i’m not a big fan of commercialised Christmas vibes and in particular Christmas carols – woergh – kinda hate them with a passion…
my wife, TBV, is a big fan of Christmas and Christmas-related stuff though (although she says carols aren’t huge for her either!)
and i realised the other day that in my adamant ‘we will fight carols on the beaches, we will fight them on the shores, we will never surrender’ and ‘i have a dream of a Christmastime where all carols will be banished to the basement of society’ and ‘you want Christmas stuff? I think i’m entitled to it. You want Christmas stuff? I WANT THE CAROLS! You can’t handle the carols!’ speeches she may have got the vibe that i don’t want any Christmas stuff.
fortunately i figured it out just in time and, even though i’m not the hugest fan of all the Christmas stuff i realised this is important stuff to her, because it means more to her to have it than it does to me to not have it i quickly messaged her and told her ‘of course we’re going to have stuff and start planning and if we need to buy any stuff then let’s do it’ – let’s just say that it went down well.
one of the secrets to loving your woman well is to know what means a lot to her and even if it does mean some small sacrifice (and this one really isn’t a huge sacrifice, something i’m less interested in getting around to or making an effort for as opposed to being set against so really not a big deal) to take many opportunities to go out of your way to provide that for her.
i think sometimes in relationships we can caught up in doing only stuff that benefits both of us – so buying a slab of chocolate or bag of chips or renting a dvd that i like so it feels like i’m doing something for her, but actually i’m just selfishly including her in something i wanted for myself… and then never sacrificing anything for the benefit of something she is actually very much wanting because it doesn’t do all that much for me.
there is an amazing picture of this kind of love in the story of King David at a time when he has sinned and God is busy punishing Israel with a huge destructive plague and David goes to this man Araunah to offer a sacrifice to God on his plot of land and Araunah offers the place and the wood and the offering free of charge to the king and David refuses to take it for free saying, “No, I insist on paying you for it. I will not sacrifice to the Lord my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing.” [2 Samuel 24.24]
how much sacrifice exists in the love you have for your wife or girlfriend?
is it time you changed the way you ‘love’?
when last did you buy her some flowers?
[for the next part of ‘How to Love your woman better’ – Verbal Blessing – click here.]
*big smilling face*
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Cricket tests: tip for you… Women don’t enjoy spending the whole week watching a cricket test… It is akin to us dragging you along for some shoe shopping…for a week. But if she’s busy with other stuff then it’s Okay for you to waste your time watching cricket your whole holidays…
hi suzette, some women do enjoy watching cricket for a whole week – i love cricket and very much dig tests especially if we watching with friends or at a restaurant. so i guess the “Women don’t” is more of a “some women don’t”. Not sure if the “if she’s busy with other stuff” is a condition for when it is okay for men to watch tests. cos I think that kind of logic would go against what this blog is about – your action of loving may very well be to let him watch a whole test knowing that is something he loves to do (even if there are things you would rather be doing or rather be doing with him). then again, for me the image of the “guy on the couch watching sports and eating chips” is not always very appealing if it is a habitual thing. so a bit more on the communication of it and a little less of the you’re “wasting your time watching cricket your whole holidays”. Just some thoughts. because if you want him to actively love you like this blog suggests then you should be actively loving him by your choices and sacrifices too.
So you enjoy cricket only at a restaurant or with friends then. But by itself you must admit it’s bloody boring. I can handle a one day with friends but the boringness of a week or whole holiday with it on tv and in the background droning away is insanely dull. If your man becomes glued to the couch, it can be very unhealthy so encouraging him off the couch is a loving act. There is so much else that can be done that doesn’t revolve around a tv- hiking in the outdoors, swimming, going on a boat, taking photos of mountains. Tv steals your time and makes you lazy and boring. If you lIke cricket, then get off the couch and go play it at a club. I cannot live vicariously through a tv.
hey suzette
thankx for the comments but i think that you speak for some women and probably a lot of them but certainly not all of them – i know a bunch of lady types who really dig cricket and can watch 5 days live or on tv and just because that’s not you doesn’t mean it’s not everyone – some people dig the outdoors and some people prefer to chill with their dude on a couch watching dvds – doesn’t make one more right than the other – the point here would be that knowing how you are and feel about cricket and the outdoors, if your man spent five days lounging on the couch it would not be an act of love to you and if you had a man who loved watching cricket then you sitting for five days (or maybe compromising and sitting for one of the five) watching cricket with him would be a huge act of love from you – thye point is knowing your person and what they love and like and taking time and opportunity to sacrifice what might be your first choice activity to join them or cheer them on in theirs – and if you are with the right guy then chances are they are thinking and doing the same…
Five days on a couch is unnatural, boring and very unhealthy. It accomplishes next to nothing constructive. I don’t care who wins or loses or even who plays. I get nothing out of it. The tv isn’t a substitute for real life. If you were on your death bed and you could have five days more to live with good health, would you choose to watch a five day test? Or maybe you’d spend it more wisely. Go tO gym or run or hike. Sloth was once regarded as a sin. If your wife likes cricket tests and sitting on the couch all day too, then it could be very unhealthy.
