So what should we men do with #MeToo : Brett Fish

It’s been a week of #MeToo tags and stories and commentaries all over social media. i hope men have taken note as a lot of the sharing and commenting has been done by women. i hope that enough men have read my The Invisible Men post and started to think about who these men are that are doing these things that so many women have voiced. While many others have been unable to voice.

i don’t want to believe that men don’t get it – i want to believe another post like this is unnecesary – as in how can we see all the posts and shares and tears and stories we’ve seen and still not flippin get it… but the magnitude of the problem tells me that is likely still true.

The reality is that it is not likely that men who are overtly doing these things – the catcalling and the groping and worse – are going to be reading this blog post and that it will largely be the choir, but the hope is that you might find something here that is valuable or helpful in terms of getting the story out or driving the point home and be able to share that and get it in front of some who need to hear it – feel free to cut and paste but please acknowledge the people whose words you are sharing.

As i scrolled down my feed from this week, here are some of the posts that caught my attention and helped really bring some much needed truths home in the best ways possible. Thank you to all of you who were a part of getting these out. Let’s keep on talking about this stuff and committing to a # NotOnOurWatch mentality and action plan until this stuff goes away.

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One of the dangers for all men reading through these things is that we think women are talking about someone else. Those other men. But this piece from Tim Fish Hodgson is helpful in shifting that perspective:

#MeToo is not about other men who get caught or called out.

It’s about me and you and how we make women feel on a daily basis. We all present real threats to the women we interact with daily.

Men who sexually assault and sexually harass women are not exceptions.

They are our friends, our fathers, our brothers, our colleagues. They are the men that we admire and hero worship within our political movements, social movements, religious institutions, NGOs and companies.

Do not scroll passed women posting Me Too and shrug. They are acknowledging a painful and all-too-common reality of being a woman.

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As is this piece from Jonathan Stegall:

I think one line of thinking for men to follow right now (and I think there are many good lines of thinking for us to follow) is this:

If you believe all of your interactions with women are fully respectful, consenting, not biased toward you because of the power you possess as a man in a society that favors men,

Would all of the women you’ve interacted with say the same about those interactions that you would say?

I expect this is a no, for every one of us. I’d like to elaborate. Even if we, individually, didn’t ever do anything wrong (which is difficult to establish – even subconsciously, using power in ways we aren’t aware of, might never realize we did – these things are still wrong even if they are also maybe from systems bigger than we are), even if that is true, our interactions are always also in the context of all the other interactions. The stories that you’re seeing all over your timeline. They create the context in which our interactions happen. The expectations women have of us. The ways they have to read us.

Is that fair? It doesn’t matter if it’s fair. Don’t go down that road. It’s not fair that they have these stories to tell. It’s not fair that someone – maybe someone like us who think we didn’t ever do anything wrong – didn’t stop the large number of public assaults and harassments. It’s not fair that systems all the way up to the White House but also all the way down to our houses, are set up, as a default position, to protect men who do these things, especially when they do them to women of color, and/or when they are trans, especially when they are black or indigenous. It’s not fair that women – especially black women – are quite literally criminalized for defending themselves in a society that prides itself and makes decisions on the notion that white men have the god given right to take up arms against the State.

So it doesn’t matter if it’s fair, but all of our interactions with women are steeped in all the other interactions they have with men. Dealing with that isn’t easy for anyone, especially them, but it is our responsibility to deal with it, as much as it is for us to think about our own conduct, as it stands by itself.

It is about not taking stuff personally sometimes, but that is not enough and it is not the point. It is about intervening publicly sometimes. There are literally trainings on how to do this. It’s also deeper than that. It’s also about observing, contemplating, listening to and changing the ways we move in the world so they aren’t as risky, as compounding, as built on top of trauma, in a context we don’t understand. Anyway that’s just one line of thinking.

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This shoutout to women from Ashlee Baskin felt particularly helpful:

You are not invisible:

-to those who couldn’t type “me too” because it’d run the risk of tearing your family apart

-to those who couldn’t type “me too” because the perpetrator(s) is on your “friends” list

-to those who couldn’t type “me too” because you still feel guilty because of how your body responded, so you internalized that it was your fault and consensual

-to those who couldn’t type “me too” because the repressed trauma is still too much for you to handle

-to those who couldn’t type “me too” because your pride won’t allow anyone to perceive you as a “victim”

-to those who are both empowered and triggered by the collective responses of “me too” flooding your timeline…

You are seen. You are loved.

