…is possibly one of the most untruthful sentences we can utter. In fact the word “but” following the phrase “I’m not racist” is pretty much always a strong indicator that the very next thing said is going to reek of racism.

This post is in response to the status that Matthew Theunissen posted on Facebook the other day in response to the announcement by Fikile Mbalula’s ban on South African sports associations hosting major international events. In his defence [as in Matthew trying to defend himself, certainly not me trying to defend him] he deleted it almost straight away when he regretted what he had written, but someone had already captured a screen shot and BOOM!

i think one of the problems white South Africans have with racism is the picture at the top, which i completely get [children and all], but at the same time, i think we HAVE to rather look at this picture:

racist slur

We need to see the words. We need to hear how they sound in our mind. Otherwise this incident will be nowhere near as offensive as it has to be to those of us who have actively stepped away from this kind of thought and are trying to live better. Don’t fool yourselves, South Africa, this is NOT just a moment of “I was angry and these words mysteriously appeared” – these are symptoms of a far deeper disease.

In an interview with John Maytham on Cape Talk, which you can listen to here, Matt says that it was “the biggest mistake of his life”, but having listened to the “apology” i was not convinced in the slightest.

My status on Facebook which includes some quotes from the interview, read like this:

Just listened to Matt Theunissen on the radio chatting to John Maytham.

“I didn’t intend to say those words.”

“To be honest with you John, this isn’t the type of person that I am. If you speak to my friends/family etc they will tell you that I’m not racist at all.”

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

This is not an isolated phrase or “mistake i’ll regret for the rest of my life” – this comes from a place.

“I shouldn’t have used those words” – i don’t think that’s the problem. The problem is you think and believe those words and at some point – due to anger – those words find their way on to a screen through your fingers.

“I’m sorry for using hurtful language” – again, that is not the key issue.

i’m not convinced he comes close to getting it.

We have a very long way to go.

Start with the words, “I am a racist”, Matt and work forwards from there.

As am i. i think i’m getting better at being less of a racist, but i grew up in a society that encouraged racism and there is a lot of it in me – in thoughts, actions and possibly even words.

This has to begin at a place of: I am a recovering racist…

Ai.

If you get to the point of writing it down, that shows you’ve been thinking it. There is absolutely no way you will sit at a keyboard and write a statement like that which is completely unreflective of what you think and who you are simply because you were angry. He was angry for sure [you know how important sport is in the bigger picture of life and all] and that pulled things that were already there out and put them on to the screen.

i loved how John Maytham, after the “ask anyone if i’m racist” line, said to Matthew, “Do you think they will say that now?” 

How do you go from “I’ve never been more proud to say” to “This is the biggest mistake of my life.” You meant it, Matthew. Own up to that. I am riddled with a disease and I need to change.

This was this morning’s Facebook status:

My name is brett “Fish” anderson and as much as it pains me to say it, i am a recovering racist. Busy with the process of UNLEARNing. How could i not be a racist when i grew up in a society bent on teaching me to be one? So grateful for all my friends of colour who have been helpful in the unlearning process and continue to show me grace and patience even as i stumble my way towards recovery.

As someone who has actively been trying to listen and learn and read up and host conversations and challenge people on these things, the last thing i want to admit is that i am racist. “Of course i’m not, look at everything i’m doing…” But i am. i recognise it in myself, if not daily then regularly enough to make me cringe and hope no-one sees or knows. And while it’s never been the ‘k’ or the ‘c’ word for me, that doesn’t make it any more okay. Perhaps the more subtle, mostly unnoticeable, hints of racist behaviour, thought and action are even worse sometimes, because they sneak by unchallenged…

But i did grow up in a society that was completely focused on raising whiteness and stomping on blackness and everything around me was created with conditioning my thoughts, words and actions in mind. My education fed me a daily dose, the media blasted out the lies disguised as truth and norms and i would be some kind of superhuman creature if i made it through all of that unaffected.

i am so sick and tired of white people jumping on and defending things like R100 000 tips for a white waitress while pretending it has nothing to do with race. i am tired of the same white voices – some who i really used to respect – jumping on and being defensive and dismissive and making excuses or misdirecting the whole conversation to Zuma and so on.

Stand with me in front of the mirror, white South Africa. Time is running out. Purge yourselves. And then maybe we can stand together against the Matt Theunissen’s and others who aren’t racist, but… 

Knowing the truth, that when you utter the words, “I’m not racist, but…” it is usually a spotlight on to the very fact, that you are indeed a racist butt!