Continuing with the conversation about ‘How to be an Ally’ with my friend Alexa Matthews who has a huge heart for this kind of thing and the humility to understand that we are trying to figure it out as we go along:
I have sat with this for a little while – and was hoping to send it off before leaving South Africa for a holiday. I am still wrestling with whether I as a non-black person should be writing this. Simply as part of me knows that this is something that some days I get horribly wrong rather than just right.
Being an ally, for me, doesn’t mean simply choosing to mindlessly go along with the loudest voices shouting about what is happening in the black community – that is not being an ally.
It’s about being willing to listen, hear and acknowledge that on my own, or only surrounded by people who think like me I have an incomplete story or picture of what is happening in our country and being willing to hear why people think the way that they do – whether it is the same or different to me.
There are seemingly obvious ways of being allies to people who don’t look like me: Listen, hear, respect, honour, acknowledge and figure out how to do this so that it is appropriate to them, not just to me.
I think though, that a more pointed way of being an ally is to take on things in the community that looks like me, that sounds like me and that assumes that I will think like them.
It’s about calling out behaviours, conversations or interactions that aren’t honouring of the other.
It’s about being willing to be challenged to ask myself more pointed questions. It’s about having friends sit together and ask what is it that makes me uncomfortable about what is going on around me.
It’s about being willing to acknowledge my own fear, anger and frustration and being open to hearing uncomfortable feedback in return.
I am currently sitting in a (black) friends’ home – we are in the minority in the community where we are on holiday. Since being here, I have been struck be the confidence that the youth have in this community in particular. In the sense of being okay in who they are – regardless of their race and ethnicity and the way in which they have engaged with each other around it. I say this after listening to my younger friends who are still in school engage with their friends, after being in the school context for different things and seeing how people engage with each other at church.
My burning question is HOW did they get this right? The only thing that makes sense is that they had to push through the space of discomfort to form an “us who are different yet together” dialogue in this country.
I believe that it’s only when we can push through that space that we will get to a new sense of together, of being willing to share resources, of being willing to hear that while perceptually some of our lives are feeling challenged in new ways, that actually we are still the minority with a lot more than the majority – something which is research backed & not just the chanting of angry voices. Yes, there have been shifts, but how significant are these?
I believe that being an ally means that when these conversations emerge, that we don’t pushback by highlighting allegations of corruption or commenting on the up and coming black leaders in business or elsewhere- this isn’t just about a class thing, it’s about acknowledging the complexity of the issues and that we are willing to hear. Despite the reality of a strong emerging black middle and upper class, in South Africa, we still have a majority of black people whose life experiences are defined by race in a way that as non-black people are hard to comprehend.
This isn’t a single issue with a single solution – at times the complexity and size of it all feels overwhelmingly big.
At times I wish that I could bury my head in the sand and hide
At times I want to simply walk away from hearing this all.
Being an ally means that I don’t. It means that I have to learn to live in the tension of holding a space which might feel foreign to me, uncomfortable to me and still live life in a way which honours justice, mercy and humility.
Being a Christian ally in this means looking at the role that the church played in perpetuating differences, and still does in how we engage with each other.
As I said at the start of writing this, I am sitting with more questions than answers. These things that I know for sure are:
Being an ally is uncomfortable some days
Being an ally is more about what I allow in my own space when surrounded by people who look like me rather than just being the person who engages with people who don’t
Being an ally doesn’t mean I have to agree with everyone, it means that I have to be open to listen with an open heart and the possibility that I might not be right
Being an ally means that we are seeing complex issues that deserve more than simplified pushbacks.
Being an ally means being intentional.
Being an ally means being. Just that – rather than seeing this as some of kind of project for a select few.
Be an ally.
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Many whites say that blacks themselves are to blame for their own inequality. Do you think it’s true? About 400 years ago, before whites arrived, the blacks were living in the bush and did not even have the wheel. They say inequality was there before whites even arrived. So we can’t blame whites at all as black people have been helped a lot through the interaction of cultures. I spoke to a black guy from Uganda and he agreed with this. What do you think?
