Continuing with the next 5 in our series of #40TipsForMen:

40 Tips for Men: Tip #11

Be aware of a potential need to step towards.

My friend Janet really caught my attention this past week when she used the word ‘hyper-vigilant’ when she described how women in South Africa always need to be on the alert.

One of the ways we men can help make the world a safer place is by increasing our alertness.

A woman friend of mine stopped to chat to a guy who was living in the street outside her building quite late the other night – guy stopped his bakkie in the middle of the busy road to lean out and ask if she is okay. It really is that easy? And while there may be some small amount of awkwardness in these moments, give our present climate for women, that’s probably an okay direction to err.

This feels like an especially helpful tip for those of you who spend time in bars. If you see a woman who looks like she is in distress or a compromised position, just being able to presence yourself nearby and gently ask, “Is everything okay here?” or “Are you alright?” could literally save someone’s life.

Val is particularly great at this kind of thing. She reminded me of a story recently when she saw a few young women [probably closer to girls actually] walking on the street quite late at night and she stopped and offered them a lift home. When they hesitated, she said, “Either you get in the car or I will follow you at 5km an hour until you make it home.” Yes, that does seem somewhat problematic on some levels – and definitely not something that would work if had done it [so this is not the tip for guys] but just the idea of being aware and offering assistance if needed.

Sometimes in a club situation, it is giving a woman an out if needed. The opportunity to say, “I actually could use some help here” or “I am uncomfortable!”

There is probably a way to speak to a woman walking alone in what feels like a rough neighbourhood and let her know you are a little concerned and if she is okay with it will walk on the other side of the street at a distance just to keep an eye on her til she gets home. We can be creative with this stuff making sure that we don’t come across as the threat or do something aimed at helping that ends up feeling more threatening to her.

But when we are out, driving or walking on the streets, when we are in clubs and bars and even restaurants or parties, upping our awareness and vigilance levels and keeping an eye out to see if there are any spaces or moments where our presence or words or actions might be able to help a woman or women to feel that little bit more safe.

This is probably a good conversation for us to have with our women friends in terms of trying to figure out how and when it would be appropriate to act. i would love to hear from any women who have experienced this in a positive way and felt seen by a man in a potentially risky or scary situation so please feel free to tell some stories.

Men, let’s be aware of a need to step towards. And be alert for looks of panic or desperation or moments where it feels like a woman is seeking an ally or friend.

#40TipsForMen

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40 Tips for Men: Tip #12

Check in with the women in and around your life.

This past week, for those of us living in South Africa, was an intensely rough and exhausting week. Murders of women and children, xenophobic attacks, looting, gatherings about gender-based violence, water cannons, vigils, funerals… and more.

If you haven’t taken the opportunity to do this yet, make an effort this week to just check in with the women you are friends [and family] with and gently ask. ‘How are you doing with all the stuff that is going on?’

Realise that there might be an array of possible responses to this because everyone is experiencing life in South Africa a little differently right now. Some women might be up to speaking to you about it, some women might only have a one word answer for you and some may not want to talk about this at all.

So make sure you listen and really try to hear what is being said. An offer of “I am here for you if you would like to talk about it” puts the power for the conversation in the woman’s hand and doesn’t assume that she wants to talk or necessarily wants to talk to you. But it gives her an option and offers an ally.

Think especially of your single women friends on this one because the majority of those who are married hopefully have at least one person checking in with them [although don’t assume this] and also be careful of how you use your words and try keep it as open and invitational as possible so that it feels like there is no pressure for her to respond, but that there is opportunity to.

For those you are close to i don’t think it would be a bad thing to offer yourself as an emergency number if ever they find themselves in a dangerous or troubling situation. With a commitment to believe them and respond as quickly as you can.

Men, check in with the women in and around your life.

#40TipsForMen

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40 Tips for Men: Tip #13

Be mindful of touch.

i’m not sure how big of a deal this one is and it is probably one that some men need to hear more than others, so give it a read and if it applies to you, take it on and if not, don’t worry [p.s. This applies to all of them actually].

