The first myth I pointed out in my Relevant article was this idea that “Any and all physical contact is a like a gateway drug to sex.”
Growing up, I frequently heard metaphors like, “Don’t start the engine if you aren’t ready to drive the car” used to warn teenagers that any physical contact (including holding hands and kissing) was a slippery slope straight into the jaws of fornication.
Let me be clear. There is some truth to the fact that physical contact leads to more physical contact. Our bodies are designed to respond to certain signals and stimuli in ways that prepare us for sex. That’s just anatomy. What isn’t as true and certainly isn’t as helpful is this idea that you should be scared of physical contact because if you hold your significant other’s hand, sex will magically or accidentally happen against your will.
I have three major problems with this way of talking about boundaries in a physical relationship. The first two have to do with negative consequences of carrying these ideas over into marriage
On this side of things, I can honestly say that there are SO many conscious decisions you have to make between kissing and having sex. Despite what Hollywood says, clothes do not take themselves off and bodies do not magically and effortlessly fit together. And after years of hearing things like, “I got carried away and it just happened,” we feel broken and inept when we discover that in fact, sex doesn’t “just happen,” but takes a significant amount of communication and maneuvering that isn’t what we think of as “sexy.” In that way, this whole slippery slope idea is more Hollywood than it is Scripture.
The second way this idea can negatively affect sex in marriage is that these kinds of metaphors and language reduce human sexuality to a mechanical operation. Before marriage it looks like this; “Don’t press this button or flip that switch or you’ll cause sex to happen.” After marriage it can look like this: “I pressed all the buttons and flipped all the right switches – I am expecting sex to happen.” And if it doesn’t happen, “What did I do wrong?” or worse, “What’s wrong with my partner that they aren’t responding the way they are supposed to?”
Human sexuality is complex and it can’t be (and shouldn’t be) separated from our emotional, mental, spiritual, or otherwise physical state. This kind of language and thinking enforces the idea that our sex drive is the thing that controls us, rather than teaching a biblical, holistic view of the person where all the aspects of our humanity are equally valued.
Speaking from personal experience, this kind of thinking can lead us to expect physical affection to always lead to sex. It had been so ingrained in me that men wanted sex always that I went into marriage believing that any time we kissed or touched or anytime my husband saw my body, we were going to have sex. Not only is that not reality, but it would be unhealthy in a marriage for a couple to only be physically affectionate with the end goal of sex in mind.
My third major problem with this concept deals specifically with how we are talking to teenagers about sex, purity, and abstinence. I have seen and heard many Christian leaders try to produce “purity” in teenagers by building fear. The message is often something along the lines of “If you take one step down this road, you will lose control and not be able to stop yourself.”
I have to wonder if this isn’t a little bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy with teenagers. If you are constantly being told (directly or indirectly) that you are incapable of making good decisions, eventually you will start to believe it.
I return to my earlier point that this view is damaging because it fails to look at the person (specifically the teenager) as a holistic being. This attitude ASSUMES that you must be controlled by your sex drive above all else. You set strong boundaries out of fear that your sex drive will take over and you will lose control.
If you are committed to waiting until you’re married to have sex, then it is NECESSARY to set boundaries on your physical relationships, but the fear of accidentally having sex shouldn’t be the reason for that. In fact, I don’t believe that fear is a good motivation for doing anything.
I wonder if instead of teaching teenagers that they need to set these boundaries because they CAN’T make good decisions, we honored them as whole human beings who possess a sex drive, but also will and intellect and emotions and, for Christians, the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. Teenagers (and adults!) are still growing in their ability to balance all of these things. Even as adults we need healthy boundaries around any activities that we may go overboard with and that would cause one aspect of our humanity to be out of balance with the others. Setting boundaries is a way that we help ourselves to grow in wholeness.
So instead of looking at it through the lens of “These are the things I’m not going to do because I am afraid I’ll lose control” I think it would be far more powerful to choose what you ARE going to do and why you are going to do it. “I’m going to set boundaries that help me make wise choices so that I can grow as a WHOLE and complete person.”
With this kind of attitude, the boundaries you set are not just about controlling or suppressing your sexuality. They are about engaging your mind and your will, creating opportunities to listen to the Holy Spirit and to grow in your ability to consistently make good decisions. Boundaries are not about restricting you because you are out of control. Boundaries are about creating opportunity for you to make the good decisions that you ARE capable of making.
[Lily Dunn is an ice cream connoisseur, a Disney fanatic, and a fellow raiSIN hater trying to live an authentic, grace-filled life. She lives and teaches with her husband in Daegu, South Korea and blogs at https://lilyellyn.wordpress.com. Follow her on Twitter @LilyEllyn]
[For the Intro to this series, click here]
[For some of my own thoughts on the ‘How Far is Too Far?’ during dating question, click here]
THANK YOU, LILY DUNN. I read your RELEVANT article when it was first published and was definitely chewing on it for a while. That said, I’m even more delighted that we’re separated by far less than 6 degrees (Hey, Fish!) and now I get to read even more elaboration on this. I’m learning…on a steep curve…how to have an effective discussion about this nebulous idea of “boundaries.” I’ve heard a lot of that awful advice, so I truly appreciate your frank discussion — looking forward to more!
Ah yeah, forget Kevin Bacon. It’s degrees of separation from this Fish who loves bacon. Thanks for the visit and the comment, Katelin!
Thanks, Katelin! I’m glad this was meaningful for you and I hope can be a helpful part of your ongoing journey. Thanks for reading and for taking a minute to comment!
