meaningless if women like Irma aren’t even convinced that they did anything wrong. Why would someone who thinks they ‘did the right thing’ need mercy? It seems that deep down she knows that she murdered her children, but instead of admitting to this sad fact and confessing her guilt in order to receive God’s endless mercy, she has tried to convince herself that she did the right thing in order to appease her conscience.
Brad, have you actually read Irma’s story or did you read the title and make your comments? This really is an important question. The first baby had no life expectancy and probably would not have survived another two weeks in the womb. And her life was at risk. That is very different to “oh I just decided to get an abortion” – would i have made a similiar decision in the same circumstance? i can’t answer that question but i imagine it was a crazy ridiculously difficult question for them both to figure out. [There have been cases where Jehovah’s witnesses have refused blood transfusions based on religious beliefs and died as a result… How do you judge that one out?] If you read the intro to Irma’s story you would see that before this happened she was pro-life anti-abortion and even gave talks on the topic so i really want to just hear you acknowledge that none of this is as easy as some of your comments seem to suggest – the black and whitness of it… did she still make the wrong choice? perhaps that is an area we can disagree on… but your answer is too simple and feels like it is lacking any kind of compassion and empathy and if we are talking from a Christ following perspective then compassion is something Jesus was full of and not at the expense of judgement or command to “sin no more” but it was the ‘righteous people’ more than ‘the sinful folks’ who felt judged in His presence… those putting heavy loads on others they couldn’t bear and those refusing to show compassion to the poor and needy… i believe you are sincere in what you believe and in how it is causing you to respond, but i remind you to head to Jesus’ number one commandment and work your way down from there… you may arrive at a different destination…
Irma, I’ve faced this decision once and I nearly didn’t survive it. I can’t imagine the horror of facing it twice. Like you, I’m left with so many questions. The one thing I know for sure is that my baby is safe and whole with Jesus and I’ll get to meet her one day. Cuddle her, laugh with her, see her running around. And one day Jesus will tell me whether what I thought I heard Him say was right. That He desires mercy, not sacrifice. Thank you for sharing your story, I feel so much less alone.
To those who think they know the answers, I wish I could be as sure as you. Personally, I don’t think even those of us who have gone through it are qualified to judge on these issues, whatever choice we made. I think the awful awful pain and guilt would accompany both choices equally and only Jesus can be our judge and our healer. Instead of weighing in on the right vs wrong debate, if you know someone like me, maybe just love that person. And pray. And give them a hug on their personal January 5th. Jesus is more than big enough to deal with me on the right vs wrong issues Himself.
beautiful words Katherine, thank you SO MUCH for sharing – i think you captured the heart of it and yes I’m pretty sure too that Jesus has this one…
I find it so sad that some Christians feel they have a right to judge someone and hurl “questions” or “challenges” at them. People become so obsessed with what sin is and who might be doing it that they forget to look at themselves and the very delicate worlds surrounding other people. I spent many years in the church- my life was not perfect and I made some difficult decisions and it is voices like these that make me feel like I will never find a place in a human spiritual community again. I admire Irma for writing this, I would not have the courage to face the callousness of some of these ‘Christians’.
Thanks Karin and i am truly sorry for the experience you have had, but i do hope there will be a time again when you find a spiritual community that resembles Jesus more than the Pharisees and where you feel welcome and loved and cared for. They do exist…
[…] to read the story of Irma, click here […]