40 Tips for Men: Part 6-10

40 Tips for Men: Tip #6

Hold your voice.

This is connected to Tip 3 which involved listening but is bigger than that as well.

We live in a world that for the most part has been dominated by the voices and actions of men [see history!]

We need to be doing what we can to help redress that, keeping in mind the saying that, ‘When privilege is all you’ve known then equality may seem like oppression.’ So if we had all of the mic and now we have half of the mic, it may seem like we have lost something when in fact things have just been made more equal and more right.

If you are part of a business or group that has meetings where there are men and women and a man runs the meeting, I encourage you to do an experiment. Watch what happens when a man says something and how it is received and watch when a woman says something and how it is received. Watch how often a man explains to the group what the woman has said [mansplaining] and watch how often a woman struggles to find space to speak or is ignored completely or interrupted while she is speaking. This won’t be in all offices or all meetings, but it happens way more than any of us would like to think or hope.

Women have voices. We can’t give a woman a voice. We can however help to amplify it or step away from the mic and make space for it or step in when other men are attacking/ignoring/sidelining it. This is a tricky one because there is a danger of us man saviouring things [swooping in as the man to ‘save the woman’] which is also not helpful or appreciated and so this stuff is tricky and you may get it wrong a few times and that is okay too. Make an effort. If you get it wrong, apologise and get back up there and try do better the next time.

In a world where we have dominated discourse and decision-making and ‘leadership’ for so very long, we need to find ways to hold our voices and really lean in and listen to what women have to say!

#40TipsForMen

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40 Tips for Men: Tip #7

Quit with the Jokes. Interrupt the Jokes. Veto the Jokes.

i don’t need to explain which ones i am talking about, right? You know the ones. The ones you probably wouldn’t show your mom or your sister or your wife or your daughter. Not that that is enough to make it bad cos there are some jokes you would show some of those people that are still not okay.

Firstly, stop telling them. If you do. Which i hope you don’t. But if you are telling jokes which demean women or where they are the butt of the joke or where it’s about ‘getting a woman’ or ‘scoring’ or any other kind of awful language that makes women out to be objects, just stop.

Secondly, interrupt the jokes when they happen. These might be memes or videos or even adverts [different category, same problem] that objectify or sexualise or degrade women and they might be on your social media or in your private men whatsapp groups or in your hockey group or sports team group. A gentle but clear “That is not okay” is necessary and while inboxing people to avoid them feeling shamed or embarrassed, if someone has shared something publicly then i feel you need to do it in the public forum to let the audience know as well “This is not okay!”

This may be embarrassing. There may be some kind of cost. It very likely will be super awkward. There was an example a year or so ago when a guy shared a ‘funny’ video in my sport’s whatsapp group [20-30 men] that in the very worst of ways was comparing a scantily clad woman to a second hand Aston Martin with the most disgusting slogan. In a nutshell speaking up against it did not go down well. Created awkward vibes at the next hockey match. We all got over it and moved on [have since had conversation about the things we share in the group – this week actually!] But we have to do it.

Stories around a braai or over the dinner table, it doesn’t matter. Don’t be telling them ever but also interrupt and veto them immediately and let people know it is not okay. That kind of rubbish needs to stop. The “Ah, it’s just a joke” response is a lie because the things we joke about become ideas in our minds, women become dehumanised or objectified and we model to others that this is okay. Then when someone treats a woman like an object we all look surprised.

It may seem small, but it really isn’t. We need to clean up our talk and we need to hold each other accountable. And get thrown out of groups or leave teams if necessary.That stuff is toxic!

Quit with the Jokes. Interrupt the Jokes. Veto the Jokes.

#40TipsForMen

Claire De Lune Thomson: Yes please!

I struggle with this being present all around me everyday. It is so very uncomfortable knowing that my body is appreciated as a sex object first, and everything else afterwards. I am first an object of desire, then a daughter, teacher, artist, friend etc.

It is deeply uncomfortable to know that some of the male students I teach enjoy looking at the shape of my body more than the knowledge share in the classroom. This is what is all around them and so it “must be acceptable, right?”. Wrong. This culture is damaging to all who are objectified (women and men alike) 

Yesterday at work I took off my coat when the Cape Town weather did a switch on us and immediately a female coworker said, “Sho! You have such a sexy body”. I cringed on the inside and wanted to disappear. This culture is so entrenched that even my sisters who love and respect me see my body as a sexual object rather than see me as a holistic human being.

We are all SO much more than an object of desire. It’s insulting, degrading, and uncomfortable when we are perceived as merely sexual…

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40 Tips for Men: Tip #8

Make a mistake. But do something.

Let me disclaim this tip by saying that i don’t always believe what people sometimes say, that ‘Doing something is better than doing nothing’. Because a lot of the somethings we do tend to be quite destructive. So i’m not saying ‘Do anything’ but rather trying to say don’t be put off by the worry of getting it wrong.

i was super stoked with two conversations i had yesterday [one in whatsapp and one in my inbox] – two of my guy friends responding to an earlier tip took to whatsapp, one to ask a question to try and understand where he had maybe got it wrong or hurt the women in his life, and one to challenge a video that was shared in a family group that he felt was inappropriate.

And it sounds like they both went pretty badly.

