Do people without children have any wisdom to offer parents who do?
That was the question i asked in this post earlier this week, which met with mostly positive response. i also asked friends on Facebook if any of them had any advice to pass on to parents and this is what i received:
Leah Rudman:
Ok, I like this a LOT.
So I’m director of a Childcare centre so I look after 71 children and 18 staff per day. I’ve been a teacher for over 10 years too. BUT I have no children so I qualify for this post. And every chance I get to be in a classroom and to talk to large groups of parents and encourage children and parents I ALWAYS say the same thing … Teach your children to be resilient.
What does that look like??
Sorry my love those aren’t the rules of the game, I’m sorry you lost this round, that’s ok maybe you will win next time.
You don’t get a treat because you put your jumper on, you put your jumper on because you’re a good boy and you make dad happy when you listen and do the right things.
I know that sometimes mommy gets you a treat when you go shopping, but that only happens sometimes.
I’m sorry “Jessica” hurt you feelings at school today, but you need to get up get dressed and we are going to talk in the car about what you can say to Jessica I that happens again.
“But they said I’m 3 years old and I’m actually 4 years old”. Do you KNOW in your heart you are 4 years old? “Yes miss Leah. I know that too!! So if they are being silly, go find some other friends who know what’s in your heart too.
Miss Leah “so and so” won’t share with me. Ok both of you come sit here and work it out and let me know when you’re done and how you did it. “What did you boys decide? XYZ. Excellent! Peter are you happy? Yes. Great! Jayden are you happy? Yes. Excellent.
But I want the blue plate!!! With a smile on my face : “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.”
But I didn’t get a turn!!! That’s ok, sometimes we don’t always get our turn. Maybe we will get chosen next time.
Do NOT give them everything they want. Do NOT do everything that makes it easier or happier for them. Allow them, through simple daily things to build that resilience. That helps them with anxiety, depression and the big ugliness of this world. As a teacher, I honestly think it’s one of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child.
Michelle Van Der Berg:
Hey Brett! So one thing I’d love for parents to know about is the importance of SPENDING TIME with your children.
Since a big part of my studies involves working with early childhood development, it’s really surprising and interesting to know how much those very early years (even the first six months) can shape the years to come, and have an effect even all the way into school. Ideally we would love for parents to read to their children, play with educational toys with them, tell them stories etc but I know that isn’t always possible or feasible due to finances or situation.
So the next best is to just spend time with kids. Let baby sit in the kitchen while you are making supper and tell them all about what you are doing. Tell them which part of their body you are washing in the bath. Take them with you to the shop and chat all the way there and back. Make funny faces at them, and copy the faces and sounds that they make. Often parents will think that they need fancy toys to do this or that, and they are often surprised at how much one can do with very very little money. Even investing half an hour into your child in a day, where it’s just baby and parent or baby and caregiver, can do so so much in effecting positive change down the line.
Helene Scalliet
HI Brett! This is in response to your question about people without kids… I could go on and on about “Don’t forget to ask how WE are doing after spending a half hour telling us about your kid’s cold”, but that’s snarky and negative. Most of the time, I am in awe and grateful to see my loved ones transform into parents, something I would never have the selflessness to be.
My advice would be to let us be a part of your kids’ lives. Just because we don’t have kids doesn’t mean we don’t love them, especially the children of those we love. I cherish watching them grow from afar and sometimes wish I were invited to kid activities so I could get to know them better. The parents tend to plan social activities with other kids and parents and seem to assume I wouldn’t be interested. Then I find out they went to pet baby goats over the weekend and I’m like “I WANTED TO DO THAT WITH YOU!!!”
