I am whiteness

I will not condescend to your infuriating attempts to single me out as the single biggest cause of all your problems


I am whiteness

You had better believe that everything I have is due to hard work and persistence

After all, the silver spoon in my mouth that I was born with had ugly flecks of bronze all over its handle

Who in their right mind would be satisfied with that? I know I wasn’t.

So I complained loud enough and I got them to bring me a clean one.


I am whiteness

And we really need to stop talking about race and move on

Come on, it’s been 24 years already

Can’t we give ourselves a pat on the back and have a glass of champagne and celebrate already

Everybody grab a glass off the tray that is being delicately held out to you by the nearest person of colour

And let’s toast our rainbow future together

But not TOO loud, because we don’t talk that way when we’re in good company


What’s that? You’re still complaining?

Well no surprises there because “you people” “those people” they” them” are never satisfied

I tell you what, why don’t you write all your grievances down

Here, use this pink skin-coloured crayon and let me know what else you still want me to do

Honestly, you’d think giving you a nice english name and learning to say “hello” in your language would suffice

But no, let me entertain this, get it all out once and for all

I’ve got an extra-large pink skin-coloured band-aid that I’m sure I can stretch across the whole thing

So I don’t have to see it haemorrhaging black pain all over my nice new carpets that i just had washed.


Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of white tears

I will feel no fragility

For my Neighbourhood watch whatsapp group is with me

A detailed description of the location of every BM and CM within two hundred meters of my house comforts me


I am whiteness

But you might recognise me by any one of my other guises





Not all white peopling



Shaggying… [after all, everyone knows, it wasn’t me!]

Or my own personal favourite,

White Genocide

[you know, the belief that the 91% of people in this country have been oh so useless with their intentions of eliminating the other 9%]


I am whiteness

And i have made your land my home

I will not be dislodged

Not by happy thoughts or good intentions or even hard work

No hand holding or singing around the fireplace or having that black friend

Not even a well-choreographed multiple harmonied belted-out rendition of Kumbaya


No, i will need to be dismantled

Pulled down

Fought against


Actively worked against

In word and thought and deed

Every. Single. Day.

Maybe even for generations

Certainly for longer than this one

Continues to breathe its apartheid-flecked air

But fortunately (for me) none of this can happen

Will happen

While you continue to hold your head under the sand

And cough out in desperation that I don’t exist