suzette, firstly, you are missing all sorts of the points of what this article/series is about – not even sure where your cricket comment came from cos i don’t think i mentioned that?
secondly, the point is as you said “you get nothing out of it” – you find it unnatural and boring but other people may not – if it is all they do and there is no healthy stuff balancing it then there could be a problem for sure – how do you enjoy spending your recreation time cos all people being made different i would assume there are some people who will go “thats amazing, me too” and others who will respond with “that is unnatural and boring and quite possibly too energetic” (i take it you’re an outdoors person)
thirdly, i completely agree with you, sloth is a sin
this series is about building relationships and encouraging others to do the same – go and read the posts again and try and see that and be encouraged or challenged by it instead of going on about some side issue that is not really the issue in this case
good evening.
That’s what many guys are doing this week. Lots of girls tell me their boyfriends are glued to the tv. I find it so silly when there is a big world out there. To live vicariously through sportsmen and actors and such is akin to idol worship. I can understand a one day can be fun, or maybe a 20 over game, but a week of boring one runs? Who in their right mind would find that exciting? Please really I would love to know the answer? Also guys who watch soccer all day- and rugby. That’s why so many sa men have boeps. The couch is the way of the lazy. Tv is an idol. If someone sat watching paint dry all week, you’d think they were nuts. The same with cricket, especially the week long games. Do you care who wins or loses? I don’t. Men must become men and get outdoors and live their own lives. Don’t live through DVDs or through watching sports. Five day tests are hardly a sport. They are skin to paint drying. Then men expect women to slave away in the kitchen while they lie on the couch getting fatter boeps. People I guess have varying tolerances for boredom. I prefer more intellectual past-times or if I am out, to be participating in a sport or activity. Tv dehumanizes us. Makes us lazy and fat. It stops us from having conversations with each other and it ruins your imagination. The paint drying watching club is just as exciting as a five day test.
I grew up on a farm in the boland. Back in those days, men would work the land and they would be up before dawn toiling. There was no such thing as a holiday. Wed go to church on a Sunday, and relax on a Sunday. That was the only day the men would rest. They would watch the local guys or participate in friendly games. Nobody had time for tv and sitting on the couch. Sitting on the stoep- yes, but only after a hard days working the fields. Today men are lazy and get by using clever words and hardly lift a arm or mOve a muscle. They watch other men living their dreams. My domineering would say that a man is only a man when he’s worked the land himself, polities land and sweated while working the land. He was an old farmer. Today weak men make too much easy money from having a big mouth. Couches in the old days, forget it. One week of sitting on a couch, get outta here.
suzette, it seems you have had some bad experiences with men in this country and i’m sorry to hear that – the purpose of this blog series i am running as you can see from the title is ‘how to love your woman better’ – it’s a challenge for men across the country (and world) [and women cos it really works both ways] to step up to the plate and be better friends, boyfriends and husbands – “Then men expect women to slave away in the kitchen while they lie on the couch getting fatter boeps” – that is exactly the kind of attitude i am speaking into and against – val (my wife) and i love cooking together – i am volunteered washer upper (because i enjoy it altho she also washes up a lot) and she does most of the laundry (altho i do it when i can) and so we share tasks – i do the rubbish bins for example – but cooking we love doing together – we love walks on the beach and camping trips and swimming in our complex pool (because it’s in a complex, not cos it’s difficult to understand) but we also love watching cricket together (more the T20 or one day) and dvd series cos we get to be together doing something we both enjoy…
the one point i do think you may be missing though is that something you may find really enjoyable someone else won’t and the thing you compare to paint drying society meetings someone else might really enjoy and so be careful of dismissing something simple cos you don’t like it…
i love my wife and serving her is one of the ways i get to show her that…
If for instance your wife were a member of the paint drying watching society and she pursued this hobby a week here and there, what would you do? Would you join in or what? You see it’s easier if you both enjoy it, but what if you don’t? What if the hobby of your partner is just unbelievably dull? Trust me, I’ve tried enjoying rugby, cricket, and please don’t get me started on golf…
suzette, this may be the last time i respond, cos i’m really not sure you’re listening to what i (and my beautiful wife val) are saying… but let me try answer your last question…
there are some things (playing board games, swimming, watching dvd series, walking on beach, camping) that we love to do together
there are other things we allow each other to do while we don’t particularly enjoy them or do them together – so i play hockey and theatresports, val does hip hop classes and book club
the whole point is looking at what love means and seeing it’s a choice rather than a feeling – to look for the other person’s benefit and not only your own (but then making a good choice as to who you spend your life with so you are with someone who will be choosing you over them as well) – so both are lifted up and encouraged and spurred on by each other
i’m sorry for your bad experiences but i hope you can look past them and that you will see and meet examples of great guys who treat their woman well and i am privileged to have a lot of guy friends who are amazing to their wives and vice versa…
It seems that mostly cricket is a male dominated sport. You don’t really see female cricket players. Rugby and soccer are also male dominated. In sa, the women have always been dominated by men as sa is a male dominated society. The women don’t realize it, but they have been brainwashed into thinking they like, with some genuinely liking male sports. When have you seen men and women gathering for a netball or womens hockey match for five days? So besides being boring, it is male dominated in every aspect. Also, it’s a way for some men to dominate others as they’re the ones making millions and getting all the action while others sit watching them. So all round, I think it’s manifestation of a male dominated vicarious culture of idol worship. It keeps men down and women even more down. Imagine all the millions of man hours lost to sitting on the couch. Womens hobbies and interests need to be encouraged more.
