This is a tough one for me. i feel like i can probably get over whatever other friend-losing behaviours i share after this one, but this one just feels so incredible rude, that i would struggle.
Immediate downgrade to acquaintance or person-i-walk-away-from-quickly-when-i-see-you-heading-my-way feels fair. Does that seem too harsh? Maybe you’ve never known someone who does it.
i am thinking of one person in particular. Really nice person. Quality. And so a number of years ago we hung out for coffee because i thought she would be someone it would be nice to get to know better.
It happened once and i did an internal double-take, but dismissed it as an accident or a misreading on my part.
But then it happened again. And again. And once more. Crisis!
i was telling a story and halfway through each sentence, before i got to the point or the punchline or anything significant, she would respond… before the moment of response. Wait? You’re agreeing with me before i’ve given my point of view. You’re “I know!”ing and i haven’t even got to the part you might or might not know?
i imagine that if you’ve never had this happen to you, you may have no idea what i am talking about and great for you. If you do and have, you will be nodding your head vociferously and possibly letting out a long sigh.
If you are someone who does this, i don’t even imagine you know. Surely you can’t. It has to be just a really bad habit, right.
But it is a game changer for me. Because it shows that you are not listening to me. Which shows that you don’t care about what i’m saying or that you are not interested in what i am talking about.
So the skill you need to work on is listening. Listen better and it will make you a good friend. This is probably something all of us need to practice to different degrees and it can never hurt. And maybe if you are brave enough you will ask three of your friends how good a listener they think you are.
Is it just me? Or has anyone else out there also come into contact with an Early Responder? And how serious was it for you? Is this something you would ever tell someone they do?
[For the next part on planning an answer before they have finished talking, click here]
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Exactly! I have a friend who does this constantly and apologises while doing it so she knows exactly what she is doing but gets so excited about what she wants to say that she speaks over you. I love her dearly but it is annoying and does prevent any real closeness from happening.
Thanks for sharing. i imagine it’s that slight bit easier when the person knows because you can point it out, but also like you said that it does tend to keep intimacy at bay if the person doesn’t change.
This is a hard one for me because I think people sometimes do the ‘I know!’ or ‘me too’ to let you know that they ARE listening to you and encourage you to keep talking. There is nothing more off-putting to me than someone who just sits silently and let’s me talk. Are they bored? Do they even want to be here? Have I offended them? I appreciate the effort some of my friends make to assure me they are listening, even if it’s a little interruption into what I’m saying. I like to think I wouldn’t walk away from a friendship who makes that kind of effort.
I get that interrupting with something completely different is annoying though, but I think it’s worth considering whether they’re interrupting to encourage you and spur you on and make you think you ARE being listened too and focused on, or whether they’re just wanting to tell their own stories. I wouldn’t walk away from the former.
Thanks Emma, but I’m not sure you’re talking about the same thing as I am. Possibly because you have not experienced it before. I have only ever experienced it from one of two people so it is thankfully quite rare, or seems to be. I love it when people add in affirmation etc like you said, but I am specifically talking about when someone’s timing is off and the affirmation comes before I’ve finished making a point. So I might be saying, “Last night for dinner I had…” and the person I’m talking to jumps in with “Oh that’s amazing” before I’ve mentioned what I had, clearly showing their response was premeditated and not related to listening to what I was saying. Once off it might be s mistake but I am talking repeated behavior from the same person so I know whenever I talk to her she will do the same…
My friend does it everyday,the sad thing is,she is also my roommate.she never apologizes though I’ve told her severally, even when it’s pain am going through, she always acts like she knows better I opted to keep my stories to myself and tell people who would listen, I have also learnt to listen to her partially and stick to reading my novel or blogs each time I’m in the room.I might be moving out soon
Wow, that sounds like it has caused a lot of pain for you. Sorry to hear that. And hopefully you can find some people who will take you seriously and really care about what you have to say. It is always great if something like that can be resolved well, but it sounds like you have put a lot of effort into it and if moving out is the way forward then that is sad but perhaps good for you both.
These series has got me thinking if I may be someone who would not listen very well. But I think I don’t fall in the early responder type. I do say affirmations along the way to encourage the other person to keep talking and so he or she knows I am listening but truth is, there are times when my mind would already wander — and not even to form a response! But then that just happens when the story gets really long and complicated and boring.
When excited though I admit I catch myself wanting to jump into the conversation and express my views but that’s out of excitement. End is that me and whoever I’m excitedly talking to will be jumping over each other in the conversation.
Thanks for sharing. I think it’s good for us to be aware of these things and then be looking out for them in ourselves and hopefully not finding them. But also if we do to be able to work at getting better at them. I’m sure we all mess up from time to time but these are more habits that some people have all the time which is where it gets annoying or difficult. So as long as you are asking the question and checking yourself you are probably fine. But you can also maybe find a good friend you trust and ask them if they see any of these in you cos I also think sometimes we don’t realize what we do. Thanks for stopping by!
Love Brett fish
[…] far we’ve looked at the Early Responder and the Planner Aheader as two types of friends that should really look at upping their game, and […]