i got this email from a friend of mine and because it covers a bunch of relevant issues with regards to christians dating i asked her if she minded if i shared it and answered – or tried to – some of them publically – i will include just the email here and the reply in the following linked blog…
How are you doing?
Just warning you in advance, this is quite a long email – (sorry) just kept typing, couldn’t stop.
I’ve been reading a number of your blogs. They’re quite interesting. So I thought I might start commenting and sharing my thoughts on them. Its the best way for me to get something from them and to learn from them.
So the latest one I’ve read is on dating entitled ” I kissed dating , part one ??”
Let me first give a bit of background on where I am coming from as I read this.
I am now 23 and have been a christian for all these years. I am happy and love my God (with all my heart!)
One of my main issues that I have with dating in the church is that instead of discussing at why people shouldn’t date non-christians, maybe we should look at why they do? What is it about dating in the church that is driving people to look elsewhere for partners?
Here’s my take on it. I think that people in the church, especially boys, want to date the perfect girl. and so they are looking for this one perfect person. There is no freedom to date someone, without the intention to marry them because then why on earth are you doing it? I read the book ‘ boy meets girl ‘, which is very similar to I kissed dating goodbye. – very radical views on dating. (I won’t comment on that now)
I have never been asked out or have had any boy at church show interest, although I have been told how amazing I am and how lucky any guy would be to date me, just not them. I’m not what they are looking for. Ok fair enough, I can’t force someone to like me. But if Jesus is my number one and that is the main and most important thing, clearly there must be some other factor to me being excluded. .
Then you look at the girls who are dating. Just have a look around in churches and think about it. I’ve actually heard a sermon being preached on dating, where the pastor said that we should make ourselves attractive for the opposite sex. At one point he basically said ” so you girls who are slightly overweight, don’t be too upset if you’re not dating” . HUH?? Did I miss something? I’m a healthy size, but should I be moving towards size 0?
Maybe its because of my race. Its true. Maybe I am being excluded because I’m just the black girl, and instead of taking the time to get to know me and thinking of the fact that we actually have a lot more in common than differences, I am again sidelined.
Basically it feels like the message I am getting from my christian brothers is that I’m not good enough. I’m not perfect. Yes God is my number one, and yes I am smart and doing something with my life (not just waiting around for mr right!). But its just not enough. Please don’t think that I am seeking validation and placing my self worth in what I do or don’t receive from these boys. I’m passed that, and I know better than to do that. But in the context of dating, it sends out quite a message.
So now what happens is I meet a really nice guy, who sees me as and values and appreciates me, but sadly he’s not a christian, so I politely decline him because I’m waiting for “the one”.
But then I think of all my christian friends who are 35 and single, because they have been praying and waiting. And they love their God and they are beautiful women. But because they don’t fit the “perfect Christian girl criteria” – which whether you choose to believe it or not does exist, they have never been married, and for some of them, never dated!
So Brett, I acknowledge your sentiments when you say that God is the most important person in any relationship. But there are a growing number of people, girls especially who are growing tired of facing rejection from people who should see past all the superficial things that you would expect from secular people. But we are seeing the reverse We are finding more acceptance from society and not from christians.
And that’s the problem. And that’s why girls are dating outside the church. Because we are tired of being reminded that we aren’t worth it!
Your comments ???
P.S – I am still single. I haven’t dated anyone, although I turned down a few offers (all from non-christians). I’m praying for my husband. I want a family and children so much, and I know that those are desires that God has placed on my heart, but wow this is hard !