hobbits are cool.
But back on topic, I see your side as well. But it’s not always so cut and dry. Sometimes your parners hobbies are beyond boring. How does one cope with that? And as I say, watching sport is not a hobby. It is a waste of time. If the guy plays the sport, then by all means make a plan. If he theatresports then I would come support him. But if his hobby is counting balls then I just font know how to offer support rather than try to discourage him from a destructive and wasteful pasttime. So where do you draw the line?
What if his hobby is drinking too much? How much is too much? Same with watching sports. What if he plays online games until 4 in the morning? Where is the line between stopping a self destructive behavior and supporting it? And if you both do it, then what’s stopping you both from heading down a life wasting path together?
i suspect the answer lies in the definition of hobby which is along the lines of something someone enjoyes passing the time with (altho probly a more apt definition for ‘pastime’) and you keep on looking at your guys hobby and saying it’s boring but if the guy is doing it then to him it is probably not – so you are missing the point of supporting him in what he enjoys and hopefully having him support you in what you enjoy – not needing to enjoy it yourself necessarily but supporting and my guess is that if you support your person in the thing they enjoy because you love to see them enjoying something (rather than judging them on the thing they enjoy) then perhaps you will actually end up enjoying that thing as well (altho not necessarily and that really isn’t the point)
love is taking the ‘it’s all about me’ ness away and replacing it with serving someone else in love…
but there is definitely a line and if the other person sits and does their hobby all the time and never takes time out to support you in your hobby and never sacrifices time with his hobby to be with you etc etc then he is probably the wrong guy – love has to be a mutual thing where both sides are supporting and looking after the interests of each other and so on…
so if all he does is lie for five days watching cricket/rubgy/paint-drying on a couch then definitely run…
now that last post from you is the best thing you’ve said so far – those are the real questions and they need serious attention for sure… again on what i said above about love being a mutual thing of self-sacrifice and submission to each other then you will be able to find out those answers – what we have been discussing is very different from self destructive behaviours (altho anything out of moderation can surely lead to those, even good things in excess become bad) which is why it is key to have a relationship with honest open communication where you work through those potential minefields as grown adults who love each other and want to see the other person thrive…
i am going to watch an episode of Chuck with the beautiful Val now so good nite…
First of all you need to be discerning about choosing a romantic partner in life. Part of that discernment is to ensure that you have similar interests – and that the candidate for your affection is not significantly interested in activities that you abhor. As Brett says – you will also most likely have your own set of interests that don’t particularly appeal to your partner.
I don’t always get this right – but my most fulfilling times are usually times when I have consciously decided to put the interests of my partner first in choosing activities. I get real pleasure from seeing her fulfilled and happy. She reciprocates and makes a real effort to meet my needs too – sometimes sacrificially. I know she hates Test cricket – and so I’m just happy for her to sit on the couch beside me reading whilst I enjoy the cricket – and I’ll interrupt her occasionally to share my excitement with some interesting aspect of the game. She listens – and I feel loved.
For love to flourish – and romance to be kept alive in a relationship – you have to work at it. You’ll definitely be happiest if you’re unselfish – and you’re constantly looking for ways to show your appreciation and love for your partner.
completely agree, need to firstly understand your spouse and then be able to give him/her something that they enjoy. making tea for my husband says nothing for him about “love” however for me it is totally the opposite. allowing him space and time to go snowboarding however, is something he really enjoys… (love languages different)
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