i remember it like it was just last night. But mostly because it WAS just last night. This is the status i wrote minutes after it happened:

Holy craps. After months of #NotOnOurWatch preaching I had my first real experience of it – old motorcycle guy in a car park going off at a car guard and I marched in and let him have it. So much adrenalin. Body shaking. I had the advantage of the power of being bigger than him and he definitely had some fumes of an alcoholic nature backing him up. But I stepped in and firmly told him that his behaviour was not acceptable and he ended up apologizing – well kind of as much as a shouted apology can be apologizing – to the car guard and shaking my hand and introducing himself to me – but flip wow that was quite the experience and I imagine the time I have to do it when the guy is bigger than me and there is the threat of violence to me is going to be even more scary. But i renew my commitment and invite you to step in – #NotOnOurWatch

HOW IT WENT DOWN

i had a gap between to meetings and was hungry and in the vicinity of the Spar on Rosemead so i pulled into the parking lot hoping to grab a small snack before Poker night with some mates. As i was walking towards the store a man pulled up on a motorbike and as he pulled into a car parking space he was shouting loudly and aggressively at the parking guard.

i saw this and instantly knew i had to get involved [and quite possibly change my pants later]. The man was an old, short, white hair and moustached pretty much Yosemite-Sam [if he had white hair and moustache] looking character and his daughter was on the bike with him. The moment he got off his motorbike he turned around and headed back across the street to confront the car guard, a youngish slim man from the Congo.

He managed to get his first sentence of blasting out before i got there [he had a head start on me distance wise] but i arrived and positioned myself next to the car guard but slightly in front and on the pavement. Although these encounters happen at the speed of light and are all over before you realise what is happening, there is also that strange phenomenon of slowed-down-time [i can’t really explain how both happen at once] where my mind is playing through a hundred things at once, looking, listening, thinking of response, assessing the situation and so on.

So i am very aware that in that situation i have certain power on my side:

# i am taller and bigger than this guy. So physically, although i am nervous that in a fight a seven year old kid would probably beat me, i have this guy. Also by standing on the edge of the pavement i have more height and a little more power. i have deliberately put myself between this guy and the guy he is shouting at while trying not to exclude the car guard from the situation.

# i have intention on my side. This bully is thrown because he was just hoping to take his anger out on this poor car guard and was not expecting anyone to intervene and so he has been interrupted and is now back peddling. And he gets early on that i am not going to let up.

# i am younger than him which probably gives me some power again in terms of physicality and movement.

# i have all my senses about me. The closer i get to this guy the more i am convinced he probably should not be riding his motorbike right now, unless he uses a special cologne called Le’ Cohol that is producing that recognisable smell. He is not obviously drunk, but he has been drinking, which is obviously fuelling his anger.

THE WORDS 

So the main problem seems to be that the car guard was trying to direct the man to the motorbike parking and the man was intent on parking his motorbike in a car parking space.

i can’t remember the specific words that were spoken, but my initial focus was on delivering the message that “This behaviour is not okay” and he got that pretty quickly. He tried to turn it back to the parking situation and i repeated what the car guard had said in terms of “over there is where motorbikes can park” and every time he tried to make it about the parking incident my response was, “This is not about whether or not you can park there. Your attitude towards this man was unacceptable and is not okay.”

“Yes, but…”

“No, you were rude to him and you need to apologise.”

[He shouts an apology at the guy – you know, one of those heartfelt “OKAY I APOLOGISE.”]

i was firm but gentle. i didn’t get rude but just repeatedly stated my case, that his behaviour was unacceptable, that the car guard was doing his job and that he was in the wrong.

What was interesting was that the moment i got involved the power shifted – there was not a moment where the old guy looked like he was going to bully me – he was still trying to explain his actions and justify and be angry, but he agreed with most of what i said or at least took it without trying to overpower me in any way. Something a foreigner in a subservient role in a sense was not going to have in that situation.

