Breaking through the defences

Can i be both challenging and kind?

The Social Medias can be a difficult space. Especially if you are someone trying to make the world a better place.

As someone who has made a #NotOnOurWatch commitment to life – to interrupt racism and sexism and other forms of injustice when they appear in front of me – it can quickly and easily get a little fighty – especially when a challenge to someone’s behaviour is received as an attack on their character. But also when your attempts at challenge come across as more belligerent than necessary.

How do i disagree with people while remaining Kind?

Start with a spoon of honey

i find this such an interesting saying, but mostly cos i’m not the biggest fan of honey – i would probably sooner go for vinegar, but then i’m not a fly.

The principle is sound though. When dealing with a statement or post or attitude that you disagree with online there are definitely different ways of approaching it that are likely to have more positive results than others.

*Should throw in a disclaimer here to say that just cos i know this does not mean i get it right a lot of the time, but there is generally a lot going on and so it’s not always so easy to be in the best place all the time

[1] A Question: i think this is probably one of the most helpful ways of inviting a thoughtful, questioning response. Often it can be about the statement that was made itself [When you wrote ” ” did you mean ”  “?] as a means of clarifying. The internet is awful at transmitting tone and so we often read someone else’s statement with a tone we add to it, which at times can completely change meaning [this is one of those things you really have to see and get on the wrong side of, to believe]. Or else perhaps about the intent of the person – “what did you mean by that?”

[2] An Observation: i have learnt a lot from my friend Jacqui Tooke in this regard. She is really good with posing a question, but at times will also share how she understood what was just said or posted and again this can be a clarifying thing to invite the poster into sharing if that was what they meant of not. Jacqui often inserts her own story that is related to the topic – “I have found that this kind of thing often makes me angry because…” as a means of trying to empathise with the person posting. If someone honestly believes that you are making the effort to see things from their perspective or to understand where they are coming from, they might be a lot more open to listening to where you see things differently from them.

[3] A Statement: When you state something more boldly,you are stepping into territory which is more likely to be met with defensiveness. “I disagree with what you wrote there.” That is most likely to raise someone’s back because it comes across as a bold statement of, “You are wrong!” and i’m not sure any of us likes to be told that we are wrong. But the statement can work with a more open-minded person if it is directed at what they have said or shared in a way that separates it from who they are. So “I disagree with what you wrote there.” might be a little easier to stomach than “I disagree with you!” even though it might seem like the same thing.

Both are harder to hear than the question or the observation, but if shared without emotion and with backed up reasoning that really does tackle the post rather than feeling aimed at the poster, there is a way that this can still work.

[4] An Insult: This is where you have lost it. When you disagree with something someone has posted and yet you come across as directly attacking the person – “You are an idiot” “How can you think like that?” “How can you say such a thing?” and stronger, then you find that the internet does a lot better at transmitting your tone. When something is made obviously personal, then it becomes a lot harder on the receiving end to respond well and not take it personally. i have both done this and both received this. It generally doesn’t end well.

[5] An insinuation/assumption/manipulation: This is a different category worth noting, because it can take place in any of the above categories, although especially the last one, and it often tends to appear more subtle, but not necessarily less hard to hear. An insinuation or assumption will often be nestled in some form of name-calling or labeling. i am not a fan of labels at the best of times but when you get labeled into a group as if you are just like everyone else in it, that generally causes friction and is quite dehumanising or deindividualising if that is a thing.

My absolute worst when it comes to this, which i have had a lot of, is what i would call manipulation and it’s pretty much an emotional blackmail type of action. “Sho, Brett, I expected more than this of you.” or “Wow, you have such a powerful presence online and so this is very disappointing/surprising.” This is often wrapped in something that appears to be a compliment which gives you a  bit of a lift before you get dropped with a “Wow, you’ve really screwed up royally this time”. And i find it completely disingenuous. The people who i absolutely know love me [who will completely challenge me and tell me i’ve got it wrong or messed up or question things i write] never use this as a tactic. It tends to come across as patronising or condescending and can make you feel really small really quickly.

