Here we go with the next five tips in our #40TipsForMen series in which we look at some really important things:

40 Tips for Men: Tip #31

Stop mansplaining.

For those of you who don’t know what that means one definition is: to explain something to a woman in a condescending or patronising way that assumes she has no knowledge about the topic. But it can also occur when a woman has said something [like in a board meeting for example] and meets with little response and then a man explains it saying pretty much the same thing and then suddenly everyone is on board and he gets all the praise.

It shows a lack of respect, chiefly.

But it can also show a lack of listening. Especially when you explain something that was just explained.

So this begins as a mirror thing. Watch yourself, listen to yourself, catch yourself in conversations and stop it.

But then it moves on to an other people thing. This is an area where you can help other men to get it. [Well, hopefully all these tips are – if you think you have one thing down, start doing the work with your friends and colleagues!] When you are in a conversation and a man starts saying exactly the same thing a woman has said, draw attention to it. “Exactly what Jeanette was saying, so you agree?” If you are leading the space then feel free to confront it and invite listening and collaboration.

It gets a little harder when someone is talking to a woman in a patronising or condescending way [and it will be helpful to hear some women responding to this please] because my gut feel is to jump in and shut it down and call out the person, or at the very least to pull them aside and chat to them afterwards [although i think that is less helpful because then the audience has missed out on a much needed learning opportunity]. But, and maybe it depends on the woman, that may be viewed as being a male saviour in a conversation a woman feels more than adequate to shut it down or defend herself. When in doubt, ask. Maybe chat to the woman after the meeting and let her know you saw it and were not sure how to respond and what would she like you to do next time? That, at the very least, lets her known you have seen her and shows you are trying to figure out what response she is more happy with.

But i would love to hear some responses from women on this one. How would you like us to react in a conversation or a board meeting when someone else starts to mansplain?

Mansplaining? Just don’t.

But also go and read this super helpful story on how to do the thing.

#40TipsForMen

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Men, please breathe and listen up, you might be tempted to leave this one and not read it all the way through. Read it all the way through. This is important.

40 Tips for Men: Tip #32

‘Understand the science of women’s bodies and stop being grossed out by menstruation.’ [c/o Megan Furniss]

It’s amazing with all the ‘macho men’ nonsense that is spoken up and promoted and lived out, how a tiny little word like ‘period’ can send us all running for the hills. But i agree with Megan that it has been something that has caused embarrassment, shame, awkwardness and division and it really needs to stop. Also the jokes – anytime we make jokes about something that someone can’t change it just feels incredibly lazy and ruthless. But when it is a part of their design and make-up even more so.

Let me start with my story on this – i remember age 12 or so at a caravan park in Durban somewhere [family vacation] one of the young adults i looked up to sitting with me for about an hour and trying to explain this ‘weird blood thing women have’. i don’t know if he gave me a bad explanation or if i was just completely ignorant at the time but i ended up being more confused than ever.

i imagine menstruation is something that is handled in school at the moment but it never was when i was at school. And to be absolutely one hundred percent honest, it was in a LifeMatters Foundation schools workshop earlier this year [i am 45!] when Kayla-Tess Pattenden was explaining menstruation to the grade 7 girls simply and directly and with pictures of all the parts on the screen that i finally got it. This is not rocket science and when explained well it is so simple and although i kind of had some idea of what it was it was only this year [ten years into marriage – wow!] that i understood the process. Until you know you don’t know i guess. So thankx KT.

And because if it can happen to one it can happen to more, let’s go with a quick explanation i found online, similar to the simple one that helped me get it:

‘A period is the 2 to 7 days that a girl or woman has her menstrual flow, which is when blood and tissue leave her body through her vagina.

Why does this happen? Each month, blood and tissue build up in the uterus to prepare for a fertilized egg in case a woman becomes pregnant. (The uterus is the place inside a woman’s body where a baby will grow.) If the egg isn’t fertilized, that lining leaves the body through the vagina and the girl or woman has her period.[Kidshealth.org]’

KT explains it as the egg moving along the highway to get to the resting place and if sperm does not arrive to fertilise it and start the whole process of pregnancy, then it leaves the body through the vagina.

Instead of making periods the butt of our jokes, we can try to understand it as a time that is often uncomfortable and emotional and try to be more sensitive to that.

Understand the science of women’s bodies and stop being grossed out by menstruation.