I don’t think it is particularly true or helpful. If we go back long enough all of us lived in the bush and didn’t even have the wheel. Now we all do. So what we choose to do now feels more important than the road we have taken to get here. When we did have resources we withheld them from black people and stole land and more and impacted on their education and opportunities and health and so we have a lot to make up for just from recent times.
But did we steal land from xhosa in Western Cape? We did from the other tribes, but nowadays xhosa who are also settlers claim that we stole land from them in the Western Cape. I think we need to not blame white people as much as many do.
How old are you bro? There was this little thing called apartheid a while back and beyond land it was humiliation and violence and missed opportunities and affected education and health and so much more. There is still a lot of reparation to do and even if I was not physically or practically involved in making it happen I certainly benefitted from it and so I have a role to play in seeing it gets sorted out as much as possible. There is a long road of healing ahead and we have to choose to get on it no matter how personally uncomfortable it may make us.
On the radio the other day they put forward a question. Would you rather have a year off with pay, or a year of double work with double pay. Most blacks chose the year off. Most whites chose the double work, double pay. It shows you why whites are ahead. Work ethic!
This is just such a loaded statement and proves nothing. What radio station? How many people? What was the work situation and background of the people who phoned in? And thirty more questions. I know a lot of lazy white people who just love to coast and I know a lot of crazy-hard-working black people who put me to shame. I don’t suspect the colour of either one determines their attitude but rather 100 different factors.
I’m 32. Is rather not have to pay for other people having too many kids don’t you think?
I’m not sure what you mean, but in pretty sure the sentence you meant to start with was, “I’m not a racist, but…” which usually is an indication that you are…
The best way forward is to have the Western Cape as its own country. Europeans have more ancestral claim to it than xhosa or Zulu. We don’t want etolls or ANC rule here. You know it would be best. Why did you skip around the fact that we did not steal xhosa or Zulu land on Western Cape. If you really look at it, xhosa and Zulu were living in the eastern Cape and natal. Today they still live there. So tell me where land was stolen. I’m all for sorting problems out but we really can only do that once we know history. I shall not take blame for something I did not do. Going further, Europeans brought a lot of advances to xhosa and Zulu. They should also think us.
Sheldon, I don’t feel like you are open to learning or really knowing the answers to your questions so I don’t think I’m going to engage further with you. District Six – heard of it? – is just one example of land that was stolen when people of colour were pushed out but it happened everywhere. You are picking one specific aspect but not touching on education, jobs, violence, opportunity and more and your mindset and attitude is not helpful. Make some friends of colour and ask them to share their stories with you and then maybe you will stop talking about “us” and “them” from a point of privilege and superiority. This needs to happen guy. Your kind of thinking is no longer welcome in these parts.
Both races must stop passing blame. We are where we are for many many many reasons! Blacks were primitive in the old days agreed, but they were not as innocent as people make out, and neither were our ancestors. We must focus on the now. At this point, there are many whites who have privilege (education, inheritance in some cases) and also many blacks who do (ANC elite, BEE, AA, empowerment).
Thanks Ruth but i do think there is a huge difference between ‘passing blame’ and accepting responsibility – which is why i don’t carry any white guilt but i do feel conviction [that there is so much more to be done] and because white people have benefitted from an unjust system for so long we do need to do most of the moving towards for the foreseeable future…
I will not take any blame or accept any responsibility. It is my choice whether I help or not. Its not my duty just as much as its not the duty of a black person to help me. It comes down to choice.
White people were at an advantage from the very beginning of colonialism in SA. From there on, its been a yoyo ride of up and down, resource management and other systems put in place as duct tape to fix things which did not work.
