the question of anger

What do we do with anger on the internet?

It’s five days later and i have found writing part II of this anger piece pretty difficult. Part I dealt with Jesus and His take on anger and violence which was, in essence, a book study, and so pretty straightforward – this is what i read, this is how i interpret it… while now we are talking about people and a thousand of them so different opinions and nuance and context and response to anything i might think or say about it and suddenly it gets quite complex quite quickly.

Also the truth is that i already wrote part II and then got some friends to critique it and then rescinded it to the draft file, if that’s even the right term – draft file? Yes, i think it is…

The point being this anger stuff is tricky stuff, yo.

Maybe we need more anger

Yesterday i made my first ever Facebook Live video [look at me being all old dog new tricksy and all] in which i spoke about some of the colonialist/apartheid statues in Cape Town and how offensive/hurtful they were to some people, as well as touching on the old South African flag which had been seen [and challenged] on the room key rings of a Bed and Breakfast in Stellenbosch…

And i noticed an interesting thing.

Black people calmly explaining how hurtful the statues and the flag were to them. White people telling me to ‘get over it’ because they are just things and important reminders of the past and we can’t just destroy all the reminders of the past.

Yes, not all black people, and not all white people, but it never is, is it? And that doesn’t really matter, does it?

My response though was, ‘How are my black friends staying so calm?’ or maybe more importantly, ‘Why are my black friends staying so calm?’ Some people have basically jumped on here and told them to ‘Get over their pain and move on!’

And this is nothing new.

It started with Ian Ollis, who is one of the only two politicians who came to mind when i was thinking about writing/speaking about statues and so i tagged him in it and – as an elected official representing the DA – he responded with this:

‘I’m not in favour of wholesale removals of historical references. You don’t learn anything from history by tucking it away somewhere. Most statues of politicians will offend someone. A statue of Robert Mugabe, for example, would offend me, but it should remain as a talking point for future generations.’

Well, of course not Ian, these statues don’t affect you at all.

One of my friends responded with a comment that leaving the statues up is like having a picture of your rapist next to your bed. Wow. Hectic. Next level. Which white people don’t get. BECAUSE IT NEVER MEANT THAT FOR US!!!!

Cue more white people jumping in and trying to explain it all away.

Yet, with a comment containing so much emotion – including deep anger and hurt – there was a sense of it being calmly presented on Facebook [probably so as not to too badly upset the white people who thought differently] – which i totally don’t get. When people have a history like they do and are confronted by people who respond with a ‘just get over it already’ mentality, then maybe that makes anger a whole lot more understandable, and perhaps necessary?

What can we learn from the Germans?

On a side note, which is also kinda not a side note, but supremely relevant, another friend shared this with me:

Google this German word:

“Vergangenheitsbewaltigung”

It is a concept that literally and specifically means reckoning with the past. It is the way Germany devised of never forgetting the horrors of Nazism and of honoring those who died at their hands. (No Nazi monuments; various small means of recognizing Jewish victims all over towns and cities – ask me for examples.)

So i googled the word and sure enough it has its own Wikipedia page which provides some fascinating reading so go check it out, but the line that jumped out at me was this:

‘This includes honestly admitting that such a past did indeed exist, attempting to remedy as far as possible the wrongs committed, and attempting to move on from that past.’ [Wikipedia entry]

Aha! There you have it, Brett. You just contradicted yourself. Look right there – it says ‘Move on from that past.’

True. But it also says ‘honestly admitting that such a past did indeed exist’ [which a lot of people have done although we still struggle to find anyone who actively took part in apartheid and will say so] and more importantly says ‘attempting to remedy as far as possible the wrongs committed’ which is where i believe you will find we did not score so well… which is why 20 plus years later, there is still a lot of work to be done [not because it necessarily should take 20 plus years to do all this work – although given that it took hundreds of years to create the mess with colonisation bleeding into apartheid, so maybe – but because in many ways we never got started at all].

They say ‘White men can’t jump’ but we certainly seem to be eager to get from ‘honestly admitting that such a past did indeed exist’ to ‘attempting to move on from that past’ without too many steps in between.

Different rules for different folks?

So this really is the crunch, because as a white person i definitely feel as if some people [typically black and coloured people because when it comes to race conversations i don’t know that white people have much to be legitimately angry about and so i have a lot less time for that] are too angry on social media.

But then i read a comment like Claudia’s that compares a statue to a photo of a rapist and have to wonder why i don’t see more anger. If that is the level of comparison – which is impossible for me as a white person to ‘get’ [i can empathise and try to understand from my perspective, but i can never experientially understand or even come close] – then do i really have a right to tell people to anger down, or even wish it in my brain space.

i think where online anger feels the most unfortunate for me is when it seems to be the cause for people refusing to engage any further. 

My friend Bruce sums that up: I have walked away from a lot of stuff online with which I would have engaged vigorously face to face.

But then my friend Ashley had this to say: Perhaps people are more honest online. I think so. Face to face is often dominated by the most extroverted personalities.

And so it all just gets all the more complicated again [thanks a lot, Ashley!]