Some people are more touchy-feely than others and so some people gravitate towards hugs and kisses and European cheek kisses, while others shy away from them. This is just a helpful tip for everyone.

But it builds a little on tip 2 for the men which was ‘Be aware of how our physical presence might pose a threat’ and in the same way we need to be super aware if the touch we offer is appreciated or not. And the easiest way is to ask.

Which might seem a little weird or awkward, but not as weird or awkward as a woman having to endure a hug or greeting kiss from you when she is not wanting it.

A huge part of this is a kind of listening that happens through your eyes in terms of ‘reading the room’ or ‘reading the person’ and so if there is a moment that feels like a hug moment being very careful about looking at her body language and then adopting my go-to assistance mantra in life, which is, “If in doubt, don’t!” If you’re not sure in a situation whether a form of touch is appropriate or wanted or not, then rather don’t.

It might even be helpful in close friendships you have with women where you have always greeted with a hug or had hug moments to just pre-empt with a simple, ‘Do you mind if I give you a hug?’

This may seem like an awkward one to even speak about, and hopefully most of us get when these things are okay and who they are okay with, but in a space where i think men are increasingly becoming aware of just how fearful and anxious women may be around us, this is a helpful step to add in. Any opportunity we get to reduce fear or minimise stress feels like a win.

So maybe this week in particular, men, do a gentle self-awareness experiment and interrogate the times when you naturally touch women [might be a hug, or handshake, or even something like putting your hand on her hand or arm or back] and really make sure that your touch is wanted or appreciated.

And if in doubt, just don’t. It’s that simple.

Let’s be mindful of our touch and may this be a gift of really just seeing the women that we interact with and those we care about.

Nicole Schutte: I have a friend who just hates touch in general. We’ve been close friends for years but I still always ask before hugging her. Sometimes she says no, and that’s okay.

She’s very vocal about politely explaining to people she doesn’t like touch, especially people touching her back. What infuriates me, is the amount of times men take that as a challenge. They start purposefuly touching her back as if it’s a joke.

I can’t understand how someone can politely explain their boundaries, and men (I’ve never seen a woman do this to her, only men) will take it a challenge to break those boundaries.

Then when she gets mad it becomes, “Calm down, it was just a joke”

Every. Time.

Cristi Little: There is nothing wrong with not wanting touch from other people. She might be like me and have sensory issues (allodynia or touch sensitivity). If her touch sensitivity is linked to an undiagnosed condition like autism, then she could also be targeted by bullies a lot more often without even realising why they are drawn to her. I am more worried about the sociopaths who take pleasure in causing and watching your friend’s discomfort. I have accidentally elbowed someone who snuck up behind me to poke my ribs or touched my back. Its a natural consequence that seems to deter further sociopathic bullying.

Sandra Engel Johannes: This is huge. One does not want to hug every person you meet up with , let alone kiss.

Jacqui Schmidt: There are men I just will not hug. Ever. I am quite happy to send out that message with strong body language and make no apology about it. It’s fine if their feelings are hurt. I know who is safe and who is not. If in doubt….don’t hug. Ladies we can say no in many ways and it’s ok. It does not mean you are not loving.

Justine Beukes: I really like this one.
I’m thinking about my own life, and how many times “personal space invasion” has been very awkward and felt unsafe…and I haven’t felt like I could speak up about the awkwardness, we as woman always want to say “I’m sorry, I have to go” or “I’m sorry, I have a boyfriend” or “I’m sorry, I’m not interested” it’s always an apology that drips from our lips, when we are not the ones who should be apologizing 90% of the time. 

Also, I have made a habit of speaking it when touch is appreciated, I recently told a guy friend that I really feel special when he greets me with a kiss on the cheek, and another guy friend protectively put his arms around me walking in town at midnight and I felt so safe, so I told him.

Communication is key. Clear communication. From all of us.