Am i someone who creates spaces where people can engage positively in things they strongly disagree with?

The Secret Place to Kind

There is one way that was not mentioned above that has shown the best results in terms of online disagreements and that is the inbox or the coffee shop. 

Sometimes when someone makes a statement or shares an article or opinion online there is a need to address it online because of the audience having witnessed it and needing some form of further information.

But jumping into the person’s inbox and instigating a calm conversation around the topic [using the same above points] or else inviting them to a coffee if they live close enough, have both proven to be really effective ways of dealing with disagreement and often growing relationship as well. A kind approach often invites a more open and engaging response. 

Sometimes the nature of the post and connection to the audience means [in my opinion] that you don’t have the luxury of time to be able to do any of these two things and so it’s not always an option, but where it is, it always tends to prove better than commenting directly on the post first.

At times, the inbox conversation will result in an online explanation/retraction/further engagement that will help bring closure or clarity or perspective to those viewing the post online. It is a way to be kind in the background.

My Kind of Rollercoaster

When it comes to me, some things are a lot harder to factor in. It’s not like there is one controversial status or conversation going on at a time. This is not an eighties martial arts movie where each attacker waits politely for the last one to be beaten up before joining the fight.

So i have three conversations happening around race and a blog post that was shared about respecting women that is getting airplay and someone has an issue with a cartoon i posted and there is sports commentary happening and someone just tagged me in a post where someone just made quite a racist remark and is not backing down and real life or work in another tab or tabs is happening and it just started to rain and the laundry us outside and and and… 

Other times it happens where i have dealt with 99 irritating or belligerent comments in a row and then someone steps on to a different post and posts the 100th comment which is only marginally insulting and then gets 99 comments worth of frustration piled on to them.

None of these are excuses. Simply a bit of context. When i dump on the 100th person cos of the 99 comments then that is absolutely my fault and weakness and hopefully i will own it quickly and apologise and make peace [which happens more than you think]. But sometimes the nature of my response is an out-of-proportion build up from a range of conversations.

Most of you are involved in one conversation or thread with me at a time and so that may be all you see. It is the nature of the way i have personally chosen to interact with social media and particularly Facebook [most of the Twitterer drama i have been involved in has to do with disparaging remarks i make about pineapple on pizza to be honest!] in terms of seeing it as a space to challenge and teach and invite and dream and inspire and share and engage.

What helps me the most and keeps me on track more often than not are a group of incredible people who love me and who hold me accountable and who are able to challenge me [lightly and harshly] without me ever doubting how much they care about me. Beyond that i do try to be accountable to everyone online, but i know that is not always the healthiest thing. So certain voices hold much more sway and authority than others. But these are so crucial to both my sanity and integrity. And they are certainly not echo chamber voices [people saying “Yes!” to everything you post are not helpful at all, because you never know.

My loving and authentic community of friends help me to be more kind.

Keep returning to the mirror

Ouch! How is that for a self-assessing quote?

i think it’s important to state what i hope will be obvious to most, that we are all on a journey here. No-one has arrived when it comes to race or gender or spirituality or justice or education and we all have things to learn. i am no different.

Which is why when i write about race or women or any of those things i try to always write from a space of learning, things i have picked up on the way, things i am currently being challenged on, places where i have gotten it wrong.

As i journey, so i hope you will journey with me. i have a lot to learn from you, and i hope that you might have something to learn from me.

i have definitely not arrived. i am definitely not the internet police or justice police or whatever other type of label i have had passed in my direction. But at the same time, i am someone who has made a commitment to do my best to live a #NotOnOurWatch lifestyle which refuses to let racism and sexism and many other acts of Injustice pass without being interrupted or challenged. i may not always know the best way to deal with them. But when i recognise them [or think i do] i can at the very least let you know that, “That is not okay!” And then hopefully in conversation and pleasant and challenging engagement we can figure it out together from there.

Let’s disagree well, people. And let’s keep coming back to Kind!