But maybe that is where the answer lies. Or maybe there actually is no ‘answer’ and it is a day to day wrestling with how i respond to anger online. Given the past of our country and given its volatile present, can i afford to walk away from engagement around race things because my feelings have been hurt? What if they have been really hurt, like a lot? Then is it okay?

Dear White People

As a white person, i think there need to be different rules for engagement when it comes to anger online. We definitely need to be listening a whole lot more than we do, even those of us who think we listen a lot. My friend Jacqui seems to get this one right a lot and i welcome her input often on posts where i am getting emotional and she steps in and asks gentle questions to try and understand and see both sides and become aware of what pain and motivation and experience is being expressed.

Why is this anger here? More than judging the anger itself. Maybe there is a case for the anger being too angry or too personal or too violent, but figuring out where it comes from and trying to understand that goes a long way to engaging further.

White Fragility is a thing – the tendency for white people to get defensive and leave the conversation when it gets ‘too difficult’, ‘too emotional’, ‘too angry’ or ‘too personal’. We have to push past that.

White tears is a thing – the tendency for a white person to cry [might be forced but also might be a natural thing] and then become the center of attention once again. The ability to allow something horrendous that has happened to another person to make you center of attention is something that needs to be seriously looked at. If something genuinely moves you to tears, that is okay, that is good, but find a way for that not to become main stage. Stop making it all about you. Something white people [myself included] need to get better at.

White people listening without responding is not a thing. Well, it’s hardly a thing. Well it’s rare, is what i am saying. Anytime i post a status asking for feedback only from my black, coloured and indian friends the race is on to see how many comments before a white person jumps on – usually with a disclaimer about why they ‘had’ to – but it’s beyond a joke. We struggle to not be contributors. [He wrote in his contributing blog piece – THIS IS DIFFERENT! Somehow…]

White people listening to anger – even anger we feel is unjustified or has crossed the line [plot twist: there is no line – well, no measurable one anyway] – needs to happen more. Just listen and try and see or hear or understand why or where it is coming from or if there actually might be something you need to do or say or think differently in there.

Oh and i almost forgot, Whitesplaining is a thing – Described as ‘The paternalistic lecture given by Whites toward a person of color defining what should and shouldn’t be considered racist, while obliviously exhibiting their own racism.’ And if you are white and reading this far then maybe stop right now and go and read this piece on whitesplaining because it is really super helpful.

Now take a moment to think about your comments about the statues.

Take a moment and think about your comments about the old South African flag.

Think about any time you have spoken and the ring of what you are saying has a melody that goes something like ‘Can we just move on and stop talking about this stuff, please.’ 

Policing black anger and pain is a thing. The tendency for a person to tell another person how angry they are allowed to be about something you have no experience of. Just as white people tend to have the privilege to choose to have conversations about race and stop having them when we get tired, there are many people who live those conversations and don’t get to turn them off. We don’t get that, i really don’t think we do. Because we haven’t lived it and so we assume other people’s experiences are the same as ours when it comes to race.

When all you’ve known is privilege, then equality feels like oppression. This is one for us white folks to reflect on and let mellow a bit, like the yellow liquid in our toilets. Can you say that our loud? Come on, if you’re in an office space, jump up and Jerry Maguire the crap out of it. i double dare you.

But more seriously, just repeat the words to yourself, even in your head. If all i have known is privilege, then equality will feel like oppression. Let it sink in. Ask yourself where in your life that is true [instead of just nodding and thinking ‘this is a great point for someone else to hear!’]

And some more stuff… this piece started out as a response to a friend who asked me to comment on this:

What I can’t deal with is the petty, vengeful, self serving anger that I’m seeing a lot of here on Facebook. But I dare not confront anyone about it because then I’m “tone policing” or dismissing things like “black femme rage.”

I’m left feeling a bit helpless and slightly confused over how to handle everyone’s anger. And there’s so much of it

That blog piece still exists in my draft file, but after five days of reflecting on it and asking a few friends for feedback [Thanks Sam and Marlyn] this is the piece that emerged. Maybe it’s not okay that a black person in a race engagement group on Facebook repeatedly calls a white person who is trying to engage, ‘Bitch!’ repeatedly and just keeps on going off at her in an online attack that feels quite violent… but maybe even in the extremes of that, there is a space for me to be asking, ‘How does someone get there?’ ‘How strong is this anger and what has laid the foundations for is?’ ‘How do we create a world where that doesn’t feel like the necessary go to?’ rather than simply blanketly condemning it or trying to calm it down? Maybe.

As i said, this is tricky stuff and this post is not definitive by any way, shape or form. As a white person my primary concern needs to be policing myself in these areas and then perhaps other white people, while pursuing deeper relationships with people who don’t look like me and really trying to hear their stories and try and not to add to the pain and the anger in them.

i would love to hear your thoughts on this stuff, especially if as a white person, some kind of light bulb went on in any way while you were reading it.

There is much work to be done.

[If you’re interested in the easier part of this conversation on Jesus, violence and anger, click here]

[For an interesting article on anger, titled ‘The Politics of Anger in an Angry World’ by Jo-Ansie van Wyk, click here]