The next five tips in our #40TipsForMen seeking to be better men are here for you:

40 Tips for Men: Tip #26

Don’t rush to respond with #NotAllMen!

i shared the tip series on the Twitterer and had this response:

I would appreciate the men in my life to stop saying #notallmen . It takes away from the very serious conversations we need to be having. I feel anything but safe when I hear #notallmen [@DeeMokopanele]

Let’s just take a moment to really hear what is being said by Dee here. Before we respond in any way. Maybe read her comment again. Let it sit. If you feel defensive in any way, just let go of that for now. This feels like an important moment where we can possibly learn. Especially if the statement causes a gut reaction.

This is a tag that was all over the place when the #MenAreTrash tag burst on to the scene. It is fine and good to interrogate #MenAreTrash but we are not going to do that fully here. What was lacking a lot at that time was men asking, “What brought women to the place where #MenAreTrash felt like the appropriate or necessary response?” If we had asked that question a lot more, we may have connected more with the pain and the fear and frustration and anger that was common to many of the people posting that.

What struck me from Dee’s comment was the phrase: I feel anything but safe when I hear #NotAllMen

Pause. Reflect. Why do you think she is saying that? And does it matter most that we focus on that part of it, or should the fact that she says “I feel anything but safe” feel worthy of our attention?

If you were attending the funeral of your dad and someone burst into the service at the back of the church and started yelling, “Not all dads are dead!” would that feel appropriate? There is a pain and loss attached to the life of this particular father who is dead, and this moment is about that. Dads who are not dead have no bearing right now. It is relevant that other dads are not dead and it is relevant that other dads are dead but aren’t being remembered in this moment, but right now is it possible to hold those things to the side and give this special attention.

So a friend of yours talks about being hurt by a man or men. Or she even goes as far as to write #MenAreTrash on her page. You might feel like you are not trash and you might feel like it is unfair that other men are grouped into that definition and maybe both of those are things worth talking about at some stage. But in this moment there is obviously an experience or likely experiences that have brought your friend to this conclusion, which have been brought on by a pain, anger, embarrassment, violence, dehumanisation so strong that it has caused her to arrive at that place… Should the very first point of call not be to listen and try and hear and understand and posture yourself in a humble way that says, “I am sorry for what has happened to you and I want to be here for you in the best way possible.”

As a number of women friends have said to me, “We know it’s not all men. That’s not what we are saying. But it is always a man. And every woman has a story or more likely countless stories that attest to that.”

Surely we can put our egos to the side and not have to defend or argue but just prepare to listen and try and empathise and maybe even get angry on behalf of some of the stories we will likely hear.

Let’s please stop rushing to #NotAllMen but let’s all of us own the fact that while we might not be able to be defined as trash, we very likely have a fleck or a handful or a bucketful or suitcase load of trash in us that needs to be dealt with? And let’s commit to standing in front of the mirror and continuing to work on that.

#40TipsForMen

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40 Tips for Men: Tip #27

Surround yourself with friends who have your best interests at heart.

This one feels like a bit of a no-brainer, but it’s amazing how often we actually surround ourselves with people who speak negativity in and around our lives. While i do think we need to make space for every type of person in our life, it is important that our inner circle [closest friends] are going to be men who value us and want the best for us, and for the world.

So if you are in a Whatsapp group of friends and they continuously share the kinds of pictures, jokes and videos that make you feel uncomfortable and like you should say something, maybe consider getting some better friends. If those are the ONLY type of friends you have. Same if you are in a group of friends that always seems to end up with you making bad life decisions [which may involve drink, drugs, porn, gaming, certain type of conversation].

i do think we have a dual role of influencing and being influenced by people. So we should not be looking to only find good influences for our life – we need to be those as well and in most cases it is probably a mutual influencing that takes place. But when it comes to the people who have the biggest say in your life – in terms of who you go to for advice or who you ask to hold you accountable or who you can call when things hit fans – you want to make sure that those are trustworthy, dependable, loving people.

Surround yourself with friends who have your best interests at heart.

