The man tips continue as we work our way slowly towards having a tool belt of resources to help us to become better men:

40 Tips for Men: Tip #21

Include yourself in the wide set that is toxic masculinity.

This one links very closely to a similar one when it comes to race so let me use that as an example.

It can be very easy for a white person to look at a sheet-and-hood-wearing Ku Klax Klan member or Hitler and think ‘Racist!’ People who actively hate black people are racist and I don’t actively hate black people so I can’t be racist. When we see racists as “the bad people” then typically we don’t see ourselves as bad people and so we can quite easily distance ourselves from being classified as racist and miss out on all the race work [prejudice, superiority, stereotyping, suspicion etc] that needs to be done in us.

In a similar way, as a man i may identify certain men as ‘those men’ and be able to distance myself from any work needing to be done in me. More than a few people have suggested to me that “No-one I know is a rapist or would treat a woman that way” which feels like going back to post-apartheid days when nobody knew anyone who had voted for the National Party. With the stats on rape being something like one-in-three in South Africa we have to assume that we know someone [and probably more than one] who has committed a sexual crime against a woman, or women.

So there are two things going on here:

[1] Sexual crimes tend to be secretive and hushed up and so we really don’t know who is and who is not doing them. But we have seen enough around the world to know that a lot of the time it is the people who we least expect.

[2] The main point i want to make in this tip is that even if you are not one of ‘those types of men’ there is very likely some toxicity present in you that requires work. You may not want to define yourself as trash but can you at least confess that there is trash present in your being. That you potentially say words and do actions that make women feel scared, vulnerable, ignored, interrupted or less than in some way. That you fail to speak up when another man says or does things in front of you [or in your whatsapp group] that demean or objectify women. That you may have blind spots which you don’t know about and which are worth doing some work towards finding out.

See Toxic Masculinity as a very wide set that on the one extreme side includes people who rape and kill women but also includes the cat-callers on the building site and the gym okes who like to “score some chicks” as well as the man who interrupts the woman in the business meeting or mansplains what she has just said or who adds the joke to the whatsapp group and even the one who stays quiet because he is scared of what the group will think of him if he speaks up. We all fit in there somewhere and it does not mean that we need to identify as trash but it does mean that we need to be on the look out for when aspects of trash are present in and around us.

Join me in including yourself in the wide set that is toxic masculinity, and commit to doing the work and inviting other men to hold you accountable [and even women] and helping you to see the things you might be missing.

#40TipsForMen

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40 Tips for Men: Tip #22

Cry. And let others cry too.

This is probably more about the second part than the first. We are all different and some of us [men and women] cry more easily than others.

But it’s when we say things like “Men don’t cry” or make fun at those who do, that we are being problematic. The old British notion of a ‘stiff upper lip’ which called for an absence of emotion was a really destructive thing.

Especially in the world today, there are too many things that deserve our tears. But one of those is definitely death. At some point in your life you are going to lose someone who is really close to you. That is really an okay and good time to cry. Trying to suppress it to create some kind of fake bravado or machismo doesn’t help anyone and most of all robs you of an opportunity to really connect with the loss on a deep emotional level.

This often begins at a young age when men in the form of dads or uncles or older brothers or whoever else tend to come down hard on boy children for crying. We need to change that. Sure, there are some times that are probably less helpful than others for crying – like when you lose a game, there is probably a better lesson to be taught there for example – but for the most part creating space where children can express themselves and their emotions and not be made fun of.

The power of a man crying can also be that in some way it ‘gives permission’ for other guys to cry too. So we need some men role models who will show younger guys that crying doesn’t do anything to take you away from being a real man, but rather shows that real men are affected by the world and happenings around them and can respond in a number of different ways, of which one is crying.

As a man, it is okay to cry. i would go as far as saying it is encouraged. Don’t pretend to be a rock when circumstances call for something more relatable or empathetic.

#40TipsForMen

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40 Tips for Men: Tip #23

Don’t dismiss women as being emotional.

This one falls into a bigger category that tends to judge women and men by different standards, especially in the work place.

So when a man expresses enthusiasm or dominance at work, we will describe him as ambitious [in a positive way] but when a woman does it she may be described as aggressive, difficult or abrasive. There are a lot more examples of this kind of double standard [you can read about some of them over here: https://hbr.org/2018/09/how-we-describe-male-and-female-job-applicants-differently] but it is something men need to be aware of and call out where we see it.

But specifically one thing many men do when it comes to a woman having a different point of view than them or a disagreement is to call them “emotional” as a way of dismissing their opinion or argument completely. This can also come in the form of assuming a woman is “emotional”” when they are upset about something instead of acknowledging that they may be upset about something with legitimate reason.