Michelle Botha: This is huge for me. With my blindness I have to make a lot of physical contact with a lot of people a lot of the time because I almost always have to be guided when I’m in public. This doesn’t have to be a very touchy-feely experience though, just my hand on someone’s shoulder or elbow. Usually people are really good about following my instructions for how I want to be guided – with as little physical contact as possible as I’m quite touch resistant myself. But I’ve had some horrible experiences with men holding my hands, putting their arms around me or their hands on my waist as we are walking along. These are really difficult moments for me as it’s hard to speak up when you’re relying on someone to get to where you need to be. Not to mention that old faithful, “ I bet you want to feel my face to see how good looking I am” – nope, not so much.

#40TipsForMen

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40 Tips for Men: Tip #14

Lose the possessive nouns.

This is something i have been working hard on this past week and so hopefully in the process of training myself to do, but it feels like it is worth the effort.

The problematic version looks something like this: Men please speak to your women and ask them if there is anything you can do.

A more healthier version feels like: Men please speak to the women in and around your life and ask them if there is anything you can do. Or ‘the women in your community’

What’s the difference? In example one, the idea of possession or ownership is subtly hiding in full view. These women do not belong to you. They are not yours.

My, mine, yours, your… these can be problematic and this may not seem like the biggest deal and i imagine most of the time we are not trying to say that women belong to us, but words matter and we can speak attitudes and behaviours into life through our words. Or confirm attitudes and behaviours that others have.

i am trying – as i am writing this to figure out whether ‘my wife Valerie’ is the same thing? It feels like it may be different, because the ‘my’ in that case speaks more to the mutual relationship we have with each other, although she tends to just use ‘husbandman’ without the pronoun, but not sure it works as well with just ‘wife’ so maybe i need to come up with a new word [although i don’t say my tbV so maybe that’s it?]

Having bounced this off a few women friends, they suggested that ‘my wife’ is fine because you can’t say it any other way, but then a helpful idea from my friend Eleanor:

‘Could it be it important to say “Val & I” or “Val, my wife, & I” rather than “my wife & I” when talking about yourselves collectively? It gives Val her own identity rather than only relative to you.’

Some people might think that’s taking it a bit far, but i think it has something to do with honouring Valerie. In the early days, when i was doing a lot more public writing and speaking, people would often meet Val and greet her with, “Oh, your Brett’s wife?” which, while it is true, misses a whole lot in terms of who Val is as a person. [Fortunately, when Val was running The Justice Conference, it got switched around and for a while i was “Valerie’s husband!”]

This tip is quite a subtle one, but the present situation women face in our country [and around the world] is going to be transformed when we start dealing with both the really big things and the small and more subtle and more hidden habits that might be in our blind spots.

Historically, in many cultures and countries, wives were seen to different extents as being the possession of first their fathers and then their husbands and so this is actually such an important one. We are dismantling a messed up and broken system from the past [and if we’re honest, still very much in the present in more subtle ways].

Interrogate your speech this week. Listen out for possessive nouns and see if there might be easy alternatives for them and be more mindful of the way you speak about the women in and around your life, and your community.

Let’s stop any talk coming from our mouths that suggests that a woman, or women, are our possession in any way.

Sue Rutherford: And also “the wife”, “the gf”, etc. it dehumanizes us.

Thomas Hinson: It’s interesting, something I was taught in college by one of the women who were there was names. Introduce girlfriends, wives, sisters, friends by names. They have a name. I confess that I’m thinking through what it looks like to introduce my girlfriend and how I do that in a way that gives E her own identity and space with other people, as she has her own ministry and reach, not always entangled with my own. Open to thoughts and ideas and contributions

Cristi Little: I agree with Thomas on this. Names, people can remember the name of your wife/husband/child if you refer to them enough. I will refer to Eli as “My husband, Eli” when someone is first getting to know me, but then I’m going to drop the title and expect you to know who Eli is when I mention him. My colleagues feel like they know Eli even when they have never met him, because he features and stars in so many of the stories and epic tales I tell.

