more great Jack Handeyisms:

I don’t pretend to have all the answers. I don’t pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?

I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He’d get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn’t have the right answers, mister, you’d be peeling potatoes or changing the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn’t in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!

When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.

As the light changed from red to greeen to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

If I was being executed by injection, I’d clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I’d say, “Injection? I thought you said `inspection’.” They’d probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.

[For even more different humourous Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, click here]