So, as i write this, i find myself in a bit of a funk.
The fact that i just used the word ‘funk’ twice does not make me feel good. What is happening to me? Could be worse, Brett, could be bae, but we all know that bae is not a word. It is not! STOPPIT! #BaeWatch
For the last two weeks and coinciding with sickness vibes which could be a chicken/egg scenario i have just been a bit down and out. And it’s not cool or fun or particularly great… but it is okay, cos i hold dearly onto the mantra that THIS. TOO. WILL. PASS.
i have blue hair. That is going for me. It’s a good look and despite the particular dye probably not being the ongoing answer to my permanent blue look due to it fastening itself onto pillows and towels and anything else light shaded that i tend to lean against, it does leave me some measure of joy.
The book that i am writing brings me life. There is a bit of a ways to go and was chatting to tbV about needing to gun hard and probably take some time away in remote places in June to do so as i really am hoping to get the majority of it done by mid year. So that little project is positive, feels important and despite not having any leads on actual proper real publishing vibes, we are heading towards completion. Although a whole bunch of people also owe me stuff on that and so i must get on to that side of things. But that feels like goodness in my life.
The fact that i have finally got going with the long overdue Race with me video vibes makes me happy. With Grant overseas i do need to meet with Terence or Kevin or Christie sometime soon so i can up the quality of them, but just the fact that they are being made and starting to resemble a very small library of hopefully helpful resources is a good thing. They are largely dealing with race issues i have dealt with on here and in the book and i’m hoping that they will get to a place of dealing with more in-the-moment relevant aspects of life and race as they come up, once we have a library covering some of the basic race questions. So that’s a future hope.
While i don’t really have a porpoise, No_bob is technically a stuffed dolphin and all, i am struggling a bit with purpose at the moment as well.
The problem is that i enjoy a lot of what i do, but it doesn’t really pay the bills. And that i can’t easily figure out what i could do that would pay the bills in terms of something that will still feel like it had life purpose. Realising that for a lot of people work is simply work and that it is a privilege to be doing work that is fulfilling and doesn’t just pay the bills.
The two things that come to mind in an if-you-could-be-doing-anything-what-would-it-be kind of question vibe are both ideas which i think could definitely work but just don’t really know how to get started on.
Recently on my Durban trip i did some Improv training with a team of young people who do Justice productions in schools and it went really well and i thought: hey i could do this!
Also a year or so ago my friend Megan and i came up with some ideas for a three hour Improv/Race workshop for companies that would involve story-telling and improv activities to help get people to the place of being able to start talking about race. i think what we have is gold but never quite found a foot in the door to try it out on anyone and see if it would work.
When i hear stories about some of the training companies get in for team-building or integration it really feels like we could do something that would be of much greater value and so i do have some people in mind to speak of who i think do some of this stuff but most of them live in Joburg and are super busy people so need to try and figure out connection there.
The bloggering thing remains a mystery to me. Since moving from free WordPress to paid for website hosting and brettfish.co.za i have a much better looking website no question [and huge thanks to Nic Black and Mandy Papenfus and others for helping me sort that move out] but the traffic has not followed, to quite frightening levels. i was looking around on my old blog which has not been active for two years now and it is getting more traffic than my new one is. i think i have been producing better stuff but no one is seeing it. Or relatively few people.
i think Facebook is largely to blame but surely not solely as the things it shows the people are way more inhouse than outhouse and really hoping that outhouse is not an apt description of my new blog location but something definitely stinks and i’m not techy and so i don’t understand any of it and haven’t really been able to figure that out for a long time.
So it is worth paying for a pretty looking blog that no one sees or should i head back to free wordpress and have an audience again?
Although the trolls of the internet are still somehow seeming to find my blog and letting me know on a regular basis how crappy and hypcritical a human being i am for trying to make everyone feel white guilt while not inviting all of the poor to live in my house with me AND WILL YOU STOP MENTIONING YOU LIVED IN A TOWNSHIP ONCE, WE GET IT. #CosOfHowOftenITryFitThatOneIn
Yup, so when it comes to God stuff that could be my mantra at the moment. Since returning from the States which has been close to three years now i guess, that verse “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief” from the story of the man who brings his demon-possessed son to Jesus rings in my ears. i know you can, but i don’t know if you will… or something like that…
So faith is a bit of a struggle right now and God feels pretty distant but i can’t see it in myself to let go of any of the stuff i still totally completely believe in – it’s just still so real and it is what motivates me to try and live my life for the betterment of others and especially the marginalised and pushed to the side, which i don’t think comes naturally to us in this world. And i do know so many people who do that so much better than me and so that doesn’t help. The question of ‘Am i living my life in a way that is significant to God and to others?’ is one tha haunts me. Cos does that need to be big or can it be small?
These and many other questions, but i am trying to find moments and need to find more regular rhythms of Being still and knowing that He is God. There is definitely more work there to be done.
Am digging my St John’s family when i get to hang with them. Love that i am part of a diverse church that really is quite messy because i can’t imagine Jesus being part of anything that wasn’t.
PEOPLE WHO CARE
That’s about it cos i have to go and pack cos we are being gifted a weekend away. But lastly to say that what i am supremely grateful for in this funkafied time i find myself in is people who love me. From a wife who has really been doing her best to help me get unsick and drag myself out of the funk, to a really busy man crush friend in Mahlatse who for some reason enjoys hanging out with me but made time in his busy schedule to lunch with me yesterday even though i went to the wrong place and came and found me, to Dan who messaged me this morning [after months and months of no contact at all] to let me know he’s had me on his heart and been praying for me. And and and
In terms of people, my tank is completely full and i feel so much privileged in every possible way. It’s not fair and i’m okay with that. If i started mentioning people’s names – like the imagery Debbie Austwick just sent me from Just Tattoo of Us that i will never get out of my mind [although maybe that’s good cos Testacle Island was what you lot put in there before] – i would fill more than one blog post cos i just know so many incredible people. So THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. If you’re a people in or around my life [not speaking of you fake email address troll person who doesn’t even have the courage to face me as your real self!] then i deeply appreciate you and know that this too will pass.
It’s just a funk. It’s not the end of the world as we know it and i will feel fine.
Seriously, stop writing funk, you’re embarrassing you.
Okay, see you on the flipside.