First guy dropped me a message sharing what he had done and asked for my advice. We decided that while his question was good, the space of family whatsapp group might not have been the most appropriate and it felt like a one-on-one engagement might be more helpful. He reported back later amazing success with a one-on-one and with a brief apology he made in the family group which elicited more great opportunities for the needed conversations to happen.

Second guy shared the screenshots of his conversation and we chatted about some possibly better ways of going about it the next time.

But they both went for it. And that feels like the start of a win for me.

What i have heard from a lot of women on my timeline is the cry of “Where are the men?” and in particular “Where are the white men?” which are both not reasons for any of us to get defensive and start shouting “But i’ve been there!” but rather listen and hear that there has by-and-large been a silence from men on the whole that has been deafening to the women.

Some men are scared of saying the wrong thing, some men are asking ‘But what can I do?’ [well, so far i have 8 suggestions!] and some men are “not the writing kind of men.

But above all and firstly, it seems like the women of South Africa want to know we in some way get it – that we are outraged, that we are disturbed, that we are desperate to do what must be done so that women can live without fear in some many circumstances we take for granted.

So do something that can be seen, not so it can be seen, but to let the women in and around your life know that you have heard and are springing into action. If you are not a writing person than share someone else’s words. Check in with the women in your life and simply ask, “How are you doing with all this stuff that’s been going on this week? Is there any way I can support you?” Or simply cut and paste this: “As a man in South Africa I am outraged by the fear that women have to live in and I am committed to doing whatever I can to be a part of the solution.”

Take on your neighbourhood watch whatsapp group [the scariest one to challenge i’m sure] when they share something inappropriate, speak to the guys in your sports team, organise a get together of your man mates and have an open honest conversation about what has been happening this week and make a joint commitment to clean up your speech and actions. Start reading articles and books and blog posts and listen to TED talks so you can understand this stuff better.

Just do something. And if you make a mistake or it feels like you got it wrong, that’s okay. Apologise and try again. Chat to someone who feels like they might have some ideas on how to do it better and give it another go.

#40TipsForMen

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40 Tips for Men: Tip #9

Look deeply into the mirror.

A lot of the focus from men this past week has been putting immense passion and energy into fighting against the notion of #MenAreTrash and similar hashtags. Because we have an idea in our head of who the bad men are and it can’t be us. [And for some reason for so many men, this felt like it needed so much more attention and time that listening to women, hearing the immense pain and fear and anger and hopelessness, and committing to do something about making this a safer country for them]. That has been so disappointing because whether it matters or not it should have mattered a whole lot less than everything else that was going on.

A lot of men have made statements like ‘No-one I know is a rapist. None of my family or friends treat women like that.’ Which is starting to sound very similar to post apartheid days when it was impossible to find anyone who supported apartheid or had any racist tendencies or thought it was a good idea and everyone had been involved in the struggle…

As men, we need to stand in front of the mirror. And gaze deeply. And be uncomfortably honest.

i may not have ever raped a woman, but i can remember back in my college days not listening to my girlfriend’s ‘No!’ on something that felt like a small deal at the time but feels completely unacceptable now, because it was a “No!” and that should have been enough.

i may never have hit my wife, but i know i have raised my voice to her in a way that has made her feel threatened and possibly unsure of how safe she has been in that moment.

You may not have sent the photo, meme or video to your whatsapp group, but did you say anything about how unacceptable it was? Did you privately message the dude who did and have a conversation? Or publicly in the group declare, “This is not okay! Please refrain from sending things like this?”

You may not have told the joke around the braai that made you feel uncomfortable, but did you shut it down? Did you call out your family member when they used the term rape to describe a really bad football result for their team? Did you step in when your uncle was tickling your cousin and she was giving a loud and pleading “No!”

Silence is complicity.

What about when you were in a business meeting and a woman was speaking and was interrupted by a man? Did you say anything? What about the woman being ignored who doesn’t even get to start a sentence? What did you do when you found out that a woman in your office who does the same thing as you and has been working there longer than you is earning less than you?

A slightly harder one maybe, but when you were at a restaurant and saw a guy make a move on a woman sitting along at the next table when she clearly wasn’t interested. At the pub where the guy at the bar next to you makes a sexual comment to the waitress right in front of you. In the street when you see the men wolf whistling at the woman walking in front of you. What do you do then? What do you say? Do you quickly cross the street and walk on the other side pretending you didn’t notice?

Also it is helpful to change our mindset that the guys who do these things are ‘those guys’ or ‘those kinds of guys’. Statistics show that more often than not the perpetrators of sexual crimes are known to the victims. So it is the dads and the brothers and the uncles, it is the lawyers and the doctors and the pastors, it is white and black and coloured and indian and local and foreign, it is old men and it is young boys. There is no ‘them’. ‘They’ are us.

The violence involved is not always physical. Sometimes it looks like coercion. Sometimes it looks like power. Sometimes it is linked to the fear of what might happen. The lack of an enthusiastic willing yes is a no. Always.

You might not be trash as a whole. But if you’re a man, then there is probably [i would say definitely] the presence of trash that needs removing, or working on, or unlearning, or dismantling, or asking for forgiveness for, or needing to be made right. Start there. Look at what needs to be done in you [ask others for help with your blind spots] and get going. Encourage your friends to do the same!

Look deeply into the mirror. Start the work with that guy.

#40TipsForMen

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