i don’t get it, you know…

i really don’t understand

how day in, day out

you seem to make everything about you

and by doing that you lose sight of

everything that this thing could have brought to you

in terms of helping you grow, to learn, to change

to unlearn, to discern, to know and finally understand

 

[breathe.]

 

it’s as if by making it about you

you completely make it not about you at all

the “generalisation”, the “judgement”, the “stereotype”

you rail against

the “not all” and the “all” that you throw back

as darts intended to deflect

so you don’t have to reflect

or even dare to genuflect

in any way that might bring you a little closer to the truth

that the one stopping progress from happening is you

and you can’t see this

and you don’t see this

and you won’t see this

because you are facing the back end of the mirror

and missing out on everything it could be

holding up for you

 

why do you do this?

it’s as if you knew this

would be a way of bubble wrapping yourself

into a padded and protected cell

“because if i am behind strong walls

then i will be protected from all and any pain”

you may be right.

 

but know this:

if it’s pain you have protected yourself from

in your little cocoon of self-focused obsession

it is not that you have saved yourself from harm

but quite the opposite

notice that?

that catch in your breath?

that moment of gasp?

as if you’re reaching for air?

as if there’s something not there?

as if you really should care

that all the good is out there

while you stay locked into

this prison of your own creation

all growth,

are you sensing suffocation?

all life,

maybe a sense of expiration?

all us,

will you continue this duration?

all.

 

so i will continue not to understand

why you feel this dire need to make this stand

of defence

behind your fence

but rather i will extend an open hand

and hope by now you’ve found some sense

and realised that the best form of defence

is to go outside and de-fence

to break down not the people who have been trying to help you out

but the barriers that you have been raising in your doubt

to fight against that which would keep things the same

fearing that a complete honesty from you

might bring shame

against your name

might reveal the true nature of the comfort and entitlement

that you have been desperate to hold on to

knowing that if you ever came to the conclusion

that “this is not okay” for them

then “this would not be okay” for you

and that for them to take a step forward

might need to mean for you to take a step down

and give up some of the excesses your fingernails are

digging themselves into in a desperate attempt

to not see them taken away

will you lose it all?

that is the fear that seems to seize this day

 

and to be completely honest

i. don’t. know.

 

i don’t understand if taking one step towards

will lead to the expectation

of a loosening of all the cords

of an emptying of all accounts

of a mad frenzied driven rush into the sea

of setting up house under a bridge

of playing a nightly game of russian roulette

as you venture out into the darkness

just so you can find some much needed relief

i don’t know if that is their belief

 

but i do know

that’s the way this will go

if we refuse to de-fence

step out

reach out

step towards

listen, hear and try to understand

meet up with an open hand

get creative with our conversations

demonstrative with negotiations

[maybe even give up some vacations?]

be prepared to let go of excess

for the sake of access

work towards mutual success

then perhaps

just maybe we will have a chance

 

i don’t quite know how this will all work out

but i am quite sure how this won’t work out

and so i‘ve said my piece

and turn to leave

but as i leave

i leave,

this pair of pliers

as an invitation

to you

to step up

and step out

and dis-rage

and engage

but most of all

to free yourself

for what might be.