at a time when my blog has been getting hectically serious and argumentative, i think it’s time to toss in some humourousnessityalism:

Firstly some David Robertson:

“If you’re singing in a wedding, I don’t think it’s fair to make you stop just because the bride and groom don’t know who you are.”

“If I got to choose for one entire race to be completely wiped off the face of the earth, I would probably go with the hundred yard dash.”

“I don’t think anyone should ever get an “A” for effort. How about an “E” for effort. That’s all you get.”

“Some people think most UFO sightings are actually weather balloons, but I don’t believe in weather balloons.”

“My friend’s little sister arranged the thumb tacks on a cork board to form a smiley face. Some people told her it was cute, but I thought it was boring and unnecessary.”

and my favourite “I don’t think I could ever have respect for someone who calls pants “drawers”. They’re confusing pants with the place that you put pants.”

followed by a sprinkling of classique metaphor:

‘The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.’

‘Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.’

‘John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.’

‘He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.’

‘The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.’

and of course, ending off with a little Jack Handey:

“One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn’t know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.”

“I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said I thought he was nice, that he just didn’t know how to show it. The meanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy who lived in the big white house. “THAT’S MISTER SWENSON,” they said. Oh, my mistake.”

“Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That’s called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.”

“When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can’t think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.”

“Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, “Aw, who cares?” And then I think, “Hey, what’s for supper?””

“Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.”

“I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!”