[…] Lies about Sex: Part I – Physical Contact and Boundaries […]
Thanks for writing this (and for the original Relevant article)! You should write a book for dating couples. Before I was married, I read a few different books – and even the ones that claim to be less legalistic made me feel guilty for holding hands, kissing and saying “I love you” before marriage. It was very confusing because I just wanted to honour God and to have a good relationship but those rules didn’t make any sense to me. In the books I read, even the very innocent dating behaviours like holding hands or going out alone together were reframed as being part of the slippery slope to sex. I really wanted the answer to the question “How far is too far?” – But every book just told me that was the WRONG QUESTION, and I must be trying to get away with as much as possible!! But that wasn’t the case – I just wanted to set some good boundaries and please God in my relationship. Defining sin is really important, and forbidding all physical contact out of fear isn’t helpful. Thanks again 🙂
Great to hear from you, Laura. Thanks for your comment. Would you believe, someone recently approached me about writing a book! Haha. And then you posted this comment. So now I’m seriously thinking about it. I agree with you that even the books I read while I was dating and engaged were not particularly helpful in helping me develop a positive and holistic understanding of sex and sexuality. Thanks for reading!
I would buy it and promote it!
Thanks! 🙂
I imagine you are not the only one…
This is a great start to a much need discussion. Most of Christian abstinence culture is based on fear of sex, rather than simply being intentional about healthy sexuality.
I really like that phrase, “being intentional about healthy sexuality.” I think that’s a really great way of putting it. I was talking to a friend recently who pointed out that using the term “abstinence” in itself has such a negative connotation since the other things we typical use that word for are things like drugs, alcohol, tobacco, etc. It’s hard not to mentally lump sex in with these other vices we try to avoid. Thanks for reading and for taking a minute to comment!
Hi Lily! Thanks very much for sharing! It made me rethink my convictions and purpose for abstinence. I I really think u should write a book to redirect believers to the right way. Continue to shine for His glory! God bless! Btw i have a question… So i have been thinking about physical contact (kissing) for a while and whether it’s a godly thing to do when you’re in a relationship. After reading your blog, I’m still not sure (dont get me wrong it was a good post), I’m still wrestling with the thought whether kissing is godly in the eyes of God. Any advice?
hey Renie, thankx for stopping by – I am not Lily but i hope she will jump in as well and answer this – for me i guess i would suggest that there is no hard and fast rule – i don’t know so much that kissing is [or can be] a problem as to what effect it has on you and your person – if it leads to other things that make you feel like you’ve compromised then i would hold back, but the act in itself i would not see as being bad or too much or anything – probably a good conversation to have with your guy and then figure it out together although that can take the romantic/just happened ness out of it i guess but if not him then some friends of yours you feel particularly close to… i guess as with most stuff of a sexual nature you will never end up married one day [if that’s where you end up] wishing you had kissed or done more with an ex… [if you do, you need some help] and so until you know this is the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with keeping it lighter and more fun and chilled for me feels like the best way… dunno if that helps at all… Lily?
Hi Renie! Thanks for stopping by and for the encouraging comment! I actually would second a lot of what Brett said in his comment. I don’t mean to be wishy-washy or say, “It just depends…whatever’s right for YOU,” but I do think that’s kind of true here. The goal is to reserve sexual intimacy for marriage and it really depends on you and your significant other what crosses the line into sexual intimacy. Like Brett said, I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with kissing someone you are in a committed relationship with. It all has to do with what that’s doing in your hearts, whether any particular part of your physical relationship feels inappropriately intimate or is causing you to really struggle not to compromise your standards.
Ideally, there is meant to be a progression in a relationship – you move from a friendship into something more romantic and then you grow closer and more intimate as time goes on until you reach the point that you are confident about getting married – and then you continue to grow in intimacy from there. My personal opinion is that this happens physically as well and that it’s natural for that to happen. But I think pacing is very important. It is very easy to create a false sense of intimacy through an accelerated physical relationship. When my (now) husband and I were dating we made it a point not to progress physically beyond where we were emotionally/mentally/spiritually. In other words, we spent a lot more time building the deep and meaningful parts of our relationship. We dated for 3.5 years before we got married, and we actually waited 15 months before we had our first kiss. I’m NOT saying that’s what everyone should do. It’s kind of funny to me now. 🙂 But ultimately, I think that decision was rooted in a really good desire to build intimacy in other parts of our relationship before moving ahead too far physically. And the truth is, it was 15 months of not kissing and then after 1 month of kissing, we were pros at it. 🙂 It goes much more quickly than other aspects of relationship-building. Since we were together for so long before getting married, I’m glad we waited to start kissing. But I’m also glad that we kissed because I think I needed that gradual progression of intimacy emotionally/spiritually/physically to reach the point that I was completely confident and ready by the time we reached our wedding day.
So, sorry for the mammoth comment, but to summarize – I don’t think kissing is inherently wrong. I do think you need to be honest with yourself and the other person about what that’s doing in your hearts. I love what Brett said – that you’ll never look back at a past relationship and wish you’d done MORE. And I think it’s wise to spend more time investing in other parts of the relationship before moving quickly into the physical side of things. Hope that helps!
Thankx Lily, great words!
Thanks very much Brett and Lily! Got a clearer and better perspective on it 🙂 Thanks again for sharing!
[…] are interested in hearing some more in-depth thoughts about this topic, check out my guest series, “Let’s Talk About Sex” over at my friend Brett “Fish” Anderson’s […]