Maybe the easiest way for us to address this is when we are in an engagement with a woman and the idea pops into our mind that she is ‘just being emotional’ to pause and ask, “What is the point she is trying to make right now?” or even asking her to clarify what she means and giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Women are generally probably more in touch with their emotions than men [which is another sub-tip for us and linked to the previous one on being okay to cry!] and this is something we should be learning from and embracing rather than disparaging or using as a way to dismiss a woman’s opinion or presence in a space.

Let’s be slower to dismiss women by calling them ’emotional’ and let’s be more aware of making space for more equal contributions by women in places where men tend to dominate the mic.

Lynda Lee Wright: Don’t dismiss women as being emotional. Men get emotional too. Men get angry, men get frustrated, men get impatient, men get ticked off, men are affected by pride and ego, etc., etc. – all of that is emotional. But if a woman dares to have emotion, then she’s emotional. NO, she’s human. It isn’t gender-specific, every single human being is emotional. Men really, really, really don’t get this. They rarely think of anything they do as emotional and often label what women do as emotional.

#40TipsForMen

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40 Tips for Men: Tip #24

Ask for help.

This is such a huge one. Part of the ‘What makes a real man?’ old-school myth is the idea of never asking for help because that makes you weak. When it is absolutely the other way around – a weak man is one who cannot ask for help when he needs it.

While the majority of domestic violence in South Africa happens to women and children, there is also a fairly surprising percentage of it that is directed against men [in the UK and Scotland i read that a third of domestic violence cases are against men!]

Then you add addiction to the mix – so alcohol and drugs, as well as gambling and gaming. Debt is another huge one. A lot of men are being taken down by problems that are too big for them, but feeling like they for some reason have to go it alone.

As men, we need to surround ourselves with friends who have our best interests at heart [maybe that should be a separate tip, come to think of it], and then we need to share the things we are struggling with, with those people.

Counselling is another thing we need to take a lot more seriously. i think women tend to be more open to the idea of counselling where i have seen firsthand from my marriage perspective how effective it has been in increasing communication levels and helping us to hear and see each other when fights or arguments have been centre stage. So we need to be able to seek help either professionally or from those in and around our lives.

So this is both a change of perspective [it’s okay and actually a sign of strength to ask for help when you need it, all the way from random tasks to serious problems] and a change of behaviour [actually ask for help – if you can’t find it from the people in your life, then go to a professional!]

Lastly, we need to change the group speak on this one. Encourage your friends publicly [around the braai, over the dinner table, at the sports game, in the whatsapp group] to seek help and congratulate them publicly when they do. Don’t let the bully speak of “Weak men ask for help!” have any airtime without being shut down immediately in the spaces you inhabit.

We would do well to be proactive on this one. Check in with your guy friends. Let them know that if they ever need help with anything you are there for them or will at the very least help connect them to someone who can help them. Offer to pay for a friend to seek counselling or to go with him or find someone who is well recommended. Let’s do everything we can to break down the stigma and set a new narrative in motion.

Men, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Encourage those around you who do.

#40TipsForMen

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40 Tips for Men: Tip #25

Don’t interrupt women!

That’s really just it. All you need for this one.

Except that right now, there is a tiny voice in your head that immediately responded, “But I don’t interrupt woman and so this tip must be for someone else. You know, those interrupting-woman guys!” But no, this is probably for you. Although there is a great chance that the majority of the men who need to be reading this tip stopped when they saw ‘Tips for Woman #1’ because as with many things i write it is the choir who read it the most. But with this particular tip, i think all of us men need to take it a little more seriously than we might think necessary.

Did a small experiment this morning asking women to share the last time they were interrupted by a man and people have been jumping on and responding and not one response has been longer than 24 hours before. We don’t notice ourselves doing it.

So start with the question, “Do I interrupt women? Could this be me?” Even if you believe you don’t and you can’t and there is no way this one is about you, just start with a gap for the possibility that it might be a blind spot.

One way to help on this one is to commit to doing an experiment for the week ahead and to be intentional about paying attention in conversations involving men and women, particularly making sure you don’t interrupt but also looking to see if it is happening around you [often easier to notice in others].

A second way is to chat to the women in and around your life [your girlfriend or wife if you have, colleagues at work, people on teams with you or in meetings] and ask them if they remember being interrupted by you and how much of a problem they think it is for you.

Start by trying to be more aware, and if you catch yourself doing it, stop and apologise and step back and try and not do it again. For many of us this is a bad habit we need to unlearn.

Men, let us stop interrupting women. From what i hear it is completely exhausting and infuriating and belittling and we need to do better.

#40TipsForMen

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[For the next 5 Tips in the series, click here]

[To return to the start of the series and catch up on some man Tips you may have missed, click here]