Crystal Warren: Can men also try not to be grossed out by the products women use to deal with menstruation. If you can cope with the sight or mention of toilet paper then you can cope with sanitary towels/pads/tampons etc. I was in a shop once and there was a young man packing the bags while I unloaded the trolley. He was so freaked out at the thought of touching the packet of pads that he called a woman from the next till to do it for him.

#40TipsForMen

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40 Tips for Men: Tip #33

Be Kind.

A comment from my friend, Sue Gray:

I was so taken aback by my three guy friends who were kind to me last weekend. I felt seen, known and they “served” me and were very attentive to my needs. I was so shocked by that as I realised I hadn’t been on the receiving end of a man’s kindness in a very long time. Kindness goes a long way!

When you ask people to word associate the first three words that come to mind when they hear the word ‘man’ i’m sure you would have to canvass a million people before you come across the word ‘kind’. It is not something that jumps to mind when it comes to men.

This probably falls somewhere under the heading of the typical male image – strong, protective, do the things, make the money, bench press the tank blah blah blah

And so because it is not something we naturally assume, it is a good one for us to work on. To be intentional about. In both our words and our actions.

Sue described being kind as serving and that is another thing that may not come instantly to mind. Especially because a lot of the time the traditional role of women has been to serve men [food, laundry, cleaning etc] and so it is high time we stepped into that sort of thing more.

Be kind. Serve those around you. Redefine the associated image of a man.

#40TipsForMen

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40 Tips for Men: Tip #34

Be wary of raising your voice to a woman.

Sho, this is a hard one for me to write, because i know that it is something i have done to Val, in a way that has caused fear. And while not hitting a woman [i really hope that one is self explanatory and doesn’t need a tip!] is hopefully something she knows is consistent with my character, she has spoken about the fear caused by my raised voice in a vein that seemed quite similar.

This tip was suggested by Glenda Tutt so let me use her words:

“Also understand that when you raise your voice or shout we get scared. It has been proven with whole brain theory that it triggers the same response as fight, flight or freeze.”

Sho, this is a big one for us, men. When we raise our voice towards a woman, we need to understand that this is an act of violence.

What happens when the woman is raising her voice to you? As tends to be the case when Val and i get to that space of disagreement. She raises, i raise, she raises, i raise… at some point in there the voice-raising becomes a thing of me trying to assert myself and dominance in the situation, which is not okay.

A saying that i absolutely love is one that has seemingly been attributed to a number of different people, but i like the Rumi version below, of which the simplified versions is “Raise your argument, not your voice!”

Can i confess that i am not there? In case that wasn’t clear. Having the knowledge that it is not okay and seeing it as a place of violence is hopefully helpful in ensuring that i never get there again. And if you are in a space where you “Can’t control it” then seriously consider getting help. In fact, just get help. Like Val and i did. Ours was not specifically for that, but every time there was a moment that got out of hand we ended up with our counsellor. Which was a good thing. And a sign of strength, not weakness, because she helped us minimise the chances of getting to that place again.

So men, please hear this strong and loud: Be wary of raising your voice to a woman.

#40TipsForMen

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40 Tips for Men: Tip #35

Champion equality for women in the spaces you are in.

This tip was inspired by comments from Lara Pietersen:

‘Acknowledge women’s voices in the boardroom. Don’t mansplain or take credit. Be conscious of biases in promotions or opportunities for female subordinates…

On the opportunities – women are often less likely to put up their hand or volunteer for opportunities. Be mindful of this. It doesn’t mean they can’t or don’t want to.’

This connects with and adds to Tip #6 which was Hold your voice and Tip #10 Be an ally as well as #16 Be slow to the mic and #31 Don’t mansplain. And very much has to do with paying attention to what is going on around you.

When you are in a meeting where women are present, be aware what attention is given to them, how much time and weight their voice gets, and what the posture is of the men in the room to them. Starting with yourself.

When you are involved in the management and structures then be aware of promotions and salaries and opportunities and how they are being shared out between men and women. If you notice inequality of salary, speak up about it. #NotOnOurWatch

When an opportunity comes along [a job role, a speaker, a panel member, a consultant] be intentional about suggesting women who might be a good fit. This corresponds directly with the “But what can I do?” for white people as you need to have the same kind of alertness for people of colour in these spaces.

A lot of this has to do with being more aware in your spaces and this is something you can be intentional about practicing and looking out for.

Champion equality for women in the spaces you are in.

#40TipsForMen

[For the next 5 tips, click here]

[To return to the start of this series, click here]

[To return to the start of the series and catch up on any tips you may have missed, click here]