I want to be involved, be given responsibilities, be a part of raising the new generation (just, you know, not full time)…
But because I don’t have kids I feel like people treat me like I don’t care to be included…
And there are only so many times I can say “next time you’re going to pet baby goats, call me!” Before I give up…
Craig Botha:
Regarding your question on childless people giving advice. I’ve done a number of holiday bible clubs, and taught Sunday school, etc. and looked after my brother’s kids. Of all the children I’ve looked after, the best behaved, most well adjusted kids are those who:
1. Don’t get everything they want.
2. Watch minimal TV.
3. Have parents who lead by example. i.e. Behave in the way they expect their children to behave. For instance, if you wan’t your children to be non-smokers, then set the example by not smoking. If you want your children to respect others, then show them that same level of respect. If you want your children to be kind to others, you need to be kind to other’s (and be genuine, remember that children also take note of the comments you make behind a persons back when you’re not in that person’s company any more). If you make racist comments, your children will had a tough job trying not to be racist. If you’re a drunk, your children are likely to follow your example. And if you swear at home, expect your children to use that same language in Sunday school on Sunday. I’m sure that this is all easier said than done. But I see it being done in some families.
Brad Kurth:
My input for parents: Be consistent in everything. Praise and punishment. What kids get away with one day is punished the next. Or parents threatening “the next time you do that I’ll…” without following through.
Or the punishment on the day is dependent on the parents mental state, and not on planned parameters.
From Kari Cousins:
I have something that I would like parents NOT to do, and that is to demonise a stranger by saying to the small person throwing a wobbly: “If you don’t stop that, that lady over there (complete stranger who just happens to be in the vicinity) will smack you!”. One, it’s a lie, two, that won’t happen, and if it did, imagine the outrage… so it is really no solution to the current crisis. Please don’t do this!
Rory Berry:
I would say this to parents. Teach your kids it’s ok to fail and that rejection and disappointment are ok. We seem to have become so obsessed with being better than everyone else that people will do almost anything to get 1 up on the next person. When they don’t get their way they are incapable of dealing with the rejection and fall apart. My 2 cents that I am more than happy to elaborate on if you wish.
Ashley Brownlee:
Don’t assume that non-parents are living vicariously through your kids. We tell you that because often we’re at a loss for words.
Nancy Enslin Strauss:
Do more research before you fly! Have been on a lot of flights lately and seen some parents handle it so well with toys, distractions, necessities to make it as smooth as possible AND then some doing it so horribly with no apparent forethought resulting in a child crying for HOURS of the flight!
[i heard of a parent who when they fly prepares tiny bags of sweets and fun things for all the people around them which i know may seem a little excessive, but i really liked the idea of taking the other people on the flight into consideration with a message of “Hey, I’m doing my best with this and thank you for your patience up front.”]
On a bit of a different note from Kirsten Anne Dawes came this comment which i thought was worth sharing:
Brett, thank you for saying this. I was brought up by a “village” that involved uncles and aunts, friends, parents of friends members of our community (all of the above both with and without children, some of them facing pretty stark physical and intellectual challenged) and I am grateful for all of their input. I am glad that there were people there to spend hours embroidering tray cloths with me when my mother had a migraine, for people who taught me nee moral perspectives and for people who could let me eat ice cream for dinner precisely because they weren’t my parents. I love child people and youth people and I’ve been pretty closely involved in some young lives. Nannies don’t have to be consistent??? A good nanny is deeply involved in shaping a child’s world view. So is a good grandparent, or godparent, or aunt, or friend…. I deeply resent the assumption that I know nothing about kids just because I haven’t passed on my genes.
There is a whole lot here already but i do have a few of my own, some of which have been mentioned and deserve repeat:
[1] Consistency:
This feels like one of the biggest ones – the moment you say something [especially a threat] and don’t do it, you have educated your child for life. If they know you didn’t go through with it one time, why would they ever believe that you will the next? Have seen lack of consistency causing so much chaos.
Also consistency between parents. If mom says “No! then dad the answer is “No!” The moment you overturn what your spouse has said, you are asking for so much trouble.
[2] Follow through: If you say to your child, “If you hit your sister one more time I will kill you” then you really have to kill them. There is no other option that is going to work out favourably for you. A better way of thinking about this is to not threaten to kill your child. Or hit them [unless you plan to]. Or tell them there will be no dessert [unless you take it away]. Once you have said it, you need to follow through, else once again you are teaching them that your word means nothing and i have seen how disruptive this can be on many occasions.