[His daughter – late 30’s, early 40’s perhaps – was clearly embarrassed and trying to get her dad to just drop it and move on. She agreed with everything i said and was really just trying to get him to move on. i turned to her and let her know that it wasn’t her fault and that i appreciated her trying to intervene but also that he needed to realise “This is not okay.”]

Eventually, they walk off and i turn to the car guard and ask him what his name is and where he is from and if he is okay. By this time a second car guard had walked across and been standing next to him to offer support. He seemed truly grateful that i had stepped in like that.

i walked off and then suddenly the adrenalin pitched up and punched me in the face. Or something. i was physically shaking, which took me by surprise cos i was so in control of the situation as it was happening and didn’t feel at risk or like it was going to end badly at all. i have been writing about #NotOnOurWatch and calling people to it for months now and apart from some online stuff i knew there would come a time when a situation would present in front of me and i would have to get involved. i have been dreading it to a certain extent cos what if i coward out when it does happen? What if it seems like i might get seriously hurt and i just choose to avoid the whole thing. So for me, having this happen and stepping in and getting involved felt like a win.

Twenty minutes after shopping though and i was still shaking. And i was not the VICTIM in that whole exchange. And that was a once off for me that i got to choose to get involved in or not whereas for this guy and thousands like him, EVERY DAY, there is no choice and often no-one to step in in any way or form.

THE PUNCHLINE

It is easy to read a story like this and high five and share and be amazed at how brave i was blah blah blah. But it is super important to realise that this was not me being heroic [despite it feeling like that in my own mind and me wanting to pat myself on the back]. This was NOT me being great or doing a great thing. This was NORMAL. This was me doing the expected, called for, necessary thing. For me a moment of pulling the madness of our country a little but closer to what should be normal – you know, for everyone to be treated with dignity and respect, for everyone to live with a #NotOnOurWatch mentality and step into situations like that EVERY SINGLE TIMEa we see them, online and off.

Well, why write about it then? Surely that’s just calling for attention [we all know how much Brett Fish loves his attention!] and wanting people to be impressed and share the story around? 

That is a tough question, because there is every chance of that happening. So from my side i need to be repeating the refrain “THIS IS NORMAL” in my head over and over and over again, to keep my head to its regular size. But the reason i share this story is to encourage and challenge everyone else towards a #NotOnOurWatch mentality and lifestyle. Me writing a #NotOnOurWatch status every day for a month and now every now and then is not a “LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT HOW GREAT I AM” thing although no doubt it will be interpreted as that by some. That’s okay. But we need to hear the stories of when people step in and stop these things to encourage and challenge us [yes, and probably shame us] for those times we don’t. So that when you see a white man going off at a coloured woman cashier in the supermarket and you look the other way, you will know that you messed up. So that when you see someone post a racist comment on your page and you don’t challenge it [publicly as it was written publicly and the audience needs to also know “This is not okay!”] you will know you messed up and got it wrong. And most importantly, so that the moment you see a racist word or thought or action happening in front of you, you will be inspired to have the guts to step into it in some way and pull things back towards normal.

i think the stories also help give us the courage to step into the next one. i think last night was quite an easy one for me as i felt on the right side of power [and this is what being aware of and using our privilege means] and i’m sure there will be ones that don’t end as well or don’t feel as easy or where there is more pushback.

Also, don’t feel [too] bad about where you’ve got it wrong or haven’t stepped in. But definitely decide right now that that will not happen again. i got it hopelessly wrong in a different situation with a woman in a wheelchair earlier this week [which you can read about here] and that helped make me determined to not get it wrong again so soon.

Embrace #NotOnOurWatch – make a commitment to it on your timeline and in your status so that you can invite accountability. So that you can nudge yourself to be alert and prepared and ready to step in where necessary. These moments taken or missed might be what defines the trajectory of our country, which still has a long way to go. But the ants always outnumber the crickets… and so us ants need to start stepping up together…