When my friend Deborah’s post on ‘What my Single Friends would like their Married Friends to know’ hit 1000 views, i figured that people were interested in what she had to say and so it would be worth seeing if she was up to writing a piece for the Taboo Topic on Singleness and turns out, she was…
Stages of Singleness
When I was 18 years old, I attended my very first Singles Camp. Contrary to the name, the purpose of the camp was not to ‘hook up’ single people. Rather, it was designed to help single people deal with issues that are peculiar to unmarried persons. There were a range of sessions, some designed to help persons prepare for marriage, others geared towards helping persons deal with some of the challenges of singleness like loneliness. I attended this camp for years, until I realised that some of the ‘little’ children whom I had counselled at our church camp were now attending Singles Camp; I had officially become an Older Single person!
I recognise that being single in my 30s is a whole different dynamic than being single in my 20s. If I am still single in my 40s, I imagine that will again be a totally unique experience. I would like to share the stages of singleness that I went through. Maybe you can identify with one of these stages, or maybe it will give you some insight about how the single persons in your circles may be feeling.
Studious Stage
From a young age we heard the mantra “Boys and books don’t mix”. I had seen first hand the devastation of my classmates who suffered their first heart-break, so I knew that I didn’t want to experience this. As a result, I engulfed myself fully in my studies, and the results paid off – graduating with First Class Honors as Valedictorian of my faculty at university. I was single by choice.
Social Stage
Thanks to my success in the previous stage, I was able to get a decent job that enabled me to rent an apartment and live comfortably. I now had the time (and means) to lime! I thoroughly enjoyed this phase of singleness; being able to engage in activities without having the responsibilities of a husband or children to restrict me; having the freedom to jump on a plane and travel to wherever in the world I wanted to go (mostly visiting my sisters and friends in the States and England). I was open to relationships at this stage, but (as I found out later) some of my male friends were intimidated by my responses to them in the Studious Stage, so they never made a move. I was single by consequence.
Sulky Stage
I didn’t have a problem when my friends who were my age or older got married – I was genuinely happy for them and fully supported in whatever way I could, helping with decorations, wedding planning, the works. When it started to get difficult was when the younger ones started getting married. That is when I started to question if anything was wrong with me. If I was as nice as people said I was, why did no one want to spend the rest of their life with me? There were guys who approached, but I didn’t feel the connection although some of them were nice. And the ones I did like were not available. I was single by circumstance.
Sold out Stage
It took heartbreak at the end of a relationship for me to recognise that ultimately, what really matters is my relationship with God. For me, being at the center of His will for my life is of more value than my marital status. My priority right now is serving God and bringing pleasure to Him with my life. If I get married along the way, great! But that is not my focus. Of course there are times when I wish I had that ‘special someone’ in my life, but in the meantime, God has surrounded me with amazing family and friends who provide the social, emotional and physical support in my time of need. I am single and content.
[…] to read the story of my Island style friend Deborah Dowlath […]
Thank you Debbie for sharing! This blog post is a blessing.
It was my pleasure – glad it encouraged you 🙂
Thanks. For shearing. Deb …am so many miles away I saw something special in you keep strong and God will give you the desire of your heart…
Thanks for dropping by, Stephen!
”MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD: Read this some where just wanted to share
Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…
1) Never stop courting.
Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.
2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART.
Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.
3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again.
You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.
4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her.
Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.
5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER…
Your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.
6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions:
It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.
7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.
8) Allow your woman to JUST BE.
When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.
9) BE SILLY…
Don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.
10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY…
Learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.
11) BE PRESENT.
Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.
12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY…
To carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.
13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…
And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.
14) GIVE HER SPACE…
The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing… (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)
15) BE VULNERABLE…
You don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.
16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT.
If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.
17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER…
The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.
18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY.
Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.
19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.
20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE.
In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.
In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.
Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.
These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.
But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.
Thanks Stephen, some really good stuff there and important for us to revisit from time to time. And to move away from the notion that Hollywood and Disney have painted of the perfect relationship and pairing and realise that sometimes it is just a lot of work. And worth it completely.