What exactly should we help with? Money, time, education? Or how about black people from rural areas live their happy lives there growing crops? Whites in cities and the rural areas do the same? In other words, what is the driving factor? Money? housing? huts? kraals, garages, clothing, beads, straight hair, natural hair, english, xhosa… so many things to aim for – maybe they need to decide what they want. Can’t say it was a utopia before white people and then desire what whites have. The driving motivational factor is what exactly? bigger house, cars? kraal, cows? People must make up their minds.
How exactly have white people benefitted? Blacks are very wealthy as they have vast lands in Eastern Cape.
I have no idea why racist people visit my blog. You will just be angered by the kind of things I write here. I do suspect you probably don’t think you are though. As long as “us” vs “them” language dominates your mindset there is not a lot of hope and I am a really hopeful person. Make some friends from other races – ones you see as equals and not beneath you – then maybe your heart will start to stir and you will start fighting and living for people and friends and not so much just talking about “issues”.
Don’t you talk about “us” and “them” all the time? Just a thought.
Not in an unconnected ‘Us’ is better than ‘them’ kind of way that i see in people like you and Sheldon and others who use language to try and insinuate one group is better than another and that they are disconnected. Because i am writing about issues of race and creating spaces for people to speak into it, there has to at times be a clarification for that reason to help us get somewhere, but i have incredible friends like Nkosi, Sindile and Felicity to name three who are helping guide and teach me and i don’t think of them on any kind of lesser scale than i think of myself and other white people. As we build deeper relationships with people who are not like us then we start to see [hopefully] a stronger sense of what we have in common rather than what separates us. It is the “Us” vs “them” of condescension that i have no time for in an ongoing conversation…
Why call it non-black? As if black is the standard. Same as people saying non-white. I really think this white privilege nonsense further divides. I have a few friends of all races and whenever it comes up, it makes things uncomfortable. If people mention anything at all to do with race, bee, AA, apartheid it creates a bad vibe. Please stop focusing on negative things. Please put up some great posts of people of all races going great things together.
Nathan, if you’ve spent any time on this blog you will know I often share stories of hope and togetherness and unity. The point with Alexa using non-black was I imagine to get people thinking about the language we use because too long it has been the language of non-white as if white has been the standard which is the way the general media, fashion, movies, advertising has been playing out that story for years. It is uncomfortable and because of that we need to push through and face it – simply ignoring it or pretending it isn’t there doesn’t do anything constructive to tear it down or transform. White people want an easy and comfortable and quick solution but we need to be alert to the possibility that this time that doesn’t exist for us. I encourage you to engage with these things because they are so necessary and valuable.
Are you saying we must be alert because the blacks might do something nasty to us? Please explain. Is this why you helping so thst we dont get murdered?
Nathan, spend some time reading up on the South Africa tab on this blog. I haven’t suggested anything of the sort. What I am saying is we need to be doing it because it’s the right thing to do. It is 20 years after apartheid vibes but the legacy and consequences live on and it is up to all of us to fight the wrongs of the past so that we can find better equality and fairness in the present and future. It is a great time to be alive with so much opportunity and I am not putting “white guilt” on anyone but I am pointing out our responsibility in this. I certainly benefitted from the negatives of the past as did most white people in South Africa if not all. So it is up to us to build bridges and extend the hand of friendship and to sacrifice and be uncomfortable and put some hard work in where necessary.
How much work are you suggesting? Years?
Whatever it takes. But looking at the disparity between rich and poor in this country it will probably be years, although more likely a lifetime. What a great opportunity to be a part of something so significantly good.
I’m wondering – based on these questions above – if it might not be helpful to look at the questions….
What is racism actually?
Is it possible to look at people through “racist eyes” but still be a good person?
Could I be contributing to racist systems in my country and not even realise it?
Why is it so important to talk about racism and white privilege?
What are we doing to our black friends when we whites don’t want to talk about negative stuff like race and privilege?
Why should we even want to be an Ally?
What does God think when we judge a person by their skin colour?
What does God think about the huge riches and insane poverty that is in our country?
What does this mean for is a Jesus loving people?
[…] Part 3: On being a non-black Ally in Africa [guest post by Alexa Matthews] […]