My name is brett “Fish” anderson and i am ashamed it took me so long to get here.

A BIT OF MY JOURNEY

i didn’t grow up in a particulary racist family, in fact if anything, my parents taught us to view all people as equal and deserving of love and respect.

i was very fortunate during my time at college to be engaged in race conversations through the lens of the Student Christian Association [The Student Christian Organisation had split into four parts during apartheid and S.C.A. [white] and S.C.M. [black] began fresh conversation while i was at college and finally reunited the year after i left and became one united group.

i was also really involved in Scripture Union camps, holiday clubs, beach missions and more throughout my high school career but especially afterwards, which despite being the end of the eighties and early nineties always meant a really diverse racial mix of leaders and so getting to know incredible people from other races and just seeing them as incredible people was a natural part of my life.

But we were not raised with any kind of political understanding or conversation at all and so i was never overtly taught to question or challenge systems or structures and to be honest didn’t quite know a lot of what was going on in South Africa at all. The first time i think i heard the name ‘Nelson Mandela’ was in my matric year.

And, to be absolutely honest, it took me leaving the country and spending three years in Americaland and observing some of their complicated race conversation as an outsider, to really bring me to the place where i realised this HAD to be something i was invested in when we came home.

They call it being ‘woke’ and although i still have a long way to go, i look back to my time in Oakland, California, as the time when i was brought to the place of being woke.

A CONFESSION

That would be roughly three years ago. And i am now technically 42 years old [i say technically because i completely believe that age is just a number – i’m certainly not that old for reals – but i have had that many years to get it] and my shame is that it took me so        long to get to this point.

i just started reading Desmond Tutu’s book, ‘No Future without Forgiveness’. Perhaps what needs to be added to that is No Forgiveness without Repentance. Because how can i possibly ever truly move on, change and be transformed, if i have never taken a moment to look back and be broken by the fact that it took me so long to get here?

People throw the phrase ‘white guilt’ at me all the time. “Why are you trying to make me carry white guilt?”  My answer to that is a quick and easy one. i don’t believe in white guilt. i don’t think it’s necessary and i really don’t think it’s helpful. i mean perhaps if you were someone who was directly living out your racism towards black people during apartheid, then there is something to feel guilty about and you need to go and sort that out. But even as i write this, i am thinking of the systems and structures that were put in place [and in many instances continue] to lift whiteness and suppress everything else. Maybe my shame at taking so long to get here means there is some guilt associated with not seeing or knowing or moving towards the point of wokeness sooner. That is something i need to think about… But, what i will say, is that where i have not seen the need for ‘white guilt’ i have certainly seen the absolute necessity and critical need for White Responsibility. That is the concept that i will cling to and hold as a banner for others to see and hopefully come and gather under as we try together to figure out how to move forwards well here.

What if you as someone born after 1994 had no direct part in anything that happened before and are just wanting to see people living together as a united South Africa in every type of way?

What if you come across someone who has fallen into a hole in the ground? You had nothing to do with it and so it really isn’t your issue and you don’t need to confess or repent or feel bad or carry guilt. But the moment you leave them in the hole, all of that is on you. Responsibility over guilt. [Although perhaps sometime there is room for both, especially if your parents helped dig the hole].

SOUTH AFRICA 2016

My name is brett “Fish” anderson and i am ashamed it took me so long to get here.

i can’t change that. i can’t go back in time and ‘get’ it any time sooner. That’s my story. That’s my baggage. That’s what i need to own. But perhaps i can help others to take a step closer towards getting it. Perhaps i can be a part of looking at systems and structures and seeing if anything can be done to redress a messed up system and imbalance that we find ourselves in. Perhaps this blog can be one place where we send out a call and see who responds.

i was in a meeting this morning when a friend of mine, Caroline Powell, said that one of the aspects of Repentance we need to be aware of is that for so many people it took violence in some form [so the burning of the paintings or cars or buildings for example] to get so many of us [who absolutely hate violence and are against it in every way] to the table. It took the very thing we are against to happen in our faces before we became aware of the issues. And were prepared to step towards them… That is fortunately not my personal story, but as we’ve seen an increase in people coming to the table in recent months, perhaps it is yours? And it is an area we need to repent over.

The question that has come again and again in the light of the various recent burning incidents at universities when white people have suddenly been up in arms is, “Where were your arms when I was living in the violence of an apartheid-designed poverty-enduced system of violence that is what we see in Khayelitsha and Manenberg and so on?” 

Because the conclusion that is drawn is: a painting [you know nothing about and cared nothing for until you saw it on fire] is worth more than my life.

A painting [you knew nothing about and cared nothing for until you saw it on fire] is worth more than my family’s life.

We saw this when Cecil the Lion was killed and Social Media went berzerk. 

The conclusion i heard drawn from that was: an animal [you know nothing about and cared nothing for until you saw it in a shared Facebook post] is worth more than my life.

An animal [you knew nothing about and cared nothing for until you saw it shared in a tweet] is worth more than my children’s lives.

TO. OUR. SHAME. 

To my shame.

GUILT vs CONVICTION

Let me finish by saying this is why i haven’t liked the idea of ‘white guilt’.

i contrast the ideas of Guilt and Conviction.

Both Guilt and Conviction make you feel bad about something you’ve done. They both are experienced the same way in terms of feeling.

What Guilt tends to do though it paralyse you, whereas Conviction tends to move you to action.

Guilt makes you feel bad and “Woe is me” and “How could i have done such a thing?” and “There’s no hope for me”

Whereas Conviction sounds more like, “What can i do to make things better?” or “How can i be a part of fixing this?” and a lot like Active Listening [and research] so that i can understand much better how i got to this point and what needs to be done to help move everyone on.

Conviction [and the associated Responsiblity] is so much more helpful and productive than guilt. Don’t waste time and energy feeling guilty. Be convicted to transform!

THE WAY FORWARD

There are many ways forward and organisations, individuals and groups doing different things to help. This morning i was in a meeting of church-related people looking at how we can collaborate and co-ordinate our efforts so that it is easy for people trying to step forwards to find the places that make that easier. My wife Val heads up Common Change which hosts a creative way of being able to explore restitution through Generosity and Relationships; my friend Megan Furniss and i have created a workshop that can be taken into businesses to help people get to the point where they are ready to start talking about the Elephant of Race that is often in the room; The Warehouse is facilitating many helpful conversations and activities; www.engagesomemore.co.za is a basic website that has been setup [that could really use a graphic designer with some free time] to bring together a lot of the articles, podcasts, ideas and books that will help us engage more deeply on these issues; Johan van der Merwe and Un-Fence have some exciting strategies they are working out; Fusion and Jou Ma Se Kombuis are hosting once a month ‘Unsung Heroes’ viewings and conversations in Manenberg… and so much more.

One of the things i am most excited about is looking at putting together a Resource for the Deep Dive Dinner Conversations tbV and i have been hosting [which a lot of people have recently been asking about and which we hope to see happen on a larger church scale sometime soon] and so we will hopefully jump on to that soon.

To close off, my name is brett “Fish” anderson and i am ashamed it took me so long to get here, but i am NOT going to let ‘slowness in getting here’ define me for the rest of my story. i am here now and there is work to be done. There is a new nation to be birthed. And that is a piece of history that i want to be sitting on the right side of when it has happened and is on the way to slowly becoming a more distant memory…