Why do we need 40 Tips for Men?
Today has been such a heavy day in South Africa as we heard the news so many of us were dreading about the fate of Uyinene Mrwetyana.
The How of it made it seem so very much worse.
Which is why i thought it was essential to start up this series of tips aimed at helping men to be better than we currently are. Hopefully so much better.
And i don’t know that a 40 tip series that i write and share on social media is going to make all that much difference. But there is always the hope that something will strike a chord in one. And that one will pass it on to another. And men will start thinking. And hopefully acting. And stepping in to stop the spiral of violence that we tend to enact on the women and children around us. Through obvious and more subtle ways.
So while i will continue to do what i can – in online and offline spaces – to #NotOnOurWatch actively interrupt any of this kind of anti-women nonsense when i see it, and will brainstorm and have conversations with men to try and figure out how better we can act, this is one way of making a number of statements that will help to give men even less excuse to ever be able to say, “We didn’t know!”
i am hoping the community of men will help me fashion these tips so that we cover all of the things so please feel free to add in and comment and share stories and different perspectives, but above all please be sharing these posts and tagging in your men friends, especially those you know need to hear these kinds of things.
Stay focused as i build up this collection of 40 Tips for Men.
It is definitely not all men, only a few who do this to women. Some women say we have no right to say “not all men”, but that is rubbish. There are a lot of decent men out there who respect and stand up for women. I am one of them. Don’t tarnish all men in the same category. The “men” that do this are not really men at all. They are trash and it should be that real men can go and spend time with these “men” in private for a good damn beating!
Sadly Barry, the statistics tell a much worse story – while it may not be every single man doing the deed, most of us are guilty of not interrupting the jokes and the comments and not stepping in to action when we see something happening at a bar or restaurant table near us. Or staying silent in the whatsapp group when some guy shares a dodgy pic or meme or video. Or at the dinner table.
These women are not raping themselves and it’s not just this mysterious category of ‘those men’ somewhere out there – it is at the very least someone you know and probably many someones you know. Forget about being upset that you feel like someone suggested you are a rapist [no one did!] and get upset about the fact that women are getting raped and murdered. Way more important than your ego at this moment. Get outraged and commit to doing something!
When you spend so much energy on defending the fact that it’s not all men [No-one thinks it is] and put so little energy into focusing on the actual problem at hand, that is problematic to me. All men definitely need to check themselves and even when we aren’t doing it where are the spaces where we are silent when others are, when we don’t get involved when it is happening nearby or we don’t shut it down because it is a friend or relative and we don’t want to be embarrassed or made fun of? We can be complicit even when we are not directly the problem. But all of the energy needs to be directed towards making it stop, not pointing out the exceptions.
It is not all men. I have many men in my family and they are all good guys. I think blaming all men is like saying all black people are criminals. Or to say all hijackers are black men. It is not productive. Please check your generalizations. There are rapists and they must be handled by men and brought ot justice. You cannot say these good men are trash or bad. It divides men and women. It is actually a society thing. We must stop gangster rap where they refer to women as “hoes” and this culture of quick money.
Thanks Babelwa, but nobody is suggesting it is all men. The reality is that it is almost always a man and so it is helpful for all men to check themselves in the mirror and ask where we can be better.
A helpful analogy a friend of mine shared is from a program where the evil lurked in the shadows – it was not in all shadows but it could have been in all shadows… so from a woman’s perspective it isn’t all men but you n’t know who it is and all men are definitely capable of being it. So these conversations are important.
Please help us with the Ubers as well. We do get intimidated and need a ladies taxi service. Or ladies lift sharing?