If you can’t speak out publicly, seek help privately. #itisnotyourfault #getwell #bewell #levelstothis #rabbitholegoesdeep

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My friend Candice D’Arcy presents us with a list of ten ways of seeing whether we are in fact not the problem and it hits home when she speaks about a current friend on Facebook being in her “me too” list – which i have seen from other people as well. Some of us who think we are innocent in this are considered to be the problem in the eyes and experience of others. We have to look deep into the mirror:

I’m so tired of the whole “why the x movement is problematic” rhetoric that inevitably follows a widespread hashtag or social media movement, especially when it comes to women’s rights. The hysterical cries of men who feel wounded and defensive when something like this happens drives me nuts and makes me want to hit my head against a wall! So here’s some thoughts I’d love the “not all!” men in my life to consider:

Firstly, the #metoo movement is a way for the women in your life to indicate their horrific experiences at the hands of men without actually having to sit you down and list every trauma they’ve experienced. I guarantee that if every single woman in your life did this face-to-face with you, you wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Secondly, how about some self-reflection instead of a knee-jerk “but I’m a good guy!” bullshit. At least one man I am friends with on Facebook is included in my “me too” status. Sure, we’re still “friends”, but he also considers himself a good guy. So you haven’t sexually assaulted anyone, but how about you ask yourself these questions instead of waving your arms in the air yelling “not all men!”

1. Have I ever touched a woman without her consent?

2. Have I ever pressured a woman into sex with me, or to try something sexual she isn’t comfortable with?

3. Have I ever laughed at a rape joke, or used the word rape in a sporting context thinking it was funny?

4. Have I ever stood by while a friend letches onto a woman who clearly doesn’t want him to?

5. Have I ever threatened to hit a woman during an argument?

6. Have I ever remarked on a woman’s body and expected her to be flattered, or been hurt or angry when she didn’t respond the way I wanted her to?

7. Have I ever expected to be praised for being a “good guy”?

8. Have I ever “fought for” a woman after we’ve broken up by continuing to contact her when she’s said she doesn’t want to see or speak to me anymore? Have I showed up uninvited to her home or work to show her how much I love her?

9. Have I ever pursued a woman until she’s slept with me, then ghosted her once I’ve gotten what I wanted?

10. Have I ever shamed a woman for liking sex, just because it’s not me she’s sleeping with anymore?

Obviously I could keep going here, but this is a good start for all you “good guys” out there. I doubt a single man can honestly answer no to every one of these. Take some time to think about it, and do better.

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My friend Jo Holroyd reminds us that as men we tend to take centre stage, even when the narrative shifts to abuse of women, and points to the absolute crucial need for deep and honest listening in this:

We started #menaretrash and then you were like #notallmen. Then we had #metooand you again rose up and said #ustoo.

Everytime we try tell out stories, you make it about you. You rant and rave and try undermine our very real stories.

Maybe start your own thing #ididthat #iwilldobetter. Making yourself part of the issue absolves you of looking for a solution.

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And my friend Heather Moretz Martin wonders aloud as to whether there really is any genuine hope of change, particularly because of hiow good we are at dismissing these real concerns and cries:

You know, the more I think about it, the more upset I get about this recent hashtag, because it’s almost like we might as well use #SoWhat. So a guy snaps your bra in high school… #SoWhat? Boys will be boys! So a girl is catcalled and made to endure crude conversation she’s made clear she finds offensive to the point that she dresses as boyish as possible to avoid unwanted attention… #SoWhat? Shouldn’t she be flattered? So a guy gropes you on a date, after you’ve said no… #SoWhat? It’s not like you were raped. I mean, really. We’ve had campaign after campaign to “raise awareness…” And where has it ever gotten us? What makes anyone think it’ll change this time?
So yeah, #MeToo, but in reality, #SoWhat?

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This passage from Jackson Katz from his book, ‘The Macho Paradox: Why Some Men Hurt Women and How All Men Can Help’ is a super helpful punch-in-the-gut eye-opener that a lot of men need to really hear and get because we truly have no idea:

“I draw a line down the middle of a chalkboard, sketching a male symbol on one side and a female symbol on the other.

Then I ask just the men: What steps do you guys take, on a daily basis, to prevent yourselves from being sexually assaulted? At first, there is a kind of awkward silence as the men try to figure out if they’ve been asked a trick question. The silence gives way to a smattering of nervous laughter.

