The other day i asked a simple question in a Race Engagement group i belong to on Facebook, believing it was a safe place.

i actually had typed out my question as a status and then decided last second to move it to the group cos it would probably be more appropriate there.

The first person who responded made me feel like an idiot for asking the question and challenged my sincerity in asking it. So i called him on it, gently but firmly.

Which unleashed a torrent of abuse from another person in the group, which sounded something like this:

WTF Brett! T said the same thing and you, white male, chose to condescend the fuck out of him. WTF

i gave a bit of an explanation about why his response had been unhelpful for someone trying to learn and from the same person:

Where was the condescension from him? I’m glad all the white people on this thread think that there was no problem. Fuck white people. Ugh.

A little bit further down the thread this person felt another dig was necessary:

“Know it alls and woke entitlement” – this guy is a joke

And then later she copied a friend into the thread just so her friend could see how fragile my whiteness was… or something like that.

BLESSED ARE THE PEACEMAKERS

Oh Boo Hoo, woe is me!

Nope, that is NOT what this post is about.

i was a little bummed, but my skin is far thicker than that. But what this story represents for me is the often arrogant/dismissive/unfriendly/ungracious attitude that people in the know often give to people just starting to come on board or trying to learn, when it comes to race and justice engagements.

For me personally, there are so many people of colour that i am SO grateful for as well as white people who have walked this road way longer than i have – who have all treated me with so much grace and patience and understanding and gone above and beyond when it comes to helping me understand a little more of this journey we’re on. i think if the only responses i had gotten were like the one in this group, then it would have been much more tempting to flee for the hills or something.

But the problem is that for some people, this is the only kind of response they do get.

GYHOOYA IS FOR WOKE PEOPLE TOO

At the same time, i do understand the frustration to some extent of people who have been walking this road for twenty plus years and are hearing the same painful responses or stupid questions or defensive stances and who do lose their cool and go all hardcore on people. i do also [clearly] think there is a time to take the kiddie gloves off. And i think some people who have missed it again and again and again and especially when it doesn’t seem like they are really wanting to learn but rather just have their say or get their argument across, then i think there is a space for harder, more unfriendly push back.

So i think there is a bit of a Both/And scenario playing out here and i think different people have different roles in this whole ongoing conversation. Some people need to loudly shout down the racists; some people need to fiercely engage with people who hold strongly to racist or disturbing ideas; others need to gently coerce people towards the starting line; some people need to cheer people on… and more.

But the main point i think i am wanting to make with this is that when people are genuinely interested in learning and changing and speaking and thinking differently [which is certainly not the case all the time in these race conversations] we need to create spaces where that can happen without them being mocked/threatened/belittled/accused and so on.

Looking back, and after a conversation with a friend, i probably made a mistake in choosing which group to post my question to. At the same time though, there were a number of people [that far outnumbered the negative responses] who were gracious and kind and honest and gave me the answer i was looking for. Who decided to be patient [that perhaps they didn’t need to be] and gracious and above all, kind, in their dealing with me. And for them i am truly grateful. And they were of all colours and all ages and all genders.

PICK YOUR BATTLES WELL

When it comes to race conversations, i know some people who think i am way too aggressive and fighty.

I also know some people who think i am way too soft and gentle.

So it’s certainly not about trying to find a stance that keeps everyone happy, cos that will never happen. But more it’s about me reading each situation and each person [which i generally think i’m pretty good at, although i will get it wrong from time to time because ‘internet tone’] and then choosing to respond in what i think is the appropriate way.

i know my main target audience is white people. Trying to help us understand concepts like privilege, allyship, hashtag campaigns, language necessity, relationship-building, restitution and a number of other things that i am still very much learning.

i’ve also found the very best way to further this conversation is to do it in community. Have people holding you accountable. Have people who are safe to throw questions at and share opinions with. Be part of groups where listening is far more key than responding, where you are going to learn. Do a lot of reading [especially of those who do not look like or sound like you]. Be present. Seize opportunities.

Onward and inward…

Moss milk quote