#40TipsForMen

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40 Tips for Men: Tip #15

Be careful with your ‘compliments’.

Turns out shouting “Hey sexy!” at a random stranger you see in the street is NOT helping create a life-giving moment for her. But let’s take it back a few more steps…

Val shared a story with me the other day of an encounter she had with a stranger she didn’t know [Teller at Pick ‘n Pay]:

For men.
A template.
Him: May I give you a compliment?
*waits for response*
Me: Sure.
Him: That’s a great hairstyle. It really suits you.
Me: Thanks!

[That’s how she shared it on her Instagram @valerieanderson]

The point being, this was an encounter that made her feel appreciated and celebrated. But it started with an ask for permission. Which is particularly significant because he did not know her. From someone she knew well, the request would not have been as necessary.

Because a lot of men will use a compliment as a pick-up line [there is an attached ask/requirement/expectation] even the most harmless of compliments may feel threatening to a woman. Which is why we once again go back to that trusty old mantra, ‘When in doubt, don’t!’

If there is a situation where your giving someone a compliment has a chance of making them feel awkward, harassed or threatened then surely it’s an easy one to just avoid. The cost of getting it wrong with the above consequences feels quite out of balance with if it goes well.

But that doesn’t mean we men can never say anything nice to a woman. It does mean we should check our motives when wanting to give a compliment to someone we don’t know. And if it is innocent and just trying to be nice, then really giving critical thought as to how we do it [When in doubt, don’t!]

It also means that when we do know someone we need to be a little more mindful of how what we say might be received. A friend shared thisafter a tip the other day:

“It is so very uncomfortable knowing that my body is appreciated as a sex object first, and everything else afterwards. I am first an object of desire, then a daughter, teacher, artist, friend etc.” [Claire]

Perhaps it would be helpful for us to get a little more creative with the ways we compliment the women in and around our lives in terms of speaking to ideas, wisdom, a particular presentation, great admin skills, helpful advice, presence or conversation. That way we also move away from the idea that ‘beautiful looks like this or that and sorry for those who don’t fit in to that particular picture’.

But back to the original line, shouting “Hey, sexy!” or even “Hey, beautiful!” at a random stranger who you don’t know, doesn’t feel like it is ever okay. In fact, most women, i”m guessing, will find it quite offensive.

Which brings us to nuance. Because i imagine different women will have different ideas on what they feel is okay for men to say to them when it comes to compliments. And so it’s not a one-size-fits-all but doing the work of figuring out [in relationship with women] what is okay and what is not. Being super vigilant of our words at the start, and then possibly relaxing as we build trust with someone and have an idea from them what is okay and what is not.

If you are ever genuinely giving someone a compliment, then your motivation is probably to make them feel good. So, if not giving them a compliment is the thing that will make them feel good in terms of an interaction with you, that should be an easy one for you to accept and go with.

A bonus related tip that should not have to be said, is that wolf-whistling or cat-calling a woman is NEVER okay. The animal names in both of those terms should give us a good clue that these are not meant for women. But beyond that, if you are out in public and someone whistles at a woman or shouts something at her, then it is your duty as a man to interrupt that, shut it down, and let the person no in no uncertain terms that That Is Not Okay! Jerry Seinfeld has a helpful clip on why this is such a ridiculous thing to expect will be successful in any way.

Men, be careful with all of the words you speak to women, but especially when you are wanting to give someone a compliment, check yourself and then tread gently and lovingly…

Jackie Hayter: The thing is that with women, almost all compliments are linked to our physical appearance: pretty/sexy/nice smile/beautiful hair/lovely dress. 

For men, compliments are mostly for what they do: good job/nice speech/you are really good at…

When i compliment someone, i try to make it about something they do, and i make it specific: you keep this so tidy/you greet so welcomingly/I appreciate how much thought you put into this.

#40TipsForMen

[For the next five tips in this series, click here]

[To return to the start of this series and catch-up on tips you may have missed, click here]