Occasionally, a young a guy will raise his hand and say, ‘I stay out of prison.’ This is typically followed by another moment of laughter before someone finally raises his hand and soberly states, ‘Nothing. I don’t think about it.’

Then I ask women the same question. What steps do you take on a daily basis to prevent yourselves from being sexually assaulted? Women throughout the audience immediately start raising their hands. As the men sit in stunned silence, the women recount safety precautions they take as part of their daily routine. Here are some of their answers: Hold my keys as a potential weapon. Look in the back seat of the car before getting in. Carry a cell phone. Don’t go jogging at night. Lock all the windows when I sleep, even on hot summer nights. Be careful not to drink too much. Don’t put my drink down and come back to it; make sure I see it being poured. Own a big dog. Carry Mace or pepper spray. Have an unlisted phone number. Have a man’s voice on my answering machine. Park in well-lit areas. Don’t use parking garages. Don’t get on elevators with only one man, or with a group of men. Vary my route home from work. Watch what I wear. Don’t use highway rest areas. Use a home alarm system. Don’t wear headphones when jogging. Avoid forests or wooded areas, even in the daytime. Don’t take a first-floor apartment. Go out in groups. Own a firearm. Meet men on first dates in public places. Make sure to have a car or cab fare. Don’t make eye contact with men on the street. Make assertive eye contact with men on the street.”

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My friend James Alistair Harvey helps to try and shift the focus of where the stories need to be coming from:

My newsfeed is a cascade of “Me too.” A cascade of tears follows it. #metoo
Why must the sufferers of these atrocities come forward and proclaim their having suffered in order for people to see that this is a catastrophe?

Why should it be them to say “Me too”, and not the disgusting excuses for human beings that did this, to come forward and say “I, too. I, too, have committed acts of violence and hatred towards another human’s body. I have commited sexual assault, harrassment, I have destroyed a human being and forced them to reconstruct themselves as a new, hollow form that takes ages to become whole again. I have left scars on people much deeper than their skin. I have taken the life out of someone’s eyes and the spirit out of their heart, I have taken their freedom, and their adventure.”

Why must it once again be up to those who have suffered to prove these things happen? For every “Me too” there is an “I, too” lurking in your tut group, in your lecture theatre, in your classroom, in your office, in your homes, in your street, neighbourhood, city, government, country… And it’s THEY who should be doing this. And yet, here we all are, sharing pain…

…Me, too…
And long ago in my life, before I knew respect, before I knew anything — I, too, have been that victim-blaming bastard, that one that made jokes about it, threw the word “rape” around like it was meaningless — and those are transgressions I can’t take back, because I refuse to forget the errors I’ve made that keep me on track today.

You are all so strong, and so courageous, and so brave, and so powerful — but you should not have to do this, you should not have to bare your scars for the world to finally perhaps maybe this time see…

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While Will Esau from Germany modelled how better we can do this:

#mybad

I will take this opportunity to self-reflection and apology. I have called women derogatory names, I have, when uncertain, taken upon myself to assume where lines would or would not be drawn instead of just asking. I haven’t always been able to clearly distinguish between a joke and harassment. I haven’t always reacted when I’ve seen or heard abusive talk or behavior from other men. For this I apologize! And I hereby swear to be forever vigilant against any abusive behavior I witness from men against women.

Copy and paste this if you are a man and think everyone has more to gain from us sharing the responsibility than being defensive.

We can do better.

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i will finish off with a short poem i came up with after two days of watching #MeToo statuses appear on so many friend’s timelines and making a point of clicking on all of them with the angry face emoticon to try and in the smallest way let you know that your story of abuse makes me angry, sad and ashamed…

tired of all the ‘me too’ notices
i have seen posted all over Facebook today,
constantly drip drip dripping down my newsfeed,
i want them to end,
i’ve seen enough,
i’ve got the message,
i hear the pain,
i know what needs to be done,
i get a glimpse of the extent of the problem,
i don’t want to have to see another ‘me too’ ever again…

and as i think that thought
i hear a flood rushing towards me
as if representing every single woman on the planet
an overwhelming whispered shout comes back at me…

ME TOO!

#ThankYouBraveAndHurtingOnesForSharing
#MenWeHaveGotToDoBetter
#WeHaveGotToBeBetter
#IHaveGotToBeBetter