Wendy and I have been married since December 2004 but in some ways it seems so much longer because we have done so much since then, including immigrating (twice) and starting a business. And let me tell you, those are both very stressful, and stress is not good for a marriage.
I think that what I have realised about marriage is that it is not always a feeling but a choice. You choose to be married and you choose to make a marriage work. My wife and I have had some very difficult times in our marriage, some in the past and some right now, but there is a difference between the two. We didn’t handle the stressful times in the past very well, and it could have ended the marriage. Being in a foreign country, money running out, the work permit you were told (by officials) that you could get, you now can’t and you have to make a decision. Go to another strange country or go back to where you came from and give up on your dreams. This is not easy.
I went on to the new country and Wendy went back to where we came from, to get a visa. This time apart was not easy as we had taken the stress out on each other, and neither of us were in the best emotional place. This was a time when marriage was a choice and not a feeling. Having said that we have some stressful issues at the moment too, even more stressful that what we went through before, but our marriage is stronger than ever!
So what is the difference? Summing it up in a sentence will sound a bit cheesy and like a cliché , but I’m going to say it anyway. When you have a problem, remove it from in between you, and face it together.. We have a relationship with God, through Jesus, so we bring Him into the discussion too! When it is two of us and God against a problem it doesn’t seem that big, yet when it gets in between you and your partner, it seems much bigger than it is!
It also appears that you are facing it on your own as it gets in between the two of you, so you focus on the problem and don’t see how it affects your spouse. Separate yourselves from the problem, join with God, and fight it together! Previous people posting have said that it is impossible to mention marriage without children. Well I think it is impossible to mention our marriage without God, as He plays a major part, and without Him I don’t think our marriage would be so strong.
I can honestly say, even though we are going through what is probably the most stressful time of our lives, it is also the most promising. That is down to two reasons. We follow God, and we put our future in His hands. He promises that even though things don’t always go our way, He will work it for our good. And secondly, Wendy and I are a team. We tackle issues together, and we have made a choice to stick together and support each other. This doesn’t mean that the ‘feeling’ and love is no longer there, quite the opposite, I love her more now than the day we got married!
[For the next post on Marriage year 10 by Megan and Brenton Furniss, click here]
Richard and Wendy are truly a beautiful couple who walk the walk with God. I wish them every happiness and a solution to the problems they are having at the moment.
thank you so much for your kind words, Heather!
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[…] In 1999 we were both leaders on the same holiday club and I remember turning to a friend and shared that by the end of the week we’d be dating, and despite our first date being with a bunch of youth leaders at Spur, followed by a ‘romantic’ screening of the Matrix, she stuck it out. Fast forward a few years as we were preparing for our marriage in 2004 our marriage counseling shared that by choosing to marry each other we were ‘compromising’. Now as you might imagine it’s not how you imaging starting off your lives together, but the truth is that it IS a compromise. No two people want the same thing at the same time, marriage in itself is a beautifully testing and trying experience, think about it, you take two people from different families & backgrounds, coming together as one mind, body and soul. Exactly. The compromise is that one of you WILL bow out to the other, but the secret? Wanting what is best for your spouse, not yourself. You see if you are both wanting what is the best for each other, finding that point of compromise is fairly easy, not always, but being self-seeking and wanting your own way leads to a break down in communication and resentment. You quickly start to believe these ‘acceptances’, you know, “She/He will never change” or “She/He always does that!” and it creates a rift that can soon become chasm as you spiral out of your circle of intimacy. The general world view is that you are in it for you, the media propagates this by sharing it’s “every man for himself” or “do what makes you happy”, but I’m calling it. Marriage is a choice, one you make daily, to put your spouse and families needs above your own, it’s self sacrificing and at times plain old tough. It has little to do with feelings, and everything to do with choices. On our wedding day instead of saying “I do” we said “we will”, we will choose daily to love each other, to work through our problems, to embrace the struggles of life that invariably that come along and work as a team though God’s grace. Marriage is beautiful, it bends you, moulds and shapes you. Almost 10 years in I’m not the same man Kathy married, I’m a better version of him and I’d like to think she feels the same and I look forward to the years still ahead of us. [For a post from Marriage year 10 with Richard and Wendy Sumner, click here] […]
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