[3] Remember you’re the parent: One [or maybe two, or three, or four – not sure how this one works] meltdown as a result of sending them to bed/telling them they can’t watch any more tv/telling them they need to eat their vegetables/demanding that they take the cat’s tail out of their mouth is worth not having to fight with them [and give in] night after night after night after night. You are the parent and so they need to eat their food [they’re not being good or deserving of reward if they do – that’s what people do] or go to bed when you tell them to and so on. i have watched too many parents bargain with their children as if their children are in charge [usually because they are because of a history of bargaining]. No, you will do as i say or there will be a consequence. i love the idea of giving explanations as opposed to the old “Because I said so” that many of us had to put up with, or sitting with them the next day when things are calm and talking through the consequence and so on. But in the moment you need to be the parent and display that authority or the child will take charge and you will struggle to get it back. [On this one i’m not convinced that bribing them for doing something they should naturally be doing is helpful in the bigger picture at all].
Those are the big three that come to mind. i have witnessed again and again a failure to display consistency or follow-through cause absolute chaos. i imagine you are inviting some bumpy times to initially get those lessons learnt, but once they are, then i think they will serve you for life.
As a bunch of people have said above, we love your children, probably not as much as you, but probably a lot more than you realise. We completely get that parenting is not easy at the best of times and think that you are doing an incredible job raising your children. We want to cheer you on and celebrate with you and spend time with you and your children. But we do see stuff and we’re not stupid and so you can feel free to ask us questions or share your concerns and bounce stuff off us and invite us to be a part of the village that helps raise your children.
There are a bunch of really different thoughts in here and my hope is that there is one that jumps out at you and proves helpful or worth some thought or reflection.
And i am looking forward to the next post[s] which will be inviting parents to give advice to other parents [particularly when it comes to tantrums, but i’d also love to see stuff on flying with children/eating vegetables/going to bed/relating to visitors in your home and more].
If you are a parent, why not mention a specific area you would love a tip/idea/word of advice on from another parent and i can see if i can find someone to speak to your specific point. Thanks for hanging out.
Remind me to tell you about the time I realised in horror that I was about to stab a soccer ball (and did!) because I had threatened to do it if the ball was bounced one more time in the kitchen…that one taught me about being careful of what threat I make ? It also taught a very distraught 4-year old that balls can’t be stabbed and then be bouncy again (a consequence I had forgotten to spell out during the threat)…not one of my proudest parenting moments as I stood with a knife hovering over the ball and realised how violent it was and that I had to carry it through…also not one of my worst parenting moments!! ?
(pretty much told you about it, hey? But not the whole story and I didn’t describe the look of absolute horror on my youngest’s face…there, now I sort of did!)
I have (foolishly?) offered advice to my siblings who have kids (while I do not) in the past, only to be met with a tirade of abuse – how can a non-parent possibly understand or even dare to tell them how to raise their kids?
It was a stand off for many years.
What I have learned since is that the way I offer advice is the problem. I think for anyone (with or without kids) who does have advice or an opinion to share, tread carefully. Consider first if your opinion was asked for – that should be your first clue. No one likes to be told what to do – not you, nor I, nor anyone we know.
I think a very good question woukd be why don’t you want to have kids? Have you examined all the reasons and plusses and minuses and made a complete and thorough decision? Maybe you don’t want them now, but years later you do, and then it’s too late.
Secondly how do you avoid falling pregnant? A woman should not be on the pill or injection for so long as it’s very unhealthy. Are you going to get a vasectomy? These are details people who don’t want kids also would like to know. What’s the best method to not have kids.
In any healthy marriage, there is always a chance of falling pregnant. So thirdly; if by some accident you guys did, what would you do?
Not judging either way, just wanting to know as I’m sure there are many couples like yourselves.
Just saying we don’t really want either. But maybe in the future. But it’s good to hear your reasons.