#40TipsForMen

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40 Tips for Men: Tip #28

Admit to getting it wrong when you get it wrong.

This one is somewhat linked to Tip #19 [Say sorry. But also be sorry which means changing] and a little bit to Tip #24 [Ask for help] but is also very much its own thing. Men have a tendency to struggle to admit that we get it wrong.

Which is where all the jokes about men and directions come from – because so many of them did not start as jokes but the refusal of men to admit that they are lost or to stop and ask anyone for help.

i do think people in general struggle to admit they are wrong, but it does also seem to me to be a greater problem with men. But regardless of whether that is the case or not, it is definitely something we can work on.

When faced with a moment when someone says we got it wrong, excuses and defensiveness are often where we instinctively go to. i would imagine a lot of this links to the toxic view of masculinity that says a man must always be strong and powerful and able to fix anything and win everything and there must never be a sign of weakness. Because getting it wrong feels like a weakness.

But i would suggest that getting it wrong and refusing to own up to that fact is the real weakness. Making an excuse [rather than taking responsibility] is the weakness. Getting defensive [instead of listening and doing some self-reflection and perhaps making an apology] is the real weakness.

It’s okay to get it wrong. We all do sometime. We say hurtful words, we have attitudes which cause pain or fear in others, we do things which are messed up… and where we go from there, or the moment that it is brought to our attention will prove what kind of real strength we have in us. What maturity and what character.

This is not an area that is going to be transformed overnight. It might be something that you may need some counselling for. It may be something that you need to invite your partner or your friends or mentor into, while committing to listening deeply to them and responding well to what they say.

Whatever it takes, we need to start changing the culture. Imagine if the go to for men was being known as people who were quick to admit when they got it wrong, quick to apologise and to work towards making it right again.

Admit to getting it wrong when you get it wrong.

#40TipsForMen

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40 Tips for Men: Tips #29 and #30

Seek a mentor. Be a mentor.

This is not the easiest one to get right, because often the men you would like to mentor you are too busy. and the ones who are free you might not be so amped on in terms of mentoring.

But there is something really powerful and helpful and transformative in finding someone [or someones] who have walked some of the road you are walking and may be in some ways further down the line. From a faith perspective, from a business perspective, from a family perspective, from a money perspective… there are so many different ways this can play out, but the invitation for someone else to speak into your life is huge.

My wife Valerie read this saying some time ago that goes something like, “If you have never been mentored by a person of colour then you are not a missionary, you’re a colonist.” Which is pretty strong and has a faith context, but is possibly true for many men regardless. If we are only mentored by people who look and think like us, then there is unlikely to be much change.

Also mentoring can range from a super formal, “Will you mentor me?” to a very much more chilled, “Can I buy you coffee?” once a month, or once a week. Having a regular connection feels like a good one, because it becomes a helpful discipline and because it can contain a regular check in and just the opportunity for someone to ask you how you are really doing.

Find someone to mentor you. But until you do [and after that] begin by finding someone [or someones] to mentor. Who is someone younger than you who you can invite out for a drink or a walk or some kind of connection and then offer to meet with regularly. Different people have different capacity for this but each person should at the very least in some way be able to mentor one other person [i would suggest the sweet spot it two but some will do more, some less]. If you can’t do it live then maybe a Skype call or a Whatsapp or Inbox check-in – some space where you can touch base, see how the other person is doing, share about some of your challenges and encourage each other about the week ahead.

i would suggest that most mentoring relationships have something for both participants. That it is not just one way traffic but a bit of give and take. If someone has more experience in a particular area they are likely to take the lead there, but in other ways this mentoring thing should be reciprocal.

Too many people, especially in leadership positions, who go it alone end up falling or compromising or being corrupted or burning out. The presence of one or more mentors can really add life, direction, accountability, challenge and encouragement to be a better man.

Find a mentor. Be a mentor.

#40TipsForMen

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[For the next 5 Tips in the series, click here]

[To return to the start of this series and catch up on any tips you may have missed, click here]