i posted this as my status on the book of faces yesterday, not expecting the mini eruption of controversy as different people read different things into what i had tried to say [and i will share the comments in part II]:
Parents of young children… while i LOVE reading so many of the funny moments and epic statements your children have and make, i do think there is huge value in savouring some of those just for yourselves as a family… i just worry that moments that should be precious memories for you as a family are being broadcast to the world and to many people who won’t hold them as lovingly as you will.
as far as i can see from the responses, there are 3 ways to read this:
# i hate seeing children stuff on my walls [i will admit that as i was writing it i was worried that people could read it as if i had written it sarcastically as in ‘I really DON’T love reading…’ which was not the case at all and i did try to write it in such a way as to avoid that opinion but a lot of people seemed to think i was somehow telling them to put less of their children stuff on my facebook wall] – this is not what my point was and there are settings on facebook that protect me from needing to read anyone’s posts that i don’t particularly like or want to read – a quick ‘unfollow’, ‘remove notifications’ or in extreme cases ‘unfriend’ will solve that particular problem in an instant – that was not the intention of the status.
# you’re a bad parent and i question your motivation for posting so much about your children online [again, this was not my intent, nor was i attempting to tell anyone what to do as a parent – and reading it again now, i personally don’t see why people read it that way, but i can hear and to some extent feel the frustration of parents who have been told continually by others how to be better parents and imagine that must be so incredibly frustrating and so even seeing something that appears to be that as well must trigger so much emotion. what i was attempting was a friendly caution for those who in the busyness of life may not have considered this particular point.
# i value the intimacy between parents and children and want to do what i can to help protect that – this was completely my motivation and my friend Zennie nailed it when she used the word ‘sacred’ [“remember that it’s ok to keep some moments private and sacred”] – i would possibly go a little stronger than “it’s ok” and say “i would strongly urge or encourage it” – it is great that we have social networks to help us connect with family and friends, especially those who are far away, but surely as parents there are some moments where you go – this is just for us! – and maybe you will share those with extended family and closer friends but ‘sorry general world and randoms, you don’t get to see this one’.
i was not trying to make a command or a law or absolute or anything like that and i do apologise for where any of the parents who read it thought i was telling you what to do or that you were bad parents for not doing so – i guess the closest experience where i do have credibility to talk is in my relationship with tbV [the beautiful Val] – i absolutely love sharing moments about her, my love for her, my amazement at her brilliance in her job, how she makes me laugh, beautiful pictures of her and so on… but believe me facebookworld you don’t get the half of all my moments with her – there is a whole lot of stuff that is just for me, for us and i am wanting to keep that just for us because then it does become a little bit sacred, it does help build intimacy and i’m sorry [i’m not] but some of that is just for the two of us… i just imagined, that having children, you might feel the same way about some of your most special and intimate moments.
i am probably with Brad on the bowel movements though…
So, parent friends of mine [and also those i might not know], speak to me and share your thoughts – i hope this explains what i was trying to say a little better than when it was just a status… also please know that i have SO MUCH incredible respect and amazement and love for anyone who is a parent – it is such a monumental task and i am deeply sad that others have felt the need to chime in and tell you what to do and how to live and how you could be better at it… all i ever intend to do with posts on parents and children is to celebrate and encourage and at times draw resources together from those who have walked that journey to in any way possible help make it that little bit easier. i don’t know how you do it. cheering you on from the sidelines for sure.
Candice and Terran and Julie and Zen and Lara and others, please DO NOT STOP posting the funny stories and special moments and milestones, because i do really enjoy a lot of those… but i hope you will consider keeping some of the best ones just for you as a gift or prize for having been such an amazing parent.
[a woman called Sarah Bessey, whose writing i really enjoy, wrote a piece very similiar to this but from a parent’s perspective, which you can read here]
[a woman called Sharon Greenthal wrote a very different perspectived post on a similiar topic titled ‘A Letter to Mommy Bloggers from a Mommy with Grown Kids’ which i highly recommend and which you can read here]
[to be continued in part II where i will share the feedback my original status received as i feel there are some valuable points in there to take and learn from…]
Thanks for linking to my post – people are very sensitive about their children (understandably so!) and if they interpreted your comment as disinterest in reading about their kids, I could see where they would get angry – but I agree, keeping some for yourself is always a good idea!
[…] the other day i posted this status on Facebook which i tried to clarify a little better in Part I of this post: […]
As a parent of 3 small children, I can tell you that there are many, many, many precious moments in the first several years. It would be a part-time job posting them on Facebook. If I posted one clever/funny/touching thing a day that just one of my 3 kids did, I promise that it would still seem like a lot. And not a lot. Depending on your perspective.
One wrinkle to add, if it hasn’t been mentioned: My firstborn is the first grandkid on both sides of the family. That means there were a flood of grandparents, aunts and uncles, parents, siblings, and family friends that suddenly wanted to keep up with what my progeny was doing. Even after other grandkids came along, the requests to be included/updated continue. There is no better way to publish yourself to those who care about you than social media.
If Facebook isn’t for sharing a part of your life (and that of your family) with others, of being connected to those who crave that connection, then what is it?
P.S.- (This is totally a friendly dig at you) Giant leg wounds and questionable dessert pictures are probably best kept “sacred”. My kids read my Facebook over my shoulder all the time!
Well said Steve. I might add that am a mother and a wife and while I may share things about my 2 year old, I rarely share anything about my husband (at his request that these things remain private). My guess is that as my daughter grows up I will end up sharing less and less about her as my sister has done with her teenagers, but at this point I like sharing my life with my friends and family on Facebook like you said.
I only got facebook after becoming a parent, and a big reason behind it was to easily share pictures and moments with family who are scattered near and far. Over the course of the last year though, I already have such mixed feelings about it – I think facebook is not the best medium for this kind of thing. And I hate the moment when my son does something hilarious/amazing/inspiring and while I’m in the middle of soaking it in, a little voice says “go post this on facebook!”
Exactly Alyssa. I think you get it. Similar vibe of people taking photos of things so much that they aren’t actually living the things they are capturing. Definitely feels like a balance question.